Just Kids

OCTOBER 2013

Violet smiled as she opened her eyes. “You know, in French, the slang for orgasm is ‘la petite mort’ which literally means ‘the little death.’ It’s kind of crazy, when you think about it. For a second or two, you literally die of pleasure.”
Jasper rolled over, and rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah? How many times have you used that line?”
“Just once actually,” she replied, frowning. “And that time being right now. We learned about it in my English class last marking period, I think it was during our section on Lolita, and I remember looking it up afterwards. Apparently our brains really do lose all thought for a brief moment, so it’s the only time when we are alive that our minds are completely empty, the only time we really just do not have to think. Maybe that’s why it’s so pleasurable.”

Jasper laughed. “Alright, Hemingway, no need to turn everything you do into a poem.”

“Hemingway wrote more novels than poetry, but anyway…”

“Anyway, this was fun. Let’s do it again sometime?”

“Dinner after?”

“Okay, it’s a deal.”

JANUARY 2014

“I’d like to imagine that we could just get in this car and drive forever. Like, I wish we could pack a bag or two, fill up the tank, get on the highway, and disappear,” Violet said, sticking her hand out the window. It was dusk, her favorite time of the day. Everything looked blue, even the hundreds of green trees that became a blur as they drove by them.
He stared straight ahead, with his brown hair sticking out in all different directions and his face illuminated by the dashboard. “Can you shut that? It’s fucking cold, babe.”
“You’re such a drag,” she said, laughing. “So, where would you go if you could cut all ties and move somewhere random?”
The Subaru skidded to a halt at the red light. “I don’t know, Berlin maybe? I hear the techno scene there is pretty wild. And beer is cheap. And German’s such an angry language, imagine just hearing people yell at each other all the time. I mean, I do at home but…”
“Well, personally, I’d be somewhere in Switzerland, having pancakes or something,” she said. “Fun fact: Switzerland is one of the only six neutral European countries. Maybe you should join me.”
He finally cracked a smile and pressed his foot onto the gas just a little too quickly for comfort. Violet leaned back and watched as the needle on the speedometer gradually moved around the circle, like the hand of a clock that paid no heed to time; as it neared 85, she closed her eyes and imagined that they were on their way to the airport.

FEBRUARY 2014

Violet had never actually been to a school-sponsored event, even though it was now her junior year in high school. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go. She just never really had anyone to go with, which was actually what kept her from doing most things. But when she started dating Jasper, she had someone to do things with, and so she found herself at her first-ever open mic night. Jasper was class president, a soccer star, and the lead in all of the school musicals — which made sense, because Violet genuinely believed he had the most amazing voice she’d ever heard. She especially appreciated it on quiet nights when he parked his car in a secluded lot and sang her favorite songs for her while she played her ukulele. She could never do the singing part herself.

“There’s an open mic night on Saturday,” he had said that past Wednesday. “You should read a poem. I’m going to sing something with the guys, and maybe a song for you, if you’re lucky.”

“Hmmm, I’ll read a poem if you sing my favorite song,” she said,

“What’s your favorite song again?” Violet couldn’t tell whether he was joking or not, but she didn’t think he was.

“Seriously!? Well, I’m not telling you. You’ll have to figure it out.”

Jasper had gotten there early to set up — he was the emcee — and now Violet had to face the entrance alone. She walked into the chorus room nervously. The normally very plain, white and blue room was transformed into a soft, pink-toned wonderland. The rows of folding chairs were replaced with various couches and bean bags, and Christmas lights wound their way up the poles in the center.

She had a seat as Jasper announced the first act. A nerdy kid she recognized from English class read a short story about robots that sounded an awful lot like the storyline of that Disney movie, “Wall-E.” Violet was nervous for him, but to her surprise, the crowd was far more supportive than she had expected and the room erupted in cheers when he finished reading. Maybe she could do it.

Act after act performed. There were a few poems read, a lot of piano songs played, and even more songs sung. Jasper performed a doo-wop song with his choir friends, and as the night was coming to a close, Violet was a little disappointed that he didn’t return to the microphone for a second performance.

