“To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before”

Sounded like something I’d write.

Oh wait.

I did.

I watched the show today. Seems like films with Asian American stars are on the rise lately. That’s promising, I guess.

The thing about most of my childhood is that I often felt like I was orbiting around people.

I faded into the background. I was a techie in other people’s lives. The spotlight was almost always on someone else.

I faded quietly away.

I didn’t feel like I really did anything to merit recognition.

Sure, I dedicated most of my time to studying and family instead of socializing with peers.

I had a place to sit at the cafeteria table: with my fellow studious friends. Nerds, really, who talked about TV shows and books and movies. None of us touched alcohol until college. Life was all about getting into college.

I guess I went the most “wild” out of my friends in college. I smoked a few times. Drank more times than I could count. Chased after boys and had a long series of luckless romances.

But I’m calling it quits to that life. I’m going back to being bookish. Socializing sometimes, only with the people who I really appreciate, whose company I find uplifting. Because nothing brings me down faster than friends who continually complain about trivial things: images. Reputations. Follower counts. Exes on social media.

Now don’t get me wrong. I like partying occasionally. I like drinking and having a good time. But all in moderation.

I went so, so hard after my breakup in 2015. Drank almost every day. Cried over heartbreak. Went to bars and into the arms of strangers to seek comfort.

But I’m done with that kind of glamorous lifestyle.

Life without drama is much easier. Sometimes, circumstances happen that make my day not as great as the one before, but I’ve learned to weather the storm.

Two more days til I see my therapist for the first time in a month.

Dear lord. A lot’s happened in a month.

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