The curse of not good enough
Sometimes I am really terrible to myself, and I relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am. I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved or that I’m not living up to my full potential. The question of “am I not good enough?” will be ringing in my head constantly.
There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our society. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of money, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever. I get stuck in my head and my inner critic (critic is a euphemism, it’s more like satan) gets so loud and completely rips apart my self-esteem until I accept it as a true representation of reality and hate myself too much to do anything. You can probably remember a time when you didn’t do something because your “not good enough” thoughts showed up.
The feeling of not being good enough can lead to “impostor syndrome”. With this, people question all their achievements and convince themselves that they’re a fraud about to be caught out at any time. To make matters worse, we can also start thinking that everyone around us is so much better at what they do. The bane of our generation’s existence, social media, seems to just amplify that everyone else is having a better life than us and causing us to think “she/he has a much better job than me”, “look at their family, they are perfect together; that’s nothing like ours”, “I will never be like him/her”.
We all compare ourselves to other people, and the people who seem to have it all, I assure you, do not. Everyone is losing their shit one way or another and when you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are able to see them for what they truly are — human beings. They are beautifully imperfect and going through the same universal crapload that we all go through.
It’s so easy to second guess that you are good enough when all the signs seem to be telling you the opposite. But despite currently feeling like it’s you against the world, it’s important to remember that you are an essential part of this world. You play a role no one else can play.
It’s you who decides how good you can be. You’re in full control of what you’re good at, how good you want to be, and what aspects of yourself you wish to improve about yourself. If someone dislikes something about you that you love about yourself, you don’t need to change. You simply need to tell that person to fuck off and find someone who also likes those aspects of yourself and if you don’t then that’s fine too! The only person whom you need to worry about liking is your own damn self.
If you flunked a test or made a mistake at work and now feel ashamed or disappointed, you can change your studying and working habits (a fixable problem) so that you perform better next time. You need to stop filling your mind with doubt. Otherwise, the feeling of “I’m not good enough” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But today and right now, you can decide to become good enough, if you can even prove that you lack something in the first place.
You being here and alive right now makes you one of the rarest events to ever happen in the world. At one point, humans didn’t even exist in this world. And yet somehow despite all the miscarriages, wide-spread global pandemics, wars and asteroids that would’ve killed your ancestors, the universe conspired to ensure that everything you are, survived. You’re a miracle. There are billions of people who didn’t make it through, but you did. You’ve got a unique set of some of the strongest genes, a bunch of quirky traits, and the craziest opportunity to be alive. If there wasn’t a purpose or a need for you to survive all of the world’s catastrophes, you wouldn’t have.
You are good enough. Don’t let those voices in your head tell you otherwise. I know they’re loud. They’re probably screaming at you right now so you can’t even focus. But you are not your thoughts. Your thoughts have a mind of their own. So, it might be a good idea to personify them. Think of the meanest person in history. Got it? Now every time your thoughts tell you something mean or spiral you out of control say “Stop that thought” replacing thought with the name of the person. Or if that seems like too much work, you can use my technique which is to scream out “BE GONE SATAN!” and have the added bonus of scaring the living daylights out of anyone who is next to you. It’s actually quite effective and unbelievably hilarious. Highly recommended.
By reminding yourself that your thoughts have a mind of their own and that you’re your own person, you realise that you are good enough, regardless of what your thoughts or anyone around you say. Live in the external world instead of being locked up in your brain. It’s a quick and easy way to feel better about yourself.
Life’s going to throw you some curveballs. You’re going to get sucker-punched. Other times, you’ll get knocked down to your knees and be unable to breathe. But it’s important to remember that with every knock out or every hit, no matter how hard, you jump back up and try again. You might fail, mess up and get rejected. But ultimately, you know that even if you’re not good enough today, you’ll definitely be good enough tomorrow. Every day, you take on the day head-on and give it your best. You know that even though you constantly question if you’re good enough, that giving up isn’t in your nature, that you’re a fighter. There’s always a solution to a problem. And even if you’re not quite sure of what your next move is yet, you know that you’re smart enough to figure it out.
You can’t hate your way into loving yourself. Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or loved. I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself — regardless of who you are and where you stand and even if you know you want to change. You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.