“Hey guys, I have one last little surprise for you.”

Violet smiled to herself as he played the first chord of Under the Milky Way.

APRIL 2014

“You came off as an asshole, and you are an asshole, but you’re an asshole who listens to me. Like, actually listens — you ask questions not out of courtesy, but out of curiosity. Your intentions are nothing but good and you hug me every time I leave, even if you’ll see me tomorrow.” She fidgeted, wondering if she should say more, but the smile that danced on his lips granted her a weird sort of permission.

“You’re the kind of person who you collect in small pieces, and then avoid putting them all together because you want an excuse to keep finding out more,” she said. “The kind of person you want to fall in love with slowly, you know? And the days and weeks and months go by, and then one day you realize you have.”

“Are you saying you love me? I think so. I mean, god, I wish I could tell you how great you are but I don’t know if I’ll ever live up to that little monologue.” He kissed her. “So yeah. I love you too.”

JULY 2014

They had his mom’s house all to themselves for this very special occasion, so Violet tried her best to make him angel hair pasta with red sauce and shrimp. When that wasn’t too great, she ordered Chinese food instead and somehow managed to stick a candle into his carton of chicken lo mein.

“Make a wish, you big 18 year old,” she said, grinning.

“Hmmm… I wish that we could just get out of the goddamn middle of nowhere and we could move to the city together and have our own apartment. We could even have a French bulldog.” He winked. “You’re the love of my life, you know. We deserve to be together somewhere better than here.”

His words both excited and scared her as she watched him wish for those things. “Oh, come on, you weren’t supposed to tell me! Now it’ll never come true.”

He rolled his eyes and leaned over the table to kiss her.

“Baby, we don’t need to wish for this.”

SEPTEMBER 2014

They had it down to a science. They both told their parents that they were going to the mall, which was forty minutes away, and both of them were fashionable people, so it would make sense that they would spend 2–3 hours at the mall. Plus the forty minute return trip would, in theory, take an hour to an hour and a half with traffic. Under the cover of “the mall,” they had about five hours to run away to the city.

He always drove fast, but he drove especially fast that night. “You know, we’re crazy,” he said, shaking his head and laughing.

“And why’s that?” Violet responded, putting her feet up on the dashboard.

“I am actually going to kill you if there are scuff marks. But anyway, by the time we get to the city, we’re literally going to have an hour and a half. What are we going to do? Do we even have a plan?”

“We do not,” she said. “And that’s completely fine. I say we just go up to Central Park and walk around. You know how to parallel park, right?”

“Yes because I’m a good driver, unlike someone over here.”

“Mhmmm. Well, I’m sure Central Park is really pretty in the snow. At night. Romantic, you know?”

“As long as we don’t get killed by a homeless guy.”

“Always an optimist.”

“Do you think we’ll actually get away with this?’”

“Is Find My iPhone off on your phone?”

“I think so.”

“Then call us Bonnie and Clyde.”

NOVEMBER 2014

“I hate them, Violet, I fucking hate them.” Jasper threw his backpack onto her bed and began pacing. “Why am I the one being punished for the fact that they married the wrong fucking person? I didn’t ask for this.”

“What happened this time?” she asked, watching him from the bed.

“She’s crazy! She’s fucking crazy. She told me that if I don’t remove my dad’s girlfriend from my Facebook she’s going to deactivate my phone, which doesn’t even make any sense. Like, she doesn’t understand that I’m mad at my dad too and I’m mad at my dad’s girlfriend and she’ll never be my mom but she’s still going to be a part of my life. I mean, they’re good together and I’m glad my dad is happy but this whole thing has caused so much unnecessary pain and trouble in the long run.” He paused and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m so fucking tired of fighting, but they don’t understand that. I’ll do anything to please either of them and that just always leaves me stuck in the fucking middle.”

“Aw man. I wish I could do something. It’s so unfair to you, dealing with that every day. It’s been long enough, you’d think they’d get over it by now. I’m sorry.”

“Ah, thanks babe. It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” He sat down next to her and pulled her into his lap. “I’m just frustrated. You know me, I bottle it all up but sometimes I can’t help it and I explode. Thanks for listening.”

