THE LURE OF THE ALPHA MALE

“I love Alpha guys because they’re so sexy,” says my client Emily, settling comfortably against the couch cushions. “I’ve been talking to this guy on OkCupid. He calls himself a real man,” she adds with a mischievous smile.

“Emily,” I say. “What are you thinking? If this is what he puts up front about himself, he’s probably just another macho guy!”

Most things have come easily for Emily, a well- known CEO at an Internet start- up, and she’s always assumed that when she was ready for marriage she’d meet her male counterpart: someone as ambitious and competitive as she is. In her early thirties and Asian American, she is self- confident, assertive, and unabashedly sexual. Although she’s always envisioned herself married with children, she’s been leading a freewheeling social life and totally enjoying it. But a yearlong relationship recently ended, and she entered therapy to understand why she hasn't met the right guy yet and to figure out what to do.

“I know. I know,” she says. “But he’s really cute and the sex will be great.” She gives me a wide grin.

So much for the serious relationship she swears she wants! “You know,” she says now. “A lot of men I meet expect me to fit the stereotype of the docile Asian woman.”

We both smile. “Well, guess what, Dr. Rhodes,” she says with emphasis. “I am not.”

Frankly, Emily is a tiger. Her style is confrontational and feisty. A while ago, she told me a story about a man she went out with a few times. “We were always locking horns,” she said. “One time when we went out to dinner, I challenged him about a racist comment he made to the waitress. As we got up to leave, he actually put his leg out and tripped me.” She’d obviously been winning the argument.

Emily, a strong, passionate woman who owns her competitive and assertive nature, has reached a crucial turning point: she wants a long- term relationship. Still, as she admits a few sessions later, “I don’t allow people in easily.” Even as a child, she recalls, “I struggled to do everything for myself. I was self- sufficient and a perfectionist. I don’t want to depend on anyone, because then they can disappoint me.” As we talked some more, I
suggested that she might choose men who are uncomfortable with intimacy so that it’s easier to keep them at a distance. She became quiet as she considered this.

After several months of sorting out her unsuccessful relationships with the Alpha guys she’s been attracted to, Emily is struggling with conflicting desires. “I really need to find someone less intense,” she admits. “And not so domineering, a man with a gentler style. He doesn't have to be a killer on Wall Street; he just has to have a strong work ethic and be independent.”

But sometimes she’s still attracted to those Alphas, even though what she doesn't need now is the kind of guy who will ravish her in bed, but be unable and unwilling to build a real partnership. Been there; done that. What she does need is a guy who respects and admires her leadership qualities, her ambition, self- confidence, and success in the world— without considering her a threat. She needs someone assertive but not
confrontational and emotionally accessible— a partner who is accomplished, but places a high value on relationships and great sex. Emily, a strong Alpha female, is heartily in need of a good Beta male. In fact, Beta men are the perfect catch for Alpha women like her.

SEXUAL STEREOTYPING
In the 1970s, evolutionary psychologists applied Darwinian theory to explain the differences in sexual behavior for men and women. They elaborated on the “evolutionary” differences in the sexes (men are hunters; women are gatherers) to explain the assumed natural adaptations that men seek power while women seek security, harkening back to Victorian times, when men were authoritarian and manly and women were passive and ladylike (and repressed). And this was only the beginning of the proliferation of the myths about gender differences. These notions fly in the face of today’s sexual mores, but many people still adhere to the old ideas.

New research is challenging the idea that sex differences are ingrained, or that men are hardwired to be more sexual than women. After scrutinizing more than a dozen older studies on gender, personality, and behavior, researchers found that in a variety of attributes, including sexual attitudes and behavior, “men and women overlapped considerably.” The authors went on to say that a belief in “categorical differences” between women and men actually doubles down on traditional stereotypes “by treating certain behaviors as immutable.” Psychologist Janet Hyde’s study concluded that most gender differences in sexual attitudes and behavior were small.

The fact is there is no evidence that raw sexuality is more masculine by nature, as opposed to nurture (cultural norms). Society has been narrowly defining gender behavior, and the emerging research is saying “hogwash!”

THE SEXUAL/EMOTIONAL SPLIT
“I want to get fucked!” proclaims my client Valerie, giving me a knowing smile. She’s being deliberately outrageous, but I’m aware that she’s expressing her genuine frustration about sex with her boy- friend Michael. “This guy may be too passive for me,” she frets. From what I can tell from her description, Michael is a solid Beta with some Alpha— lower than
most of her previous lovers.

