Male Virginity: Attraction or Dealbreaker?

Yo yo yo… I have decided to welcome you this week with my mother’s preferred greeting. Yes, conversations with my mother tend to begin with a “yo” or “watsap”. And trust me, she’s always the one doing the yo-ing.

With the pleasantries over, let’s get into it. I was struggling with topics to write about and Toolsman came to the rescue with this question. When it comes to sex, is experience (or lack thereof) a deal-breaker? In particular, is lack of experience in its most extreme form - virginity - an absolute red light?

He was referring specifically to male virginity which I think sometimes holds different connotations from female virginity as evidenced by the comments we got here. While some still view female virginity through a lens of chastity and purity, male virginity is mostly damned as a burden of inexperience meant to be shed as soon as possible. In my personal opinion, virginity holds no moral value. In terms of its instrumental value though, i.e. how I see it in relation to offering pleasure in a relationship, I am more flexible. As a Politics graduate, I am going to stick with my training here and sit on the fence. When did you ever hear a politician give a straight answer? I am unashamedly team #ItDepends but within very specific perimeters.

Experience is not a direct indication of talent. This is true in sex and in life as a whole. Having done something a lot over a long period of time does not negate the possibility that you have simply been doing it wrong over and over again. I am sure many of us can testify to experiences with individuals who claim to have earned their stripes, only to leave you counting the tiles on the ceiling during their performance.

This applies to both the I-Can-Go-Ten-Rounds brothers and My-Milkshake-Brings-All-The-Boys-To-The-Yard sisters. Regularly offering ten fifteen second rounds to the scores of women you have been intimate with hardly confers you with a medal of honour. Similarly, leaving dozens of men with teeth marks in the aftermath of your intimate encounters does not anoint you as a pro. On the other hand, someone with less experience might be willing to learn, either because of a naturally more sensual and adventurous personality or a genuine desire to just make their partners scream. That passion to please and the talent that might result from it are not necessarily connected to how many times you’ve employed the use of your genitalia.

However, I feel that it is important to point out that experience can make you more aware of the various routes to pleasure on offer. Whether it comes from simply relating with different people and their varying tastes or mad spontaneity in the bedroom, experience offers exposure. Still, awareness of these techniques does not always translate into willingness to perform them or any kind of skill in accomplishing said tasks. Any woman who has had her clitoris bathed in saliva to no avail will testify to this.

So far, I have been discussing within the assumption that there is an intention to have sex. Yet, many virgins intend to remain exactly that until their wedding nights. As a firm advocate of fornication, this is an absolute deal-breaker for me. With something as important as sex and the possible religious connotations it might hold for some, it is crucial to be on the same page. If you see sex as a vital aspect of a romantic relationship, it is unfair and just evil to pressure or coerce someone with strongly contrary views to contradict such an important value. Similarly, it is unfair for you to be denied of your daily bread because you and your love interest are not on the same page. The scenario is dead on arrival. Total non-starter. Just. Walk. Away. Whatever your interests are, neither fellow fornicators nor equally eager evangelists are terribly hard to find. Stay in your lane.

I value selflessness in the bedroom far over experience because that is what really determines whether or not a guy will even bother to make the experience worth your while. Even if an experienced guy had all the tricks and skills but simply wanted to get in, get off and get out, none of that experience will be useful to you. I am aware of other factors that accompany lack of experience- such as deeper emotional attachment to sex or lack of confidence. These factors may affect sexual performance or just make the relationship very awkward.

This is where communication comes in. Someone with a genuine desire to please will simply bloom in an environment where pressure and judgment are replaced with honesty and understanding. Also, some of us might just need to stop being hard on guys. Virgin or veteran, your man cannot be a gymnast or acrobat every night. Aside unfair expectations, some of our complaints also stem from being tight-lipped. Maybe subtly mentioning that your lady parts prefer not to have such frequent contact with his teeth might actually be more productive than cursing him out in your head and with your girlfriends before writing him off. As with all things, every relationship is different: some people simply cannot handle bad feedback and it is your decision as to whether or not you wish to continue sharing your vagina with them. Still, my fundamental argument remains. Experience or no experience, it’s really the thought- and effort to follow that thought with actions- that counts.

Alright. Comments time? Blessing time! Would you date a virgin? If you haven’t already deduced from my epistle, my answer is yes as long as future sex is not marriage-dependent. Still, I like to hear from those who disagree. I am especially interested if your disagreement comes with spicy stories of your close encounters with the virgin-kind. The comments section is yours so go for it.

Written by Funmi O