Dear Old Duke
If I had the chance to go back and do my Duke career differently, would I?
I think I would, with a resounding “Yes!”
Dinner with one of my friends today made me realize just how conflicted I felt about leaving Duke at the end of the year.
What would I have done differently?
1. Joined Alpha Phi Omega as soon as possible.
APO was by far one of the best decisions of my Duke career. To this day, it’s my way of meeting new people, of gaining a more diverse friend group, and of making sure that service continues to play an important role in my life. I remember joining for the service and staying for the friendship.
Considering how selective most social groups on campus are, APO was a refreshing meritocracy — you attend socials and service events and grab meals with pledges and brothers alike to get to know them better. Once you do enough of that, you’re in. I know people have criticized this process by saying it can feel “forced,” but you get out of it what you put into it, as with most things in life.
2. Gone into Durham more often.
Durham is fantastic. I think I would’ve started tutoring kids earlier on in my Duke career and found ways to be more involved with the city. Some of my most memorable moments were attending a neighborhood council meeting addressing food deserts and going to Urban Ministries (which I expanded on in another post about what I actually did at Duke).
3. Prioritized food and sleep above all else.
This is something I still struggle with to this day. But really — sleep is essential for having a healthy mind and body. The times I broke down most often happened when I didn’t get enough sleep. My mood swings were crazy when I was sleep-deprived, and I found life to be a hellish nightmare. Sleep is so, so important. And eating food gives you energy for the day.
4. Attended more speaker events.
Duke invites some of the brightest minds in the nation to speak passionately about various social issues. They provide some of the most in-depth perspectives on current events. The most memorable talk I attended was one where Ta-Nehisi Coates was invited to speak at Sanford. It was eye-opening, and I later read his book Between the World and Me, offering a lens into a world of experiences that I’ve had the privilege not to experience in person.
5. Talked to faculty and staff more frequently.
The faculty here are outstanding. Although some are criticized for their inability to teach, virtually all the professors and instructors I’ve had will go on and on about their fields of interest. Listening to them speak about what they’ve dedicated their life’s work to is often inspiring, and seeking their support in class has helped me feel more engaged.
Talking to staff members has been enlightening as well. Some of the friendliest people I know are those who are too often taken for granted or ignored. Sometimes, a simple “Hi” from them is able to transform a crappy morning into one that’s significantly more bearable.
6. Participated in fewer organizations.
Less is more. I stretched myself too thin in the beginning of my Duke career. If I had the chance to change things, I would’ve chosen to participate actively in only one or two organizations. Participating in everything paradoxically felt like I was accomplishing nothing.
7. Taken more P.E. classes and classes outside of my major
P.E. classes are great. They’re an easy way to stay active and try something you’ve never tried before. Some — like Self Defense for Women — can teach you valuable life skills that could help you years down the road.
I wish I’d explored more class-wise. The perks of having a liberal arts education is being able to understand reality from different perspectives. You come to understand the world differently and broaden your worldview.
8. Made more time for fewer people.
Quality over quantity. I remember frantically scheduling meals with multiple different people and spreading myself too thin socially as well. Having deeper, more intimate conversations with a select few that I trusted would have been so much better than trying to befriend virtually everyone.
9. Stayed in my comfort zone more often.
They say you should go out of your comfort zone: “Go against the grain.” But too much discomfort, I’ve found, can lead to feelings of isolation. You’re stuck trying to survive rather than thrive. Do the things that help you feel human — keep your hobbies. Make “me” time. It’s healthier than overextending yourself.
That said, you can also try something new for a change every now and then. For instance, I dabbled in public speaking (well, really, public crying) during the race forum a few years back, and public speaking used to scare the crap out of me. But I felt like people were more than willing to reach out and listen, and the responses I got from people were amazingly supportive.
10. Gotten lower grades and gained more experiences.
Grades: They’re often arbitrary and meaningless. You are more than the letters you receive in a class. When I got my first C, I realized it didn’t define me. I’m so much more than that. And even if I am average, being average at Duke is an accomplishment in my book.
I would’ve tried to gain more experience in panels and workshops. I would’ve tried to participate in spring or fall break programs. I would’ve participated in academic competitions and tried to do something innovative related to the entrepreneurship program, where you can seemingly exercise more creativity.
But you know what? I wouldn’t be who I am today if I’d done things differently. I’ve come a long way from freshman year and matured through all the struggles I’ve faced.
I no longer regret the decisions I made. My failures have made me stronger, and my struggles have improved my resilience.
That’s not to say it hasn’t been tough: it most definitely has.
But at the end of the day, I’ve learned that prioritizing my health isn’t a selfish act: it’s absolutely necessary. I’ve learned how boundless and unconditional platonic and familial love can be, stretching across both time and space.
I’ve learned not to give my 110%: that lends itself to causing burn-outs and overexhaustion. But I can still give my all, given the circumstances.
I’ve learned not to expect happiness as the status quo, as those are unrealistic expectations to hold. The truth is, some days just suck, and grabbing soup or going on walks or staying in bed is all you can do.
But most of all, I’ve learned to have more faith in myself. Because I’ve struggled so much, I know now that I can truly do what I set my mind to.
I’m no longer an excellent sheep. I’ve humbled myself and begun to celebrate successes more privately, without a need to seek affirmation online anymore.
I’m no superhuman with a sky-high GPA, five different commitments, and a perfect lifestyle.
I’m only human, with strengths and flaws like anyone else.
So dear old Duke, thank you.
For the good times and the bad.
Because I know I’m gonna miss the amazing people I’ve met here.
I wouldn’t give them up for anything else.