“Of course. I’m always here.”

“How was your first therapy meeting? Uh, I guess i’ts called a session, right?”

“Yeah, um it was okay. I like her, she’s nice. I think it’ll help. She said we’ll spend the next few times talking through everything so she can give me a diagnosis. She thinks I have both depression and anxiety, and she says that sometimes those things can be treated by just talking about it and other times people have to go to therapy and take meds. So we’ll see.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re getting help. I just want you to be happy.”

“I want to be happy too. And I know I will be.” She smiled. “After all, I have you.”

DECEMBER 2014

They sat cross-legged on her living room floor, each holding the other’s gift in their lap. Jasper’s gift to her was sloppily wrapped; Violet’s gift to him was tied with a bow. Christmas at home was tough for him this year, so Violet saved all of her tips to surprise him and invited him over. Her parents didn’t mind — they loved Jasper. He opened his gift first, pulling each piece of tape off and carefully unfolding the wrapping paper instead of ripping it. During their first Christmas together, Violet had found this ridiculous, but now she knew that he always needed some sort of order in his life.

“Wow, Violet, you didn’t have to do this,” he said. He held two tickets to a now-sold-out Kanye West concert in his hands. “Holy shit, how much were these?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Violet said with a smile. “My turn?” She tore off the wrapping paper excitedly. It was a book: The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway. She didn’t know how to tell him that she didn’t have the energy to read anymore, so she just held it close to her chest and gave him a kiss.

FEBRUARY 2015

There was a huge blizzard that Valentine’s Day, which effectively ruined their plans to go to dinner in the city. Instead, they took Violet’s projector and made a makeshift movie theater in her basement. They hung a white sheet on the wall, collected some pillows, and hung up curtains around the couches just in case one of Violet’s parents walked in.

“Alright, what movie are we watching?” Jasper asked as he plopped down on the couch.

“Have you seen Donnie Darko?” she asked. “It’s my favorite movie, and it’s the kind of movie that you actually have to watch over and over again because it’s such a mindfuck. Every time I watch it, I swear I learn something new.”

“I haven’t actually, you wanna do that?”

“Sure thing. Why don’t you pull it up, and I’ll go make some popcorn?” Violet went upstairs into the kitchen. Even after the microwave began beeping, she sat on the counter, half avoiding going back downstairs. As things with his parents got worse, Jasper had become more irritable, and last week he snapped at her when she told him that she wasn’t in the mood for sex. It was a little scary, because he sort of pushed her off of him. It wasn’t even a gentle push, actually, it was more of a shove. He hadn’t answered her texts for a few days after that, and then suddenly he responded as if everything was fine. She wanted to be there for him, but she wasn’t sure if she was okay with him taking out his frustration on her. She had enough to deal with.

Eventually, she gathered her strength and went back downstairs. He had the movie set up and the room was lit by the familiar hues of blue and purple that immediately brought her comfort.

“What took you so long?”

“It took me a second to find the popcorn. We only had one bag left, I guess my mom hasn’t gone grocery shopping in a while.”

“Oh, alright. Well I’m excited to finally watch your favorite movie, babe.”

She curled up next to him as she watched Donnie wake up on a mountain and laugh. She felt like she knew him personally, not only because she had seen the movie so many times, but because she related to being the weird kid in high school, and also to feeling slightly insane at all times. Violet had always wanted Jasper to watch this movie. She felt like he’d just somehow understand her better afterwards. Five minutes in, Jasper slid his hand onto her butt. She didn’t respond in any way, so he squeezed her a little.

“Hey now, pay attention,” she said, half teasing him, half serious. “Every detail is important.”

“Mmm, I’m sure it is babe,” he said, slowly moving his hands elsewhere and kissing her neck. “But it’s Valentine’s Day… we can watch the movie another time…”

He really started kissing her now, but Violet hadn’t been feeling it lately. She hadn’t been feeling much of anything, really. Whenever she was with Jasper, she just wanted to cuddle in silence, but he didn’t quite understand that. She slowed the kissing and curled against his chest instead. He sat up and turned to her.

