Thin Line Between the Desperate and the Confident Chic

Hey people, Toolsman here serving up today’s dialogue. Like a stubborn tick stuck to some juicy body part of a dog, this issue has just refused to go away since forever. Heck, I can bet a finger somewhere in the world right now, some people are gathered having a debate on the topic. What am I talking about? Let me start off with a scenario:

A: So do you really believe everything they say in commercials?

B: Excuse me?

A: Elegance inspired confidence. The pay off line for your perfume

B: hahahaha

A: So which is it, are you really “elegant” or is it just your perfume

B: The king of England has nothing on me

A: England has a Queen and then there’s her husband

B: My point exactly, I’m just waiting for the old woman to move on so I can claim my throne

A: Damilola Akintola

B: James. Ikenna James.

A: I don’t trust men with two first names

B: I don’t trust women who pick up men at bars

A: Some of us don’t need cheesy perfume ads to tell us we are confident

B: Very thin line between confidence and desperation

A: If I was desperate, I’d be half way feeding on you by now

B: Hmm… Cocky are we?

A: Well, I hope you are or else this would have been a waste of my time. I saw something close to what I like and I came for it. Now why don’t we start over and this time, make me believe it’s not just the perfume talking.

So there you go a simple scenario. Well, maybe not so simple for us Nigerians because you rarely find two people talking like this nowadays, our conversations are mostly flat and fickle but that’s a discussion for later. In the scenario, a young “seemingly confident” woman, spots a guy she fancies at a bar, walks over to him and starts a conversation. A very sexy conversation if I do say so myself. And probably to her surprise, the guy keeps up with her wit long enough for her to introduce herself and I’m sure we can all imagine how those two can go on from there so maybe start something serious?

Anyways, I don’t need to point out just how low the possibility of this scenario happening in a Nigerian bar is right? Right from the first statement I’m sure the women reading were like “yeah right, why on earth am I going to go into a bar ‘alone’ and as if that isn’t bad enough, try to pick up a guy”? Well, I’ll start off by saying for all the ladies who thought that, I feel your pain but worry not, that is why we are here today and I hope that at the end of this dialogue, we’ll have some answers.

Just over the weekend at the TNC and American Honey Cold Gold event, I had a discussion with some female friends on how they needed to be more confident about going after guys and they quickly brought up the desperation argument. Yes, there’s no doubt about it, there really is a thin line right there; it’s very unfortunate for women because it is one of the world’s greatest double standards but the truth is, women encourage it and even though this is not the main focus of our discussion today, I’d like to ask the women reading just how much they’ve supported feminists who encourage women to go after what (in this case, who) they want no matter what/how the world labels them? If ALL women come together and say, eff it, from today, we’re turning the tables around and I don’t care what anyone says, if I like a man from afar, I’ll walk up to him and at least let him know.

Anyways, since we know that isn’t going to happen, at least anytime soon, let’s discuss the more realistic solutions to this dilemma. Now before we get to your comments, I’d just like to point out something and maybe the guys reading can back me up here: If any Nigerian woman walked to me at a bar, in church, heck, even on the road and strikes up a conversation as witty as the one above, there is absolutely no way in the world that the first thoughts in my mind will say — DESPERATE.

Now calm down. I said first thought. For a guy to qualify a woman as desperate, it doesn’t take just one factor. A lot goes into it — well, except you walk up to me and literally beg me to get with you (that could also come off as crazy though). If you walk up to a guy with all that confidence and strike up that kind of conversation, he’s thinking ok, she’s confident, witty, intelligent and then the guy goes on to do what I’ll call the “hotness ratio” calculation. If you’re an 8 and he’s a 4, then obviously, something isn’t right. If you’re a 4 and he’s a 9 then confidence and wit don’t count for jack, at least not at immediately.

Guys who know they are 9’s literally have sex thrown at them so it easily becomes an acquired taste and as a result, they naturally think every chic wants to get a piece so this type of confidence won’t work with them. Women who are 9’s and have the confidence of Olivia Pope naturally repel most men (yes, we’re chicken like that) so if she walks up to a guy that’s a 4,5 or even 6, he’s going to be thinking, yup, she’s stranded and I’m the easy prey. She’ll probably have a better chance with an equally confident guy who’s a 7 or a SUPER confident 6.

Ok, I hope I haven’t lost you with the numbers. While writing this, I discovered there are actually so many angles here and I think it would make sense for me to do a miniseries on the topic so everyone gets it once and for all. Think of it as my good deed for the year. Before we get there though, I want to form a background by reading your thoughts on this. I have quite a lot of questions so take your time to respond.

To the ladies reading, have you ever made the first move on a guy? How did it end? Were you as confident and witty as the lady in our scenario? If no, do you think wit or humour is an advantage when picking up guys? And if you’ve never, tell us why? What would make you change your mind?

For the guys reading, have you ever experienced a chic making the first move on you? How did it go? Tell us what’s on your mind when a chic walks up to you and makes the first move. When/how do you draw the line between the confident and desperate chic?

You know the drill; use the comment box to express you.