The Age Conundrum

***Opening Credits Score: Moonlight || Ariane Grande***

Girl meets boy.

Girl and boy hit it off.

The attraction is undeniable. They talk/text every day (maybe even go on a couple of ‘casual dates’ together) and boy ticks all the boxes in girl’s book. Boy and girl have a really good thing going for them. One night…

Tunde: …about your brother, I think you should just let him make his own mistakes. The only way he’s gonna learn how to jump is if he falls, you can’t always protect him.

Ayo: Okay. *in a teasing voice* yes daddy

Tunde: *raises eyebrow* oh you’re calling me old?

Ayo: Maybe :$

Tunde: Well are you complaining, o young one?

Ayo: Complain? Me? At all o! I like my men old and wise :D. How old are you, oh wise one?

Tunde: You’re the one good with numbers, you tell me. Birthdate: 20.04.1990.

*music stops, eerie silence follows*

“20.04.1990” keeps echoing in Ayo’s head as she repeatedly does the arithmetic in her head, although it’s not so difficult because she herself is a 1986 baby. She’s falling for a man — no, a boy four years younger than she. What’s she going to do???…

******

A couple of months ago, I was texting someone who I knew was intrigued by the idea of ‘Cavey’ and things were going very well. She’d told me she was twenty-nine and when I asked her how old she thought I was, she said I was definitely in my thirties and she needed to know how I had not been seized. I laughed to myself because again, I was at a crossroad (‘crossroad’ because she’d one time mentioned how she’d immediately zoned someone she found attractive because she was older than him with a couple of months). Now, I could easily have lied to her or made her believe her guess was true, continued ‘courting’ her till we got to a place where I knew her feelings for me would be able to handle the truth and we continue but I’d rather not build a relationship on a foundation of such a lie so I was honest. She didn’t believe me until I told her that I could easily have beguiled her, then told her my age and by that time, her feelings for me would have been so strong, she’d tell me “age is just a number and it doesn’t matter” but like I said, I’d rather not build a relationship on such deception. We’re good friends now but sometimes, she still asks me if I lied to her about my age because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her and it’s happened to me a lot — a potential relationship turned friendship because the world heard my cry after they heard hers — and I’ve wondered why ‘age’ is such a deal breaker in relationships so I turn to the TNC community to help me understand.

As defined by Urban Dictionary, Age (eyj) (n) is;

i. “something which is just a number”;

ii. “something that doesn’t matter when selecting a mate”

… and although lots of people are familiar with the first definition, they don’t agree with the second. In JS2, I had lots of seniors as friends who talked to me about their relationships and asked for my thoughts/advice so it didn’t come as a big surprise to me when in JS3, someone in SS2 told me she wished she could be my girlfriend but she can’t for “obvious reasons” but they were not obvious to me. I mean, didn’t people fall for those who they found mature enough? I’ve always known emotional maturity is not a factor of age so it being the reason why I wouldn’t be the envy of all my mates in Junior School was hard to take (judge me petty all you want but the possibilities were endless!). Anyway, over the years till date, I have never been anyone who was my ‘age mate’. I’m not saying I’m attracted to ‘cougars’ or ‘MILFs’ but ‘age’ isn’t a factor that holds major sway in my relationships. Probably why after high school, I knew that whoever I’d end up getting married to would have an ‘allowance age’ of +4 to -2 for me. Interestingly, in my first year in college, while processing a family visa application, I stumbled on my parents’ birth certificates and I was surprised to learn that mother dearest has 3 years older on my dad and they’ve made it work so far (their 36th Anniversary is in September).

There are quite a number of situations cut from the same cloth as Ayo’s & Tunde’s (who are completely fictional) where the man is very qualified to be siezed and is in every sense, mature enough to be in a stable relationship but the age hurdle comes to play. Ladies, help me understand? Would you end a potentially beautiful thing because he’s younger than you, even when is mind is mature enough? If yes, why???

Written by Cavey