love

it was a warm september night

the kind of night where it’s not still shorts weather, but you’d definitely be a little uncomfortable in a pair of black jeans

that being said, we were both wearing black jeans

i had just taken the train into the city, a 45 minute trip

i waited for you in grand central for 15 minutes

you were running late, as usual

i was leaning against a pillar, fiddling with my phone — not actually doing anything on it, just giving my hands something to do while i waited

you snuck up behind me and tousled my unruly hair, as you always did

we hugged, and you lingered a bit after we let go, smiling in a way i could only describe as just as endearing as it was smug

i was very clear about my feelings with you

you knew that i was hung up on a previous fling, but that wouldn’t stop you from asking “is this a date?” any time we spent an extended period of time together (which was often) (the answer was always no)

we would always get artichoke pizza — you would always offer to pay, and i usually said no. i said yes that night

for what reason, i’m still not sure

maybe it was ~love in the air~

maybe it was because i had no money in my bank account

we walked along the highline arm in arm remarking on all of the people we walked by

we knew our people watching was a shitty habit, but we also knew it was an inherent part of our friendship

we settled down on a patch of grass that was clearly labeled as off limits

you nuzzled up next to me and we just stared at the stars… and drank some cheap vodka

being the pretentious boy you were, you started quoting t.s. eliot

“Let us go then, you and I,

When the evening is spread out against the sky

Like a patient etherized upon a table;”

i never understood how i could love someone so much while also actively hating their pompous shows of knowledge

for most of the night we lay there in silence — enjoying the view, one of the last warm days of the year, and each other’s company

after a while you shifted your weight, i could see you looking at me in my periphery, i was still entranced by the beauty of the night sky

i turned to you and you tousled my hair again, as you always did

and you kissed me.

i pulled back and looked puzzled for a bit, you asked me if that was okay

i said yeah

you leaned in again

and i pulled back

i didn’t want to be an asshole

i never thought i was the kind of person who was allowed to be picky

and i loved you a lot and had tried to reciprocate your feelings

but regardless of how much i wanted to like you, there was never anything there

we lied back down on the grass, staring at the night sky again

after what seemed like millennia of awkward silence, you reached for my hand

i mocked you, repeating the prufrock line

we stayed there on the grass until someone yelled at us, saying we had to leave

you walked me back to the train station

i was anxiously lighting cigarettes with my catcher in the rye lighter

because no matter how much i hated it, i was just as pretentious as you were

i was worried that things would never be the same between us, and i wasn’t wrong

but

things were going to be okay.