Dear Single Women, This Is Why You Attract Married/Unavailable Men

I’m going to start this post my least favourite way of starting posts — with a disclaimer. Not because I want to but I feel compelled to. Why? Judging by the number of calls I got asking me to write on this topic, I know for a fact that some of you will go to town with every single thing I say here. So here goes…

I am a blogger — bloggers often generalise. The end.


I spent a large part of 2013 doing a lot of research on cheaters and the ‘art’ of cheating. Why? Let’s just say you will find out soon enough. My research work was nothing academic or anything like that so I have no numbers, surveys and what not to show you, hence my disclaimer but this and the fact that I’ve been fortunate to write as a relationship blogger for several years has equipped me with quite a lot of knowledge on the topic of cheating generally and more recently, cheating while married.

I think it makes sense to begin with popular assumptions or shall we say myths, commonly associated with cheating while married — oh, sorry, one more thing I forgot to mention is that when I say cheating while married, I’m talking absolutely about women cheating with married men in this post. So, here’s the myth:

Married men mostly seek out younger, single, available women who are fun and can teach them something new (especially in bed) when looking for affairs.

I used to belong to this school of thought too until I started digging deeper into this subject. To be fair, the statement is not entirely wrong as most times married men have affairs, it’s with younger women but what we need to highlight here is that, most times, it’s not the crazy age difference like a 60 year old having an affair with a 25 year old. There’s another term for that — aristos or having a sugar daddy. Yes, I know it still amounts to cheating and once it becomes consistent we can refer to it as an affair but for the purpose of this discourse I’d like us to refer to affairs as relationships that are more beneficial to both parties, drawn out over long periods of time and involve more emotional connections.

The second part of the assumption talks to the fact that many believe married men prefer single and available women to married ones. I guess it’s almost logical to assume that having a family to look after will serve as a major hindrance to an affair. You’d have less time to spend together and even when planning to spend time together, you’d need to put some serious thought into when and how you meet up to conduct your activities.

Now, I don’t know how many of you guys love watching thrillers and crime related movies and TV shows but I do and one of the major things I’ve learnt from these shows is, the hardest crimes to solve are the seemingly obvious ones. Like when a loving father who doesn’t seem to be struggling with any form of depression or whatsoever murders his entire family and has almost all the right alibis. Where do you even start?

I often tell my friends, the best place to hide something is in the open. So if a married guy decides to have an affair, he’s probably better off having a successful one if he introduces his “prey” to his wife, brings her into the family etc. This means less sneaking around because his wife would trust her and will almost never suspect anything. Anyways, I’m not here to teach men how to cheat so that’s about it for the assumptions, now lets go into details on why you attract married or seemingly unavailable men. Please keep all the assumptions I discussed above in mind and use that to put things into context as you continue reading.

After interviewing several women who have had affairs with married men, it occurred to me that many of them seem to posses a few similar traits. Let’s take a look:

They totally loath the idea of married men approaching them. Like loathe is probably a chill word, maybe I should say they abhor it. They hate the idea so much, their immediate reaction to a married guy chatting them up is that of disgust. They just judge the guy on the spot and some go as far as trying to humiliate him publicly.

All well and good right? Not quite. Why? The question is, why is a married man coming after you in the first place? Do you really think it’s all about the sex? Why do we have Adeyemo Alakija street in VI or even Unilag if you will. It will only cost him some change and he’ll probably even get a chic who’ll give him better sex that you can imagine ever. So it’s definitely not about sex. Then what?

One thing marriage does to a man after a few years is — it erodes his self confidence. He feels less and less of a man because there’s this one person who shares his bed every night who has “seen him finish” so for him, he needs that reaffirmation. That reminder that he’s still got game. You don’t expect a man’s wife to challenge him daily right? So where does he find answers — you! By reacting to him, the way you did, you have only validated his choice. It won’t deter him at all — if anything, he’s only going to accept the challenge and dig deep into his armoury to do all he can to bring you down and in many cases, these married men succeed.

Am I asking you to comprise on your standards and not feel disgusted when married men approach you — hell no. There are many ways to kill a mosquito. Perhaps instead of judging at first sight, you could at least let him land before you bury him. That way, he feels less challenged by you — it’s sorta like a reverse friend zoning technique. Unfortunately, if you think men live for challenges, I’ve come to learn women can die for the chase. Even if they’re being chased by the wrong guys, better to be chased by the wrong guy than no one at all right? Hence the problem.

The second trait common to women who constantly get approached by married/unavailable men is that they are often independent. Now, don’t confuse independence with wealth. You could be a contract staff earning 50k a month in some dingy rundown company but when you’re independent, you are Beyonce. She will still find a way to buy her own drink and only go out when she can afford it etc. This is a major turn on for married/unavailable men because most of them are actually more financially buoyant than most, having had some time to stack up some cash. But one way or the other, they feel like they hustled for their money and they try to do what they must to keep anyone from taking it from them too easily. And that’s where an independent woman gets the nod ahead of a whiny university chic always looking to change her phone.

The final trait I’ll touch on is having that ability to keep your mouth shut. This one is tough to explain but I’ll try. Many women who have cheated with married men say they never ever imagined they would but when it happened, did they tell anyone about it? Hell no. Not their mothers, their friends or even priest because after setting such high standards for themselves, they feel like they have more to lose by sharing their secret. How many times have you found out that some chic had an affair with a married man and you just couldn’t believe it for the life of you. Like howwwww?

Again, I’m not here asking you to lower your standards but whatever you do, please don’t go around carrying it on your head. At the end of the day, we are all sinners looking up to God or whatever supreme being you believe in for mercy. If you already know that, you should know that there’s a strong likelihood that married men will approach you so why go about broadcasting your standards to the rest of the world. If and when it happens, deal with it quietly and move on.

Ok, thats all from me. Time to read your comments on all I’ve written. You know the drill, use the comment box to express you.

Written by Thetoolsman