I Like Big Butts And Now I Know Why

Depending on how old you are, you either laughed at the title of this piece or completed the lyrics to the popular 1992 hit by Sir Mixalot — Baby got back. Let’s not dwell on age today, we have big things to discuss. Literally. I’ve written in the past on how I really can’t make up my mind if I’m an ass guy or a boobs guy. It’s like asking me to choose between Jesus and the Holy Spirit. No seriously, who does that. Anyways, the last time I discussed this subject, someone helped me come to a realization that if it came to it, you know, like if I’m picked as a team captain in heaven and the two players left to select are… arrggghh.. God forgive me. If it really, comes down to it, I’d probably go with the ass. Why? Well, to put it lightly, by the nature of its physical structure, it is designed to last longer than the boobs.

Yes, let’s not start with the boobs debate this morning. We all know that saying, what goes up must surely come down — even A-cups. And before I go on, I know some of y’all will come at me with examples of women with saggy behinds — I’m very aware of this but I’m an engineer by training, I like facts and figures and these tell me that the probability of boobs sagging is way higher than that of the ass. And, so, on this premise, I was able to conclude that I, The Toolsman, am an ass guy.

But then again, I mentioned that I’m an engineer so I find it difficult to accept simple non-factual conclusions. I have always wondered if there was some sort of scientific evidence to back my affection for le derrière. I was doing my blog rounds recently when I came across this post — Science Explains Why Men Like Women With Curvy Booties. Finally, that Eureka moment. I rushed over to the article and read with all the expectation in the world. There was even a video debate but for the benefit of those with data issues, let me post an excerpt:

“Over the course of human history, women faced the adaptive problem of a forwarded-shifted center of mass during pregnancy,” study co-author Eric Russell, a graduate student in psychology at the University of Texas at Arlington, told The Huffington Post in an email. “Women with a greater degree of lumbar curvature … were able to redistribute this center of mass to reduce the strain of pregnancy. Thus, we hypothesized that men should have a psychological adaptation to prefer these women as mating partners.”
In short, male preference for this specific anatomical form likely evolved because it enabled women to sustain multiple pregnancies without injury and to forage productively during pregnancy.
For the study, more than 300 men rated the attractiveness of female silhouettes that had lumbar curvatures ranging from 26 to 61 degrees.
The men found a moderate curvature — about 45.5 degrees — to be just right. Such a curvature would have conferred evolutionary advantages without presenting health problems like back pain and slipped disks, the researchers said.
The researchers also found the structure of the spine itself, rather than just the buttocks’ fat and muscle, is key.

In summary, scientists have come out to say it’s not the ass — it’s the spine. *Insert long pause here* So when your wife/girlfriend catches you watching videos from the twerk team online, just tell her, babe, its not the ass, its her lumbar curvature — can’t you see how good it looks?

I call BULLSHIT. Guys, please help me out on this one. Why do you like big butts?