Body image

The first time I stepped foot onto Duke’s campus, I thought I had stumbled upon a J. Crew photo shoot. Everyone seemed so stylish and fit, like they’d just come back from the gym or walked off the catwalk.

In the beginning of freshman year, I was 120 pounds. I gained the freshman 20 over the course of the year and lost it all over the summer. My weight more or less stayed the same throughout sophomore year — at around 130 pounds — and then junior year hit.

I stopped eating. My blood sugar was so low, I got dizzy and nearly fell when I got out of bed. My weight dropped back down to 120 within two weeks. I went out to eat with two friends and wound up regurgitating it all soon after, since my body wasn’t used to consuming so many calories.

I went home and allowed my parents to feed me. They made sure I didn’t skip any meals and that I could eat regularly again.

Fast forward to two years later. On antipsychotics and antidepressants, I cringed as my metabolism dropped and I gained a whopping fifty pounds. I slept 14–16 hours some days and found it hard to get out of bed.

Despite all these weight changes, one thing remained constant: I was unhappy with my body. Regardless of what weight I was at, I hated my body.

At a BMI of 26, I’m now at the border of becoming overweight. I’m 5’8” and 173 pounds, weighing far more than what most people guess when they see me.

I’ve come to hate my body even more.

I tried counting calories for a while. I’d stay away from fatty foods and carbs. I wouldn’t buy cake for myself after dinner like I used to. But still, somehow, I couldn’t lose weight.

I’ve tried thinking about how I’ve gotten curvier thanks to my weight gain. I’ve tried embracing the fact that gaining weight hadn’t changed my prospects for entering romantic relationships.

Nothing has really worked. I still balk at the sight of my reflection. I tug at the rolls of fat that gather by my waistline and wish they could be removed from my body.

So much of what society tells girls is that to be beautiful, you have to be model thin. Society tells us to value our worth based on our beauty and youth.

Just think: how often have you seen movies with male leads and female leads of a comparable age?

How often do you see male actors who are 50 and up with actresses who can be up to 20 or 30 years younger?

Why has society made it so that girls are looks conscious, that boys can point out girls and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 based solely on their looks alone?

The same goes for guys: how many men have felt pressured to go to the gym in order to feel like only by doing so would he become desirable? How often do we see actors with toned bodies: six packs and broad shoulders and massive muscles, without any sign of fat?

It’s not healthy to base your body image on what society’s standards are. I know things are changing and people are starting to value different body types as being attractive.

Personally, I’ve found that many of my friends and family struggle with body image. I’m too aware of the guilt and shame I experience when I indulge in sweets or late night tots runs.

I think it’ll be a lifelong process, really, for me to accept my body the way it is.

There is no easy answer to becoming more body positive over time.

But I think what has helped me the most is listening to this song:

https://youtu.be/GXoZLPSw8U8

I hope this song helps people, regardless of gender, come to love and accept their bodies over time.

Because some of the most beautiful people I’ve met shine through with their personality, with kind hearts and words of wisdom, with a fantastic sense of humor and undying loyalty. And what more could you ask from someone?

The process of learning to love your body is difficult. It won’t happen overnight. I know there are guys who think they’re too skinny or too fat or not bulked up enough. I know there are girls who think they don’t look presentable without makeup, without straightening their hair or making the effort to get themselves prettied up every day.

It’s true that appearances matter in today’s society. But it’s also true that inner beauty is what ultimately shines through. And most of the people I’m blessed to know are beautiful, inside and out.

So treat yourself kindly: you own your body. In the words of Dr. Seuss, when it comes to physical appearance: Those who care don’t matter, and those who don’t care matter. Don’t let yourself be defined by what others think of you.

You define you.