First Time Sex Doesn’t Have To Be In Marriage

When I hear ‘first time sex’ referred to as ‘losing virginity’ it makes me uneasy as I really don’t think you’re losing anything, well besides your hymen. I feel like the verb ‘losing’ is a form of mental conditioning to make people believe that they are losing something important by having sex for the first time.

To me, when you have sex for the first time and you are no longer a virgin, you are not losing anything. You are still yourself, I don’t get why so much emphasis is placed on the presence or absence of the hymen which is basically a thin membrane that closes the entrance of the vagina.

Growing up it was ‘taught’ to me the ‘importance’ of keeping myself a virgin until marriage but from my teens I already envisioned the kind of adult life I saw for myself which first of all begun with no marriage, so I thought to myself, what am I keeping myself a virgin for? I was never one of those young girls who were conditioned into thinking that virginity is your personal gift to your husband on your wedding day.

Different young girls are told things about the first time they have sex (because let’s face it, boys are hardly ever given speeches about first time sex), the save it for your husband seemed to be the most prevalent. There was this popular practice I remember hearing ; it’s the one where on a lady’s wedding night, she and her husband needed to use white bed sheets and the next day the husband will proudly show off the bloodied stains as proof that she was indeed a virgin.

First of all, it’s not like a huge puddle of blood and not everyone bleeds on their first time. If for instance, the bride in question doesn’t bleed on her first sexual encounter she’ll be condemned?? NOT OKAY. I get that some people want their husbands to be their firsts, absolutely nothing wrong with that, everyone likes being the first; you want to put your banner there and say you were there first but it’s also okay if he isn’t the first person you have sex with. He’ll get to be the first at other things and come on, you already plan on spend a huge chunk of each other’s lives together so I’m sure other firsts will come up.

Hi, my name is S and all I’m saying is, it don’t think it should matter if you wait till you’re married to enjoy the thrills of sex.

At a young age a lot of my peers were happily having sex and about every guy I dated sort of expected it from me but truthfully I wasn’t ready to give it. It wasn’t because I cherished my virginity or whatever, I just wasn’t in that mind frame, not because I didn’t think about it or please myself in the confines of my own room (because I did), but something in me wouldn’t just let it.

The major reason why I refused to have sex was because I didn’t want to accidentally have a baby (because truthfully I wouldn’t have the baby). Not wanting to catch an STI and the physical pain of the actual process were only secondary reasons. But I later came to realize that everything had risks, you just have to be sure you want to do it. There were several times where I’d be making out and it could lead to sex but I just never let it, not because the guy wasn’t hot enough or there wasn’t a condom or I wasn’t horny enough but just because. Eventually I was ready and I had sex, it was done.

In my opinion, first time sex is not really about the person you have sex with, because my first wasn’t a boyfriend or anything, I just made sure it was reasonable enough, someone I could have an actual conversation with, someone I was comfortable around. Once you’re comfortable and confident, you’re pretty much good to go. It doesn’t have to be a boyfriend or someone you love, do it on your own terms.

What I have however come to understand about not being a virgin anymore is that being sexually active requires quite a level of responsibility that should only be taken upon by someone who understands what they’ll be getting into. Yes, engaging in frequent sex entails proper care and understanding of the body, registering with a gynecologist you’re 100% comfortable with (for the ladies) and of course birth control measures. In fact it’s also your responsibility to not have sexual relations with someone who you’ll regret in a few weeks.

I have the philosophy that you must first learn how to pleasure yourself sexually before anyone can pleasure you. You got to know what turns you on, what gets you going, you’ve got to admire your naked body, you’ve got to actually look down at your vajay-jay/deek, learn how it works! When you know some of the things that have your blood rushing, it’ll be easier when someone else is making you feel some typa way.

For those who remain virgins into your 30s I give a tip of my hat to you. You guys are the real MVP’s, how you managed to suppress all your raging hormones for years is beyond me. I admire your discipline and self control; well, either that or you must be really good at pleasuring yourself.

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs about sex; I’m not here to condemn anyone’s point of view about having sex for the first time. If you wait till you’re married, all well and good, if you don’t, never let anyone make you feel guilty for having a healthy sexual appetite. So share with me what you guys think about first time sex.

Written by S