“What did you do that for?”

“I don’t know. I just haven’t had the urge lately. I’ve just been feeling kind of blah.”

“Come on babe, it’s Valentine’s Day. I don’t ask for much. It’s been like two weeks now, a guy has needs.”

“I know, I know, but… alright.” She started kissing him again, but then pulled away. “Ugh, I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

Jasper pulled her underneath him. “I know you want this. It’ll make you feel better.” He started unbuttoning her pants, and at first she didn’t resist. He was her boyfriend after all, but once his hand slid in, she slapped it away.

“Hey, not cool. I told you I didn’t want to do this.”

“Come on, Violet, I can’t believe you. I deal with so much at home and I need to release the tension somehow.”

“And I need you to understand how I’m feeling! I don’t know why I’m feeling these things, or rather, why I’m not feeling anything, but I am, and that’s something you’re going to have to deal with if you love me like you say you do.”

“I do everything for you and I rarely ask for anything in return. I always listen to you bitch about how depressed you are, but you don’t have to deal with nearly as much shit as I do.”

“Okay, listen, my troubles are just as valid as yours, and I’m sorry that listening to me feels like a chore. Trust me, I wish I didn’t have to complain. You’re the only person I have besides my therapist to listen to me. I don’t want to feel like a burden. Maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

“Don’t say that! I’m sorry, look, I’m sorry. You’re not a burden. Let’s just forget about it and finish the movie.” He kissed her on the forehead. “It’s Valentine’s Day, we shouldn’t be fighting.”

Violet hesitantly buttoned her pants and put her head on his chest again. That was really weird of him, she thought.

“No, we shouldn’t be.”

“So what’s happening now?”

“Uh, well Donnie’s at this therapist because he might be schizophrenic, but I don’t think that he actually is. In the director’s cut, Richard Kelly makes it very clear that it’s not the point of the movie. It’s about time travel. But a lot of people think that all of this is just in Donnie’s head, that he’s crazy. And maybe he is a little crazy, but maybe that’s why I like him so much…”

She looked over. Jasper was asleep.

APRIL 2015

Violet smoothed her hair down against her head, taking one last look in the mirror. The white dress that hung delicately on her body was not a wedding dress, but for some reason it felt just as important to her. It was long and flowy and it made her feel as light as air when she twirled in a circle. It even made her feel a little bit beautiful, a word she had not heard in a long time.

She took a deep breath and opened the door. He looked up from his phone and gave her a half smile. “I like it!” he told her, but she could tell it was a half-hearted compliment.

“Really?” she asked, twirling back and forth, watching the bottom create a circle around her. When he didn’t respond, she frowned and sat down next to him on the bed. “What’s up?”

“Nothing! You look great!”

“I know you better than that. What’s wrong?”

“No. No, it’s nothing. It’s stupid.”

“Well it’s not stupid if it’s bothering you. Tell me.”

“It’s just that the dress is a little long.”

“What do you mean it’s ‘a little long’?”

“I don’t know, I just think it’ll get in the way when we’re dancing. And you know, when we win prom king and queen, I don’t want you like, tripping over it.”

“Well I already paid for it and had it tailored, so there’s nothing I can do about it now. I thought I looked like an Egyptian queen or something. And more importantly, I thought you would like it.”

“I do like it! And you look great in it,” he said. “But you weren’t thinking of me and how it would affect our night together when you bought it.”

She stood up now. “What do you mean? Literally, why the fuck are you even arguing with me right now? There’s really no reason for it. I know you don’t know how to handle your emotions and I know you see your parents pick fights over nothing but there’s no reason for you to do it with me.”

“I’m not arguing! I’m just saying, you were being selfish! And Violet…” his voice got softer. “Don’t you ever, ever compare me to my parents.”

“You’re the selfish one! It’s the one night I should feel beautiful, and I’m sorry if this dress doesn’t make me beautiful enough to be seen on your arm. Jeez, if this is how your dad treats your mom, it’s no wonder she’s leaving him.”

She started to walk away, but Jasper got up, caught her by the wrist, and spun her around.

