Letter #4: Note to Self
Note to self,
You cannot control his lust.
It’s tough, I know but that’s where trust comes in. And oh boy is “trust” a big word and not always the easiest task. But when you both decided to be exclusive, you agreed to trust him to uphold his end of that agreement. This means that even when someone is seemingly or factually better than you are, you are trusting him to resist the temptation to pursue them in any form or fashion.
The thing is, people often say, “if he wants to cheat, he will cheat,” permit me to be over technical and say this; he may sometimes or at some point want to cheat this does not mean he will. If you have chosen this man and see him a trustworthy, you gonna have to believe that even if he deeply wants to break his commitment to you in a moment of temptation, he is going to use that testicular fortitude to walk away.
You cyah control his lust gyal, yuh can’t.
That’s between him and his God and hopefully you have chosen someone who understands that harbouring lustful feelings for others is the beginning of the end and would accordingly nip it in the bud. You all can get married and you can wear all the lingerie and have sex in a crab back using only one hand while balancing on a tricycle (lol) and someone else will still be more alluring. You know, the appeal of the unknown, the thrill of the chase.
Listen, people get unhappy and bored in relationships and while both parties should put the effort to be spicy for the other, the first thing to remember is that we are individuals who have to take stock of ourselves.
It is impossible to control him.
I do not know when the idea became engrained in you but you feel this pressure to be everything for him. You want to be his every desire sexually, physically, intellectually and the list goes on and on. Sometimes you are so busy pouring out love and trying to live up to this “everything” expectation, the genesis of which is unknown, that you forget to love yourself. You forget that you are a big deal. Did you hear me? You are a big blessed deal. #NeverForget. You too may very well see, be approached by and even attracted to men who are seemingly or factually better than him. And then you will have to exercise the choice to choose him over and over every day.
You have been so preoccupied with seeing him as God’s wonderful gift, and he is; but, you have often forgotten that even your gift wrapping paper oozes of fire and queeness. Is that a word? Doesn’t matter, you are such a big deal you can make up words and ish.
You cannot allow your “worship” and adoration of him coupled with that weight you feel on your shoulders to be more than satisfactory to him, to cause you to neglect, forget, undermine and downplay your absolute greatness. Sweetie pie, he is lucky and blessed that your pupils even glanced in his direction, let’s be real.
It’s so hard to truly love yourself sometimes and it you feel it. It’s so hard to remember that you have a lot to offer that you see so many things as threats. You get uncomfortable when some sexy or attractive (to him) walks past and you try to see and ascertain if and how long he watches then all of a sudden you are questioning if he would prefer them. Their butt is bigger, their breasts are bigger, their waist is smaller etcetera etcetera and you find yourself feeling unsexy(yep we stay making up words). During certain scenes in movies you wish the earth would swallow you as you count the seconds till that sexier person is off screen. If he fails to compliment you, you feel as though he has lost attraction to you. In his dealings and conversations with others, you pay attention to and analyze every word, every pause, every where his eyes go to determine if there is any foul play or any flirting happening.
STOP IT!!!
Now please don’t get me wrong, he should always be respectful to you, even in your absence. You deserve to be treated well and he should make you feel special, prioritized and not easily replaceable and you owe him the same. But do not let your insecurities with yourself and your body push him away.
You are so afraid that he sees your body through your eyes that you always feel threatened.
Love, just a little reality check most of these people eh even watching yuh man, they don’t all see him through your eyes. To some he is just a ball of nothingness whose existence means….nothing. But more importantly, remember the trust thing? It is huge. Of course do not throw your trust on any and everyone but you gots relax and trust him.
Breathe gyal, breathe.
Trust him when he says he loves you, trust that he is with you because he likes and loves you and has chosen you, forsaking others. And guess what? If he breaches your trust, that’s on him. You are not perfect and of course you have improvements to make but HE DOES TOO and look at you here being the best you can for him all faithful and shid. It’s tiring living with this cloud of fear and anxiety over your head and you know it.
It is not working.
Perhaps you should try, accepting his compliments . Do not combat them with the negativity that plagues your mind about yourself and what he thinks of you. Be honest with him about your most shameful insecurities. Of course he should not broad bush your valid concerns classing them all as insecurities, but you have to be honest with yourself and with him and open up to him. HE IS NOT YOUR EX or anyone else who may have hurt you. It’s ok to be vulnerable and let him see your ugly. There are some times that you may need to go into a recluse and deal with yourself but remember when you choose a partner, you are supposed to get just that, do not deny him the opportunity to be your partner in every sense of the word. Honesty, communication and trust will help build y’all up.
Girl, men are clueless at times so stop always waiting for him to affirm you. When you feel those negative and body shaming thoughts creeping, verbally affirm your damn self with that verbose eloquence you have. Don’t make that negativity your materiality. And, even if your worst fears become a reality, even if to him you are easily replaceable, even if he pursues another, you is still ah whole entire big blessed deal.
Let love’s light shine through you girl, and yea the light of his love is bright but have you seen love’s light from within? It’s blinding.
Love,
Your Visible Queeness.
#CursiveHealing #TheJourneyToSelfLove Léel Arlene Bain
