People Stories

By Lee T. Edwards, PhD. From time to time between therapy appointments I have jotted down some reflections (in the form of “short stories”) on the many forms and manifestations of human suffering I have encountered in my work as therapist. It is impressive, sometimes jarring, almost always touching, to encounter the human experience so intimately, with so much vulnerability, and to be invited into the process of knowing, healing and growing. Each individual, and each individual life, is comprised of a set of unique qualities, but some forms of suffering are not so unique, some stories are in fact shared with others. What follows is a selection of vignettes, none specific to a particular person but all reflective of real experiences, that illustrates some shared themes. My intent, initially a private one, was to help me “see” so that others might feel “seen.” That intent is based on the belief that to be seen, understood, and accepted is essential for healing in the therapy process. I suppose most stories are intended to illustrate something about the human experience. Sharing a personal narrative with another is one of the most vital ways of engaging that experience.

Muddled

Just how long the thick feeling in his head had been there he could not recall. But it was becoming far too familiar and it was a growing source of frustration. So much seemed mentally inaccessible. There were glimmers of clarity but they were fleeting. And he tried so hard to push through the fog that he usually just added to his anxiety and frustration. It wasn’t really a disability. And no one really knew. But he was still embarrassed.

The Bother

The waitress asked if he wanted more coffee. It took him a moment to consider. She looked impatient. He flushed and said he would like more, if it wasn’t too much trouble. She poured him a cup of decaf. He had been drinking regular but didn’t want to bother her. Actually, he did not want to see her being bothered. That was the worst of it. The look. It seemed lately that he was a constant source of frustration to others. He could see it in their eyes. And that’s when he felt like an outcast. That knot in the gut feeling you get when someone you love leaves you in anger. Or simply leaves you. Because you are you. The waitress ignored him after that. He left her a big tip.

Bluff

He never got it right on the first try. Standing in front of the mirror. Tying his tie. It didn’t really bother him, though. Not much did, he thought. He loved his confidence. His assurance. His resolve. It was intoxicating. The feeling of being right. He was one of the good guys and no one could take that from him. It was his party and he was in charge. He was untouchable. Once he might even have been a hero. He loved to pretend. His wife finally came to tie it for him. He smirked and patted her on the bottom.

Make it Stop

I’ll stop tomorrow, she thought. And then she dragged the razor across her thigh. The relief was immediate. She stared at the fresh wound. One of many. The blood trickled and she noticed that her heart was no longer pounding. Sometimes she cleaned the wound quickly. Sometimes she sat quietly waiting for the blood to clot. Once she tasted it. She woke later and looked in the mirror. Her heart pounded. And she cried. She hated herself, again.

Trapped

The bastard. Her contempt for him welled up when he walked through the door. He was so cool, unaffected. She hated him. She hated him for being there. Though yesterday she hated him for being gone. On the couch, arms and legs crossed, she sat seething with disappointment, frustration, powerlessness, and contempt. Contempt for him and for herself. They were at an impasse. Had been for years. He wouldn’t leave. And for that she hated him even more. I need to leave him, she thought. Her rage dissipated and the tears came when she recalled having the same thought on her wedding day.

Unacceptable

Terrified. The thought of leaving was agonizing. Still she could not acknowledge openly, without her guard up, that she needed him. She rolled her eyes at any suggestion of needing, scoffed at the thought, disparaged the notion. Closeness was disgusting to her. She longed to slam the door in the face of her unacceptable neediness. In other moments she lamented the depth of her need and felt certain that she would burden others, disgust them, provoke her own abandonment. But still she did not need. As the time approached for her departure her terror mounted. The panic was overwhelming.

Lee Edwards, PhD is a licensed Psychologist providing individual therapy for adults and older adolescents in Austin, Texas. With over twenty-five years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Edwards has worked with a wide range of problems and concerns, including chronic and acute mental health issues.

Lee T. Edwards, PhD, Licensed Psychologist, 4103 Marathon Blvd., Ste. 100B, Austin, TX 78756, Phone: 512.458–9787. Website: ledwardsphd.com

If you enjoyed this post, you can find similar writing at Therapy Matters. Please share our post or click on the green heart below to recommend it to others. To receive future posts, ‘follow’ us on Medium. Thanks for joining us!

©Copyright 2015 Therapy Matters