Many women get trapped in what therapists call splitting, which is when you divide the world into black and white. A man either is aggressive, irresponsible, and sexy, or he is sensitive, responsible, and dorky in bed. The bad boy is hot but unreliable. The good guy is caring but uncool. Instead of integrating all the facets of a person into a composite whole, many women divide men into two categories, which makes finding a good match difficult.

Splitting is an unconscious strategy that helps deal with internal conflict. Many women are torn between their strong sexual desires (physical passion) and their relationship needs (emotions). Because these feel irreconcilable, women split off one or the other: a relationship is either all about emotions or it’s all about sex. This doesn't sound right— and it isn't.

For Alpha women, there is a distinct twist. Generally, an Alpha will own her spirit of aggression and competitiveness in most areas of her life— but when it comes to sex she may be loath to take the initiative. Our culture hits women with these familiar double messages: be sexy, but don’t be overtly sexual, and be eager, but don’t be slutty. And then there’s the dire warning that if you show an intense sexual appetite, you will emasculate
your man. Let a man be the man in bed, women are taught. Is it any wonder, then, that in sexual encounters Alphas perceive their take- charge qualities as unfeminine, and shy away from being explicit about their needs? Is it so surprising that strong women want a man to take the sexual lead? It’s paradoxical, and it’s outdated— but some cultural norms die hard. Most women, Alphas as well as Betas, have a fantasy of an aggressive guy who takes them, sweeping them off to sexual ecstasy.

Valerie has never been ostensibly conflicted about so- called male and female attributes. She isn't shy about her sexual appetite— no shrinking violet she. She’s been in a relationship with Michael for several months, but below the surface she has been wrestling with her ambivalence for some time now. An artist who’s had some well-reviewed shows, Michael teaches at a prestigious art school in Manhattan. He’s smart and worldly, and they share the same cultural interests— but he is less sexually experienced than she is.

With the Alpha men she dated, Valerie frequently ended up in competition and power plays, while she and Michael have a warm, companionable relationship and share the same vision of life. What Valerie appreciated most was Michael’s mellow personality, in contrast to her driven, over-controlling tendencies. Like Emily, she is looking for a man to marry and have a family with. Is Michael the one? She’s attracted to him, and they always have sex on their frequent nights together, but she’s disappointed. Still, she hesitates to ask for what she wants, and this is odd because she is usually very assertive. Why does this high Alpha shy away from pursuing her own pleasure?

She is exasperated that Michael isn't a mind reader. “I don’t want to tell him what to do,” she says, irritation in her voice. “I want him to know what I want him to do!”

With a laugh, she adds, “I want him to attack me sexually,” and she isn't exactly kidding. On the other side of the coin for an assertive woman like Valerie are her sexual conflicts— the Fifty Shades of Grey syndrome— which lead her to be seduced by the idea of being taken, assuaging her fear that she is too male. Her assertiveness benefits her at work, but in bed she wants to feel feminine. She imagines being swept off her feet, tossed on the bed or backed up against the kitchen sink; the idea of having her clothes ripped off and arms pinned makes her feel female in a primal way. This dynamic resonates with Valerie, because, independent as she is in other realms, in bed she wants to be taken.

There’s nothing wrong with that— but let her speak up about it! If you want to be ravished, then say so. Valerie can’t expect her boyfriend to know, and she has to own up to her needs.

Many independent, assertive women associate raw sexuality with maleness, and the popularity of Brazilian waxing speaks to society’s conflicts about female sexuality. I’m not going to beat around the bush about this: women want to please men, and women and men alike unconsciously want to neutralize women’s power, so women tone themselves down, from strong adult women into dainty girls. This split between women’s aggression and their sexual desires is contradictory; infantilizing yourself is not a way to resolve the problem.

One twenty- six- year- old woman told me why she and her friends are totally against it. “First, I don’t see why women should go along with a porn- fueled male idea of what women should be,” she said. “And second, ouch!”

Worse, not owning your own powerful sexuality may prevent you from being with a terrific Beta guy who may be a little inhibited in bed or who prefers tender sex to rough sex. If women sit and wait for men to intuit what they want, they will be forever grumpy, thwarted, and dissatisfied.