“This isn’t about the fucking dress, Violet.”

“Oh yeah? Then what’s it about?”

The weirdest look came over his face: one of both fury and confusion, of hatred and defeat. It was a look that didn’t belong to the boy she loved, and yet Jasper was standing right in front of her. Violet’s world stopped. She knew what was coming next. She didn’t even flinch as his left hand met her face, but it still stung.

With wide eyes she backed away.

“Get out.”

MAY 2015

“Can you come over? Please, I need you right now.” Violet sounded distressed.

“What’s the matter?” There was silence on the other end of the line. He thought he could hear her crying quietly. “You’re scaring me, Violet. What’s wrong?”

“Jasper, just please come over.”

When he got there, Violet was on the bathroom floor, sobbing hysterically. Neither of her parents were home. There was blood all over one of her wrists and on the floor.

“Oh my god baby, what happened? Oh my god…” he grabbed a bath towel, sat down next to her and pressed the towel to her wrist. “Okay, okay it doesn’t look that deep. I don’t think you’re going to bleed out. You can’t bleed out on me, alright, let’s keep pressure on this. Okay, come here. Yeah, that’s it.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Jasper. Why am I like this?” Her crying didn’t slow. Instead, she worked herself further into hysterics. “I’ve been trying so hard to be better. I have everything I need. I have you…” she gasped for breath. “And I have a nice family and good friends and a bright future. There’s no reason to be like this.”

Jasper let her continue to cry. He didn’t say anything, and Violet appreciated that. There was nothing anyone could say to her to make this better. Her therapist had tried, her mom had tried, Jasper had tried. But she knew this wasn’t regular teenage sadness, it wasn’t the kind of feeling that could be extracted from her through conversation. This was something more.

“You have to believe that I don’t want to die. That’s not why I did this. I haven’t felt anything but… grey in a long time and I wanted to feel something, anything, and the only thing I could think of was pain. I’m human, look I’m human.”

“I can’t say that I understand,” Jasper said quietly. “I want to, but I don’t. How could you not feel anything? Not even for me? Violet, I love you.”

“I know. I love you too. I just… I don’t know.”

“Maybe it’s time to try that medication.”

She curled up in a ball and closed her eyes.

JUNE 2015

Violet grabbed the royal blue cap and gown from the right side of his car and threw them into the backseat before getting in. She’d been spending a lot of time in Jasper’s passenger seat again. She hated to admit it, but she needed him right now.

He laid a hand on her bony shoulder and pulled her body toward him. They began making out in the empty senior parking lot, the dusk wrapping around her as tightly as his hands, the green numbers on the dashboard becoming irrelevant as time slowed to a halt.

“Promise me we’ll stay together when we get to the city? Everyone breaks up in college, but we need each other. We need to make this work.”

“You know I can’t make that promise, Jasper.”

He started the car in silence.

AUGUST 2015

Violet’s uncle parked the van outside of the Beachcomber, a bar situated right on the edge of the sand dune that introduced the beach below. She’d sat outside many times before, waiting for her parents and their friends to come out and actually enjoy the beach with their kids. This little section of Massachusetts meant more to her than her entire home town. She’d been coming here since she was a kid, and this year she’d invited Jasper, against her dad’s wishes. She immediately regretted it. He changed the family dynamic. She had to spend time with him. She couldn’t make the same jokes with her cousins and she couldn’t just leave Jasper alone on the couch (although she often did). Cape Cod wasn’t Cape Cod with him around.

When the adults had piled out of the van excitedly, Jasper joined them. Violet didn’t consider herself an adult yet, so she lingered near the front of the van, watching the waves tumble below. They looked black now, unlike the deep blue she was so fond of in the daylight. But for the moment, the black was as comforting as the sound of the ocean breaking apart just to put itself back together again.

“Are you going to come in?” she heard him call from somewhere behind her.

The wind picked up. She smelled a storm.

“No, that’s alright. I need some air,” she responded without turning around. The music pulsed behind her like the heartbeat of an otherwise completely still night. Lightning struck somewhere over the ocean. It looked purple, she thought, or maybe she was just tired. “Woah,” she murmured, turning around to see if Jasper was as impressed as she was, but he was gone. She was alone again.

