I’ve reached an all-time low

What happened when I strove to improve my everyday life

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been suffering silently.

It hasn’t been as bad as it was in undergrad, but it’s starting to get there.

Waking up and getting out of bed is an almost insurmountable challenge. Showering, brushing my teeth, and changing out of my PJ’s is getting to be more difficult as well. Some days I don’t make it to work because of how bad my mental state is.

My relentless drive for self-improvement has left me broken and searching for answers.

I know my relationships with family and close friends are still there, but still I’m hit by a pang of loneliness. It feels like people can’t fully understand what I’m going through, and it’s difficult for me to reach out to people like I used to.

When I’m feeling down, I think I tend to kick myself with thoughts of the pain of losing friends along the road and feeling unworthy of love and affection.

I haven’t been planning as many hangouts as I used to with library people. It used to be about once a month, and now it’s stopped indefinitely. It feels like a lot of the friendliness I felt towards people was one-sided, and for 80% of my friendships, I have to be the one to initiate.

Even with therapy, I don’t feel like I can confide in my therapist. He doesn’t seem to understand me well, and he doesn’t act like he genuinely cares about my well-being. Our session today was ten minutes after I said there was nothing left to discuss.

I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to my psychiatrist either, since she would just change my medication somehow. I don’t know if this is more about lifestyle habits rather than chemical imbalances in my brain.

School updates

I drafted my first LibGuide from scratch and submitted it to my teacher. I got a 73. There’s an option for resubmission, but I’m not sure I can muster the energy to revise and improve it. I feel so ashamed of myself, considering I’d gotten mostly A’s and B’s throughout my schooling, including the semesters of library school that I’ve been through thus far.

I still have another major project for the same class due next Tuesday, and I’m dreading it because I don’t know how I’ll fill up the amount of time I’m supposed to be recording for.

I think the past few weeks have taken most of what little self-esteem I’d gained before and led me to a place where I feel isolated and unable to move forward. My dad was concerned and suggested I take a break from school for a semester to recover and re-energize myself.

I know this is temporary, but I’m in a relatively hopeless state now. I don’t know who to turn to or where to go.

The one thing I hope is that anyone who feels similarly can find solace knowing someone else out there is going through it, too.

It’s a struggle, and it’s real.

Maybe in the next few weeks, I can try again. But I’m so close to giving up on maintaining my health as it is. Happiness seems so elusive. I’m running on fumes, and I have a week left of school.

I’m praying this will all be over soon.