Letter #8: Entry #11 — My Healing Process (Part Two)
Entry #11
My Healing Process (Part Two)
She was engaged to be married within seven months of her new relationship. She entered this new relationship just two months after we broke up. Truthfully speaking, although I was in a better position emotionally, mainly because I fuelled my mind with distractions, I was not completely healed. The post breakup was tough, and I was still caught between choosing the defence of apathy that would allow me to numb any sign of pain; or, face the sting of vulnerability, from where lessons are taught.
With such an internal war brewing, I saw both choices at the time as being counterproductive in the process of understanding and experiencing love. For me, the apathy would make it hard to fully immerse myself in another potential love story; and vulnerability, which relies heavily on trust – something that I saw compromised before – became a novelty too difficult for me to fathom. We all know that without trust, it is hard to truly immerse oneself in love.
In my broken state, they both negatively became somewhat one in the same for me – this apathy and vulnerability. They both dictated the way I responded or planned to respond to any beckoning call of love. They reminded me that love will certainly crush you on either side of the spectrum, whether one chooses indifference of tender heartedness.
In a previous letter, I would have made mention to the value of choices. In this case, I was presented with an opportunity to identify my emotional shortcomings, therefore causing me to find adequate short term hacks as well as long term methods for healing. I had high hopes that eventually, the healing that I received would lead to the comfort of a resolve and ultimately, the aptitude to move forward. One of the methods I used to achieve this was writing. It allowed me to spill my soul through sentences in a way that required no constitution. I wrote poems, thoughts, quotes, even single words; all in an effort to cry the tears that I never did physically via the pen. Another healing method that I explored was positive reinforcement. I kept affirming myself and my worth, especially during the moments when I felt most lost and rejected. These are the moments where we usually live in our heads, spending time questioning the events of time spent and wasted, while becoming heavily burdened by anxiety and regret. Nothing however, builds you back up like telling yourself that you’re the man (or woman).
I also added to my list of methods a “good life philosophy.” I often told myself, that all I wanted from that moment onward were good memories; and that I shall settle for nothing less of the sort. As a result, I found myself subconsciously trying to achieve this. It spilled over into my attitude towards drastic life challenges. I became slightly nonchalant to trials in an effort to not glorify their presence. This method also spilled over into my speech, my charm and my interaction with others; wanting only to be at peace with whomsoever I interacted with. I desired to become a source of positive energy; and so, this philosophy led me to appreciate even more, the people in my life that God had blessed my mortal journey with.
Last on my list was spirituality. Spirituality allowed me to channel all of my energy into a purpose outside of my imagination – this grand scheme of an event in which I am just a temporary player. It was because of this, that I was able to see purpose not just as a benefit to self, but also as a benefit to society at large. My view on purpose initiated within me a desire to both create a pathway and leave behind a legacy for those that may be restlessly in search of hope.
Robert Brault puts it like this. He said: “life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got.” This, was my first practical step into initiating my own closure with regards to my breakup and eventually my holistic healing. When I realized and understood that the woman whom I once believed to be my life partner actually owed me nothing, I began paying myself. I paid myself with compliments, affirmation and praises. I began investing in myself, in my dreams and aspirations, and in my potential. I began seeing myself the way others saw me; the way God saw me. The harsh reality is that this world owes us nothing; and the sooner one understands and accepts this truth, the faster one can initiate their own healing process.
When I buried my mother at age eighteen, I accepted the fact that that situation - her passing - was a dead one. Even though I wished with all my might that I could have added life to her or change the situation, the fact remained that she was not going to return. Although it was a painful process; one where I did not have all the answers that I wished for at the time, I understood that death will eventually come to everyone. This is the same approach that we should adopt for the situations that hinder our peace of mind. Even without the answers, find the courage to call them dead. Bury them. Accept their state. Learn to create your own closure. Everything as we know it, both good and bad has an ending just as they had a beginning. Let us learn to release ourselves.