One strike turned into several as she watched the storm unfold over the sea. It made her feel powerful. She didn’t need him to stay. She sighed and lay completely across the hood of the car, floating in and out of consciousness.

The lightning slowed and so did her breathing. Jasper stumbled out of the Beachcomber and shook her gently. “Violet…are you awake?” She lay perfectly still. “No? Oh, what am I going to do with you…” He sat down on the van and pulled her head into his lap. With his hands in her hair, he sighed and said, “I love you, you know. I know it’s hard right now, but I love you.” She pretended she was asleep as lightning struck one last time.

SEPTEMBER 2016

The room was spinning and her throat burned with the taste of a liquid essentially foreign to her. Since the start of college nearly a week ago, she’d already gotten drunk three times, which was more than she had in her four years of high school combined.

She bit her lip and looked up at the very handsome boy who looked a little bit like Spiderman. Violet tried to remember how she ended up with him. He was way out of her league, and she had a boyfriend. It took quite a bit of effort to retrace her steps: he was in her orientation group, they exchanged numbers on the subway, he invited her out, they took shots in his room, he kissed her on his bed, he paid for her to get into the club.

The club. She was in a club. Another foreign thing that New York City had quickly introduced to her. But she didn’t mind. That was why she came here after all.

The room was still spinning, but now she was stationary as he pushed her up against the wall. His kiss was foreign too — she had only known one set of lips for the last two years — but my god, his kiss was refreshing. They danced and kissed some more and slid hands where maybe someone with a boyfriend shouldn’t slide hands, and she cherished every second of it.

Fuck it. I’m at a club in the greatest city in the world with a brain full of vodka and a beautiful boy who tastes like freedom.

And then she saw them. She only recognized them from Jasper’s Snapchat story, but her stomach dropped as she met eyes with one of his new best friends. Her anxiety kicked in as she went over to them, trying to act innocent and trying to get a read on whether or not they had caught a glimpse of her sin. Evidently, they had.

Where are you?

Violet

Violet what the fuck

My friends just texted me

They said you were kissing some boy

Violet answer me

What the fuck

I’m coming to your dorm

The room went from a merry-go-round to a tornado as she realized what she’d done. “Come on, we have to go,” she begged the Spiderman boy. Her phone continued to light up, but she couldn’t bring herself to look. As she approached the vaguely familiar red building she now called her home, she frantically told the boy and his friend to wait around the corner, in case things got bad. Jasper had a temper, and he had put his hands on her more than once.

The next thing she knew, she was standing on the corner outside her dorm, staring into the eyes of someone she thought she loved as his lips formed words that she couldn’t understand. She couldn’t process what he was saying, or what was happening, or why he was yelling. He shook her shoulders. She had no response. He continued to yell. He threw his bike.

“Hey buddy — hey, cut that out!” This voice was foreign to her, too. From around the corner came a girl, no taller than five-foot, and a guy, no smaller than six-foot-two.

“Is she drunk?” asked the girl.

“Yeah, I guess,” Jasper responded.

“Then I think you should just go home,” the guy said coldly.

“Fine,” Jasper said, picking up his bike and riding away without a second glance.

The girl grabbed Violet by the arm and started asking all sorts of questions. Most importantly though, she didn’t ask why Jasper was yelling. She didn’t care. “He shouldn’t have done that,” she said, and Violet hugged her as the girl put her number in Violet’s phone.

Violet ended up going home with the Spiderman boy, who had to argue with his roommate in order to let her sleep in his bed.

“She’s very drunk and very upset,” she heard him whisper in the kitchen.

“I just don’t feel comfortable with you having a girl sleep with you while I’m in the room.”

She dozed off, and woke to him climbing into bed. Evidently he had won the argument, so long as he promised that it wouldn’t happen again.

***

Later the next day, she decided that she wouldn’t have done anything differently. It was the first night she wasn’t tied down to a version of herself that she didn’t like. And when she closed her eyes, she could still taste the freedom on his lips.