A Therapist’s Love

By Katrina Taylor, LMFT-Associate. About a decade ago, after a few unsuccessful forays into therapy, I finally met a therapist I connected with — Linda. I saw Linda individually for about two years and then participated in a therapy group she facilitated for three more years. After the group therapy ended, I continued with my life and in many ways carried Linda forward with me. I internalized her words, wisdom, and kindness. And I felt guided by her, even in her absence.

A few years after our last contact, during a particularly difficult time in my life, I called Linda one evening. She answered. As we spoke, Linda could hear my son’s voice in the background. She asked if that was my son, referencing him by name. Astonished, I replied, “You remember his name? After all these years?” We scheduled an appointment to meet the following week.

Even before I followed Linda into the therapy room that day my eyes were welling up with tears. So much had happened in my life since we last met. As we sat and talked, I told Linda how significant and life-changing our work together had been. And as a result, I had gone back to school to also become a therapist. She expressed deep emotion at how much my words meant to her. I said, “What I really felt from you all those years was that you cared. What mattered to me was your caring for me.” She said, “Of course I care about you. I love you.” I cried. We both cried. Even now, thinking of that memory and typing these words has the power to bring me to tears.

Linda and I are no longer in a therapist-client relationship. Even before reaching out to her again, I had a sense that our time together had run its course. I needed that last session to honor our work and tell her how much she meant to me. In return I received a gift that stays with me to this day. It is the most powerful gift of all — a freely given expression of genuine caring and love.

The gift of caring is what I try to carry forward in my own work with clients. When clients walk into our therapy rooms they are frequently struggling with the ability to connect with others. They may feel anxious, depressed, or conflicted in their relationships. Yet underneath it all there is often a lack of love and caring, from others and from self.

Our education, training, and clinical experiences provide us with theories and interventions to help clients with various diagnoses and life difficulties. There is no doubt this knowledge is invaluable. Yet we already know how to give our clients the most important thing they need: our caring. We all have the capacity for love in the therapeutic relationship. When I changed my life to become a therapist I gained much more than clinical knowledge. I’ve learned that this work is about feeling love and caring for my clients, especially the parts of them that feel unlovable. When I can show acceptance for all my clients’ experiences they can also begin to accept and love these parts of themselves.

I recently experienced a moving therapeutic moment. One of my clients was describing an unwanted behavior she struggles with. She wants to change her behavior but is having difficulty doing so. The client related her behaviors to me, with an almost apologetic stance of having failed in her struggle. There was a pause of her waiting for me to speak, a pause in which I could have offered some ideas for what to do. Instead I took a moment to connect with myself and with her and said, “I accept you just the way you are.” Her eyes welled up with tears and she said, “Thank you.”