Dear Future Girlfriend

I don’t believe in ‘casual’ dating. If we are together then it means you have to be committed to us; you have to want it to work because I will not be the only one trying. If I sense that you don’t take us seriously or you’re not genuinely trying, I’m out.

You’re going to have to get used to my weird eclectic taste in music if we are going to make it work. I still listen to ‘normal’ people like Imagine Dragons, Rihanna, Ellie Goulding, Tinashe but I also love my Birdy, Zedd, Chvrches and Seven Lions (yes, that’s an actual musician).

I usually can’t dance to save my life so going clubbing isn’t exactly an activity usually on the cards for me but if we do go, you’re going to be stuck with me. Don’t worry, my friends tell me I can dance, I just overthink it (blame the engineer in me) so get alcohol in my system and the dancefloor is ours for the taking.

I’m an unrepentant foodie. I love food, I love to cook and I like to spoil my woman so if you’re not comfortable with your man occasionally going to the kitchen to whip up something exciting for you, I’m sorry. If you also have something against Rubis then I think we overestimated our compatibility.

I promise to be celibate if that’s what you want but if it’s not, you know how they say 90% of women never experience orgasm? I promise you’d be among the other 10%; memories of orgasms I give you would turn on the faucet again. Expect both scheduled and spontaneous sex from me but know that I believe sex is only part of the package and not the reason I’m with you so it’s never going to be about that. I like to cuddle so better not roll away from me in the middle of the night.

I’ve been hurt in the past so in the beginning, sometimes, I would become withdrawn and distant. I’m only trying to tread carefully because when I love, I do so with wild abandon. I would question your actions and motives and it would seem I’m pushing you away. I’m not. I just need to be reassured that you’re ready to slug it with me so please, don’t go.

I would never tell you to stop being friends with a guy or someone you work with but I would tell you if I’m uncomfortable with the way he looks at you when he thinks you’re not paying attention or with the underlying note with which he talks to me when you’re with me. I’m really good at reading people and I have a sixth sense for pigs so don’t conclude that I’m being ‘silly’ or ‘unnecessarily jealous’ if I tell you he just wants to get in your pants. Just trust me. If I’m wrong, I’m not too proud to apologize.

I will respect your schedule as much as I can and keep you informed of plans but know that there will be weekends (weekdays if I can pull it off too) I will just show up at your place, unannounced, with Pizza, Blue Bunny Cookies n Cream or Double Choc Icecream, Oreos and 2–8 movies on a flash (cartoons like Big Hero 6 inclusive because yes, I watch animated movies) so if you had plans for that day sorry, things just changed. Make the calls you need to make (or not), your boyfriend is in town.

You don’t like PDA? Better get used to it. I will hold your hand in public, kiss you when I see you with your friends, kiss your forehead just before I go buy movie tickets, look at you like you’re the only one in the room. I will make friends with a handful of women you work with, not because I know women love me but because I’m going to need insiders when I’m planning a surprise birthday shindig for you…or I need someone to help me buy you lunch when you’re too busy to get it yourself.

I’m your boyfriend but more importantly, I’m your bestfriend so I expect you to be able to tell me anything. From how you were sweating in that meeting because you were trying hard not to fart, to how there’s this fine guy in your office that has the most kissable lips you’ve ever seen. Don’t worry, I know how to toggle the two.

My body is really sensitive so somethings I do might suggest I’m ajebo. I’m not; I have to use soaps that have apricot scrubs to keep my skin from breaking out, I can’t drink ‘pure water’ because I react to the chemical used in printing the name on the sachet and some others. Also, no matter how many times you tell me my fingers and nails are beautiful, I won’t agree with you. Just give up. I won’t admit to having feminine features!

When I’m going through a tough spell or I’m uncertain about a decision I should make, it’s you I will come to. I will express all my fears to you. Don’t laugh some off because you think they are silly. Just assure me. Also, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear, serve me the bitter pill of truth because I would do the same to you. If I can’t trust you to tell me the truth, no matter how hard it is, then we shouldn’t be together. I might not agree with your truth, but at least you told me so I won’t ever turn on you for not telling me the truth. Also, get used to me calling you and praying with you.

I can’t promise we’d get married but if this works out, even for a period, I’m not going to ever want to regret it because you won’t; I’d show you a kind of love you never dreamed of, that I can promise you. You don’t have to meet me halfway, you just have to meet me along the way.

Okay baby?

PS: did I mention I love to kiss? Well I do.

Written by Cavey