Self-Acceptance before Self-Improvement: The Missing Step
We live in a fix-it world that is eager to help us identify our flaws and promises deceptively easy solutions. “I’m too isolated.” Reach out! “I need to exercise more.” Go to the gym! “I have to make a budget.” Get a calculator!
And so we list our fails — and our re-fails. And then (bless our hearts), we set out to try once more. And try we do, and fail we do — again.
A vital step is missing.
Before you pinpoint what’s wrong with you (an easy task for most people), try simply sitting with yourself and going beyond your awareness of what needs to change.
Pinpoint exactly where you’re at, emotionally, physically, mentally and, if you wish, spiritually. Then go down every item on your list of flaws. Breathe the flaw in and then out — and just accept it. No judgements. Just truth.
If this idea makes you slightly squeamish or uncomfortable, that’s normal. It’s hard and painful work. The idea of looking simply taking stock of who you are and where you’re at goes against the cultural and social imperative to take action the moment you become aware of a flaw.
The problem is that awareness isn’t enough. For example, you can be aware that you’re drinking, too much. You can “cut down” for a while based on this awareness. But chances are, sooner or later, you will be unable to resist the gravitational pull of your neighborhood bar.
Or you can be aware that your ex is no good for you. You can block her on all your social media. But chances are, sooner or later, you will be texting her on some lame pretext like running into a mutual friend or hearing an old song you both liked.
Awareness is not enough to guarantee lasting change.
The first and only step towards lasting change — and even transformation — is acceptance. And it starts with you, with self-acceptance. Not just acceptance of a troubling behavior, but of yourself, all of you. It’s not easy.
Initially when you attempt self-acceptance, expect to feel great resistance. You may feel overwhelmed and flooded with shame and then anger and then more shame.
You may want to avoid the pain by — taking action! Without self-acceptance that action will be fated to fail.
And here’s one of the hardest and most necessary parts of practicing self-acceptance: You have to learn to give yourself the unconditional love and compassion that you would give a dear friend or family member.
Not pity, not a pass. It’s hard work, acceptance. Unless you can turn and face your demons, face yourself, acknowledge that you are suffering and embrace the very parts of yourself that you like least, you can’t take lasting action towards self-improvement.
Sometimes finding the courage to accept yourself takes joining a 12-step or other addiction recovery program, seeing a therapist or just reconnecting with good people, people who will support you to draw back the fog of shame and regret to reveal a clearing and a new beginning that will yield lasting change. (It can take a village to raise an inner child — or adolescent.)
“Self-acceptance before self-improvement.” What a concept!
Self-acceptance — the most difficult thing that you may ever do, and the greatest gift that you’ll ever give yourself.
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