My first love — I remember when I was in love with a girl for the first time. She may not have been the first, but she certainly felt like it. She was beautiful in my eyes. Long hair that she kept in a messy ponytail — because she always hated it in her face. Her smile lit up every time she talked about what she was interested in. She was my definition of beauty.
Initially, I wanted to be friends with her — hanging out, talking, hugging, and just being close to her. I liked the feeling it gave me. Nothing could replace the feeling of being in her presence.
I was lost as the feelings I had were deeper than I expected. I wanted to be close to her in a way that wasn’t meant for just friends. I craved her presence. I longed for something more. I wished to feel a sense of security and closeness, but only with her. I started thinking about hugging her and never letting go. My heart longed to be wrapped in her warm embrace. I hoped to smile alongside her. It would be a smile that could only be shared between the two of us. I wanted to bask in her warm smile that made me feel a sense of comfort and security — something I had never experienced before.
Every conversation, every text, and every interaction filled me with joy and anticipation I had never felt before. I felt my heart beat and beat as my thoughts wandered about her. My stomach filled with butterflies as her sweet voice ranged in my ears.
I wanted to know her on a deeper level than others. I wanted her to think of me the same way I thought of her. I was hopelessly drawn to her.
There was a hidden desire within my thoughts — I wanted to kiss her and hold her. Have her in my arms and tell her so many things I loved about her — I wanted to give her my heart. I would let my heart spill out all of my thoughts and feelings for her.
I realized I was in love with her and that scared me.
With love there is fear. Did you know love comes with the fear of rejection? Fear takes over. This fear is rooted in the feeling of uncertainty when it comes to love. It is unknown what the other person is thinking, which leaves us with that unsettling pit in our stomach. It’s not a feeling everyone understands at first. However, it’s the fear of someone you care about, the fear of someone you like not liking you in the same way you do. It’s the fear of having your feelings pushed aside and dismissed.
Everyone has these fears and feelings and it’s completely fine. But you never know how things will end up if you don’t fight for it, and so that’s what I did. I poured my heart out. I was afraid but if I never put myself out there maybe I wouldn’t have known what love was — what being loved felt like.
In my arms, I was able to hold her. I would look at her and smile. It was love so pure and intoxicating that I never wanted to let go. I wanted to keep smiling with her, laughing with her, and sharing things together as lovers do.
Where did all the love go? The memories of my first love remain, but sometimes that love is not enough to keep us together for a long time. You were what felt like my first and sometimes I wish you were my last. Now all I have left are bittersweet memories of what once was.
