Helplessness
The biggest bitch of the emotional spectrum.
I’ve been wondering how to write something after my last post for months. I’ve been struggling to figure out just what the right topic was because I felt that if I wrote something funny or silly or uplifting, I would be dismissing the atrocities that have still been going on.
But then I thought to myself, that’s silly. Just because I want to write something joyful doesn’t mean I’m denying that all these bad things in the world are happening, it just means that I want to sprinkle some light into the darkness. Bring some joy to someone out there. Put a smile on someone’s face.
The problem was, the more I thought about it, the more stupid I felt. That I’m making a big deal out of this one little thing more than necessary. I started second guessing whether I should even write anything at all. Whether I should waste my energy in writing something that people won’t even read. Which led to even more overthinking, sadness and self doubt. Hence the large gap in between my posts.
That lovely train of thought spiralled to even darker depths, as always. In the past few months, with the amount of horrific news coming from all corners of the globe, all the suffering I saw in pictures or videos and read in news articles and blog posts started weighing heavily on me. Quite literally. I felt as if I had a stone lodged in my stomach. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel happy about anything. To experience any delight or even attempt to enjoy myself. Any time a sliver of happiness or fun would creep in, I would snuff it out with what was happening in Palestine, Sudan, Congo, Haiti and China. All the people who were dying, fleeing, starving, injured or having to bury their loved ones. I would recall all the indescribable sorrow and horror that I saw. The same would happen when anything even remotely upset me. I would chastise myself. How could I possibly be upset about anything when there were people fighting for their lives, who had nothing? Who would give anything to be in the position that I am in. To be living my life.
I was stuck in a vicious cycle, I didn’t see how it was possible to think about anything good when there was so much bad out there. I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the things that I had or allow myself to be sad about something because of the amount of people suffering in the world. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. It is unacceptable.
I was feeling such a profound wave of sadness but it was quickly getting replaced by anger. I was enraged. The shear amount of fury I had towards the ones responsible for creating this state of the world was insurmountable. It wasn’t a wave anymore, it was a volcanic eruption. I developed a massive hatred towards mankind. I despised it. Human beings slaughtering each other, maiming, abusing and demeaning each other for the things that aren’t theirs. The arrogance, negligence, selfishness and apathy that was so apparent made me want to rip someone’s head off.
I. Was. So. ANGRY. I was angry at the world, angry at politicians and their fucking geopolitical landscapes, angry at myself. I was so angry I could actually taste it. A bitter, metallic tang on my tongue that I couldn’t get rid of no matter what I did. I became a roiling swirl of rage and dejection.
But above all else, what was driving all other emotions and thoughts, was helplessness. I could see everything but I could do nothing. I felt powerless, small, insignificant. Useless.
I started questioning everything. Even my faith, which I worked so hard to restore. I’ve never been the most religious person, but I’ve always believed in God. Always, I have never waived from that singular belief, that there is a Creator. But I’ve never been diligent with my prayers but I had been working towards it; I had started praying more often and hardly missed any, I was reading articles about my religion, deepening my understanding of my faith. Then it all started hanging by a thread. Slipping away little by little. I stopped praying, I started feeling resentful towards God and questioning why, if He was all seeing, all powerful and all knowing, didn’t He intervene and stopped all the calamities that were happening? Why didn’t He do something? Why was He just watching? Why? Why? Why?
I was absolutely terrified of losing my faith to all this anger. I was scared out of my mind at all the questions that were popping into my head and I wasn’t getting any answers. I was stretched beyond my limit, I had no idea what I was going to do or what to think anymore. I felt like I was losing my mind.
The answer came to me at last, in the most astounding of ways; an Instagram story. It said ‘never have I believed in the Judgement Day more than I do right now, because there are some things that cannot be gotten away with’.
Just like that, a spark ignited in my heart. It reverberated through my entire body, I was covered in goosebumps. My mind went blank for the first time in six months. I was rooted to the spot, staring at my phone when the next story appeared, the story that changed it all.
It was a verse from the Quran, ‘Consider not that Allah is unaware of that which the wrongdoers do, but He gives them respite up to a Day when the eyes will stare in horror.’ (Surah Ibrahim verse 42)
I closed my eyes after seeing that and stood there, in the middle of my kitchen, not moving a muscle for a full minute and finally I inhaled so deeply, you would think I’d been underwater. I had tears in my eyes.
The dark cloud that had been thundering over my head all those months, vanished. At last I had my answer and it was so simple. My doubts in my faith were extinguished. I finally understood.
We are blessed with free will; the ability to choose and carry on with our decisions. God is leaving these horrendous, vile pieces of shit to accumulate all their sins, to give them every chance to repent and atone until the day they die and when they do, they will be answerable for every atrocity, every heinous act, every deplorable decision they’ve made in their lives and He will punish them severely for them. All those people who are suffering and dying at their hands are martyrs and will be rewarded when they go back to Him. They will no longer be in pain or feel loss or fear or hunger. They will be free.
For my helplessness, I saw the statistics of the revenues of companies that were being boycotted because they supported the genocides, they were plummeting and continuing to. Millions of dollars in losses, having to shut down branches, issuing statements trying to better their images but they weren’t working. I saw the ICJ ruling and their order for Israel to stop attacking Rafah and although it didn’t stop them, it didn’t leave a doubt in anyone’s mind that Israel is the villain. It has become a permanent stain on their image and no matter what they do now, it will forever be etched in history. I saw the growth of understanding among people who were finally speaking out and raising awareness of what was happening around the world. It was increasing day by day. Small things like talking to friends and family about it, removing apathy and increasing empathy. The world has awoken and there is no stopping it. I found hope again. I woke up.
I educated myself with renewed vigour. Started looking for ways to donate to ethical organisations, talking to whoever would listen about the state of the world, boycotting the brands that were benefiting from the suffering, posting about the genocides and the barbarity that was all around the world. Raising my voice as loud as I could.
I cannot fix anything on the ground, I cannot craft and pass new legislation or change the geopolitical landscape, I cannot stop weapons from being manufactured or fired, I cannot remove anyone from power. I have accepted and come to terms with the things I cannot do. I may not like it and may not be able to change it but I will do everything I CAN do. I will make damn sure I do my part. No matter how small.
I am not going to say I will never feel helpless or angry or vengeful or useless or hurt or dejected ever again because I would be lying and deluding myself. This world has a way of making us feel the darkest pits of emotion available and then make us feel some more. But, as long as there is even a small chance to change something, to sprinkle some light, I will fucking take it.
