Defining Parenthood Without Parents
And discovering some pro-tips from pro-parents along the way
8 weeks ago this crazy little kid arrived at our door. Hop’s his name. He’s a pretty cool dude who has been a delight to get to know. Like most new parents, me and my husband are trying to balance not taking ourselves too seriously with the inevitable nagging feeling of “we can’t f*** this up.”
Given these feelings, throughout my pregnancy I thought a lot about what kind of parent I wanted to be and kept coming back to the question of “what does being a parent even mean?” But unlike most, I don’t have parents that can help me sort these questions out.
My parents died when I was little — my mom when I was 7, and my dad four years later. As a result of these early, traumatic losses, I can’t help but feel like I am missing a few reference points that might be a part of a non-traumatic childhood experience.
There are questions that I keep coming back to, like what did I not experience and how can I pick up these frameworks, approaches, must haves, or values? Did I miss out on any experiences that are ‘must haves’ for being a successful parent? What does a non-traumatic childhood look — and moreover what does it feel — like?
These questions may be impossible to answer, but I can’t help but feel that it’s my responsibility to explore them as much as possible, if for no other reason to come to the conclusion that there are no answers for myself.
First let me tell you a bit about my childhood so I can paint a picture of the brief time I enjoyed with my parents and what happened next. We lived on a cattle ranch in the sandhills of western Nebraska. I was a real cowgirl who rode horses to school and preferred playing in trees to playing indoors. Mom was a leader — the first woman in any activity she pursued (quite an accomplishment in the cattle industry), gregarious, quick, brave. After she married my dad, she remained active in the cattle business, while also establishing the first Bed & Breakfast in the region. Meanwhile dad was a creative entrepreneur — he managed to create a new, highly successful cattle breed, ran a profitable cattle ranch at a time when no one else was; he was also hilarious, clever and loved playing tricks on friends.
After dad died, I moved around a bit and finally settled in Lincoln, Nebraska with family friends that I affectionately call (and, until I was 18, legally called) my guardians, Nick and Ann. Nick and Ann have 3 daughters and living with them was exactly what I needed to get some much needed stability and be removed from the drama that surrounded a potential custody battle. They took me in, gave me a big hug, and put me back on track after a few rocky months. They never tried to replace my parents — they gave me something different and it worked. Their role in my life clouds what it means to be a ‘biological’ parent; while we aren’t related by blood, the bond between us is stronger than any other. To this day, Nick and Ann’s house is still home and going to live with them was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
I tell you this to be clear — I do have some great reference points and individuals that have provided the safety net that parents provide. And for this I am so grateful — I would not be who I am today without my guardians. That said, the moment that mom died changed the course of my childhood, the lens through which I view family and relationships, and has clouded over the ‘normal’ memories of what my childhood was like before 7.
And so the journey begins
I’ve been surrounded by the most amazing people who, collectively, have become my community and my family. Over the past few months, I’ve reached out to these individuals in an effort to define parenthood for myself. I first came up with this idea at MBA school, where I met my friend Louise, and I wanted to know — how did she turn out so badass? Her parents are both industry leaders in their respective fields and I was always curious as to what their secret was. And ever since I met Louise, I’ve found myself asking the same question as I’ve met friends or worked with inspirational leaders.
The questions I asked these ‘pro-parents’ are:
- What’s your secret? How did you raise such awesome kids?
- What’s the most important role as a parent?
- What’s the one thing you’d do differently OR if you could go back in time, what would you tell yourself as a new parent?
- What’s the one thing you couldn’t do without? (could be a baby thing or a person or a book or an act of kindness — anything!)
- My marriage means everything to me — what’s one thing we need to do to make sure we stay close and grow together?
- Anything else you’d like to pass on? Any great lessons you learned from your parents?
The process has been fantastic — it has connected me to being pregnant, helped build a community of amazing parents, therapeutic, and I’ve learned some amazing protips.
It has given me an opportunity to recall the values that come from growing up on a ranch, to taking inspiration from women and men who are industry leaders, to asking my friends’ parents how did you raise such an awesome human?!
Several themes emerged from the responses — woven through the answers, individuals identified some similar themes. Synthesized, I’d say the top 3 protips are:
- Give your child the space they need to grow, evolve, and become the person they need to become.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff; or as one contributor put it, “the fucking laundry can wait.”
- My husband and I need to be a team — it won’t always be easy, but we need to support one another’s decisions, complement each other, and bring the kid into our awesome, crazy lives in our own way.
Looking back, there are some commonalities across the individuals I contacted — many are from the midwest — Louise’s parents, Senator Elizabeth Warren, my cousin Rosemary, guardians, and friend from high school, Madeline. There are also a bunch of atheists and Catholics included, which is interesting given I would identify as neither, but must hang out with a lot of both. Both Republicans and Democrats are included; Brits and Irish.
As I’ve shared this experience with friends, they’ve said “Um please post this! I would love to read the advice!” Over the next few days I’ll share their stories and insights with you — anonymized, but just as real. Hope you’ll find them as helpful and inspiring as I have. And if you have any thoughts on parenthood, feel free to share your protips in the comments.
How to raise an awesome human, Part 1: Pro-tips from pro-parents, answering, “How did you raise such an awesome human?” and “What’s the most important role as a parent?”
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Contributors
Rosemary Vinton Anderson— Rosemary is my cousin and is a rancher in Whitman, Nebraska. She runs a successful AI business, as well as raises 5 boys with her husband Kevin.
Lydia Beebe and Chuck Doyle — Lydia and Chuck are parents to one of my most badass friends, Louise. Lydia is on the board of Chevron and Chuck recently retired from United. Louise has actually been the inspiration for this journey — when we first met, I was like, “how did this person turn out like this?!”
Carol Bernard and Paul Walker— Carol and Paul are my friend Carina’s parents. They raised an awesome daughter and I think it’s a good strategy to keep learning from the awesome parents of my awesome friends.
Rosemary Burke — Rosemary is my cousin, aunt to the aforementioned Rosemary Vinton, and sister to Annette Creaby. ☺ Rosemary and her husband John have raised 4 fantastic kids in Dublin and we are so lucky to have family — and awesome parent role models — nearby.
Bill and Barbara Campbell — Bill and Barbara are parents to my husband, Dominic Campbell. I am clearly biased, but he is one of my favorite humans and much credit to his awesomeness is due to their parenting skills.
Madeline Christen — Madeline and I went to high school together and since, she’s gone on to raise five kids in DC and Switzerland. She’s not only a great mom, she also is a registered nurse, so has loads of awesome advice.
Annette Creaby — Annette is a cousin and, with her husband Tommy, has raised 3 awesome kids. Again — we are so fortunate to have such fantastic, fun, and awesome cousins in Dublin that we can visit anytime.
Nick and Ann Cusick — my guardians. I moved in with Nick and Ann when I was 12 and I am who I am because of them. Nick and Ann raised 3 awesome girls and somehow managed to find room for me.
Carina and Brian Jackman — Carina and I met while serving in student government at the University of Colorado at Boulder (student gov nerds forever!) and have remained close friends since. Carina is a doctor and together, with her husband Brian, they raise their awesome daughter, Avery.
Kate O’Connor — Kate and I come from the same town in western Nebraska and her mom was best friends with my parents. I got to know Kate as an adult when I attempted to nanny for her kids for a couple of summers — Kate taught me about love and sticking with something, even when it’s difficult.
Senator Elizabeth Warren — Sen. Warren and I worked together while starting the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. She’s one of the quickest, strongest, smartest, most revolutionary, empathetic, compassionate individuals I’ve ever met and has been a role model since.
