Letting Go

By Eric Denner, LMFT, LCDC. My meditation today led me to the thought — in between focusing on my breath — that for me, letting go is (or can be) letting go of the next moment. Focus on my breathing. “I am breathing in…I am breathing out.”

I recently came upon Andrew Weill’s Breath Relaxation Exercise, “4–7–8.” These are the steps:

• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.
• Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of 4.
• Hold your breath for a count of 7.
• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of 8.
• This is all one breath. Breathe in to the count of 4, hold for 7, breathe out 8. Inhale again and repeat the cycle more times for a total of four breaths. “The absolute time you spend on each phase is not important,” Weill says, “the ratio of 4:7:8 is what’s important.”

When practicing this exercise, Weill instructs beginners, sit with your back straight. Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge of tissue just behind your upper front teeth, and keep it there through the entire exercise. Exhale through your mouth around your tongue. Try pursing your lips slightly if this seems awkward.

This exercise is a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system. And it gives my errant, distractible mind something more disciplined to focus on than simply breathing in and out. Practice it at least twice a day. Do it whenever anything upsetting happens, before you react. Do it whenever you are aware of internal tension. Do it to help you fall asleep. You cannot do it too frequently. Weill recommends that you not try more than four breaths at one time for the first month of practice. Later, if you wish, you can extend it to eight breaths. If you feel a little light-headed when you first breathe this way, do not be concerned. It will pass.

So, getting back to the present moment…where was I? Ah…letting go of the next moment. That means that if I am feeling good, happy, healthy in this moment, I don’t have to worry and wait for the other shoe to drop in the next moment — as I have done my entire life.

Instead, I can take this moment and my joy in being alive and breathing and experiencing and sensing and feeling for all that it is in this moment. That’s kind of a relief. This is all there is. This is all I have. Right now. And not only is it enough, it is wonderful. And it’s all we’ve got. Right now. This millisecond, second, minute, hour, day, etc. We can’t change the past, so regretting or ruminating on it is a waste of time. (We can take action and make amends or reparation, however, if we have caused someone, including ourselves, harm.) We can affect the future only by our actions, thoughts, and feelings in the present. Not worrying about the next moment is a great relief.

It does require trust, or faith, or belief that the universe is ultimately a safe and benevolent place and that our needs will be met and we will be taken care of. This belief contradicts many of our experiences in the world, often beginning as early as birth and before. This is where we, as therapists, can change the world, one person at a time: by either restoring or instilling for the first time, through our safe and caring connection to our patients, the feelings of secure attachment that were lacking in our relationships with our caregivers.

So trust the universe, your therapist, yourself, your support system. Reach out, offer support, take care of yourself, connect with yourself, with others, with the universe. Be here now (Ram Dass). Don’t worry, be happy (Meir Baba, Bobby McFerrin). What, me worry? (Alfred E. Newman, Mad Magazine). Breathe.

Eric Denner is a licensed marriage & family therapist and chemical dependency counselor in private practice in Austin, Texas. Eric has been a chemical dependency counselor since 1994 and a marriage and family therapist since 2001. He received a master’s degree in social clinical psychology from New College of California in 1999, a master’s in business administration from San Francisco State University in 1988, and a bachelor’s degree in psychology from UCLA in 1970. Eric has served as treasurer of the Austin chapter of the Texas Association of Marriage & Family Therapists (TAMFT) and as president of the Austin chapter of the Texas Association of Addiction Professionals (TAMFT). Eric is currently treasurer of the state TAAP. His specialties are addictions and family therapy.

Eric Denner, LMFT, LCDC passed away on January 2018 in Austin, Texas. His thoughtful presence and contributions will be missed.

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