TEEN | 101 | GUIDE
Wasting Your Teenage Years 101
Take It From A Teenager
You want to waste the seven years of your life in which you’re a pimply, overgrown garden gnome? Well then, you looked in the right place. Below is a comprehensive guide on how to ruin and plunder your teenage years. Don’t listen to your parents. Rebel. Do whatever you want to. Don’t try to understand others because they probably won’t ever understand you.
Sound familiar? This article outlines the stereotypical behavior of ‘most teenagers’. So, you must ask yourself, what category do you fall into? Are you a cheerleader? A nerd or a jock? Are you a success? Or will you become a failure? Life isn’t easy, and you learn that the hardest thing is when you’re a teenager.
Everyone says that your teen years are the most significant period in your life. But screw it. You can be whoever you want, whenever you want, however you want. And you don’t need to live up to other people’s expectations of you. As long as you’re happy with yourself.
Your teenage years are your chance to go out and see the world. It’s your opportunity to mess up, fess up and tumble head-over-heels through life. It’s your chance to make bad decisions that won’t matter a few years ahead and make good decisions that will change the course of your life.
So here are a few tips to sail through these years in the best way possible and yet have the most regrets in adulthood.
1. Wish You Were An Adult
Being a child is not exciting and being a teen is even more boring. Imagine being on the threshold of adulthood. Forget about your responsibilities and remember you have obligations to people. Grow up before you need to and spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t. Wish for the world of freedom- adulthood. The wonderful part of the rest of your life when you must repay student loans, mortgages, insurance and be nice to people you hate.
2. Talk About What You Want to do Without Doing It
Talk about how you’re going to the Maldives for a solo trip and then round it off with a road trip across the Americas. Brag about how you want to be a journalist and write stories for the national paper. And then stay at home, don’t do your homework and rewatch reality television programs that your sibling says are for old people. After all, a goal without a plan is just a wish.
3. Lie In Your Bed and Watch Trashy Videos
The peak of being a teenager. Scrolling through YouTube shorts and watching mentally lost people act out memes. Watching crappy TikTok makeup videos that make the person in the video look the clown from It. Wish to be every other person through the screen on your phone except yourself. Bring yourself down and make yourself feel better by watching yet more videos on the screen. Keep your eyes superglued to the blue device.
4. Delete ‘ugly’ photos of yourself
In your parents’ eyes you look absolutely perfect. Through a screen? Don’t even think about it. Only Regina George manages to give off the I-just-rolled-out-of-bed vibes and still have the courage to be mean. Edit the pictures you don’t like so much you look unrecognizable and post them on social media. Delete the photos with you with your other friends where your smile looks like a grimace. Erase the ones that make you look fat, your eyes puffy or hair frizzy. And then when you look back on your teenage years rely on fuzzy memories and blurry recollections.
4. The Most Important of All: Never Crush On Someone
Don’t let your eyes meet anyone else’s for more than a second. Trap the butterflies in your stomach with a metal cage, throw away the key and refuse to smile back. Go to sleep early instead of staying up talking to a person who will ditch you for the next person who comes strolling down the road of life. Forget the people who you’re supposed to care about. Lead a loner life to protect yourself from getting hurt from the people you thought cared about you.
And there you have it. The Guide to Teen Life. Ruining Your Life 101. The mistakes 99% of teenagers make and regret later. Guaranteed brilliant teenager life. You’ll fail all your exams and sail through breaktimes. Results in a genuinely horrible adult life. But hey, life is only worthwhile when you make it. Better sooner than later, eh?
In conclusion, your teenage years may or might not matter. All that matters is your mindset. Have a nice teen life, or don’t. Whatever happens, happens. Just don’t have any regrets. 76% of people on their deathbeds list all the things they never did as teenagers. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. You’ll only remember what you haven’t done. So, take a step away from the screen you’re reading this on. Go out. Feel the cool breeze on your skin and let the cold raindrops fall on your face. Live your life to the best you can because life is short, and you must make the most of it.
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I started this draft on 7/4/2024 and finally got around to finishing it thanks to Medium’s Draft Day. More here: MediumDraftDay.com
