Magical Thinking: Legions

Welcome back to Magical Thinking, a look at the cards and art of Magic: the Gathering, set by set, from the beginning. All through the eyes of a casual fan. This week we look at the second expansion from the Onslaught block, Legions.

Released in February of 2003, Legions continues the story of Kamahl, who has joined forces with the Cabal to stop the encroachment of Akroma, who continues her crusade against the Cabal. Meanwhile the mad scientists of the Riptide Project have resurrected the Slivers, last seen in the Weatherlight saga, so now we have Slivers creeping around again. Will Akroma be stopped? Or will a new threat rise to menace Dominaria? Well it’s only part two of the block so I’m betting the latter.

And here she is, probably one of the most powerful creatures Magic had made at the time. Look at all those keywords. LOOK AT THEM. Who could possibly stand up to all those keywords. Ixidor really broke the bank when he made her (Of course he based her off his dead girlfriend, so extra helping of creepy there).

Ixidor may be dead, but the morph mechanic lives on. I was informed after last week’s article that I was correct, the weird spider things that things morph out of are the creations of Ixidor that his creations hatch out of. Of course that begs the question of why Akroma isn’t a morph creature. Also, still not a fan of that wicker armor.

Um, what happened to your mouth there, buddy? Amplify is a new mechanic introduced here in Legions. It’s basically what you see here. You reveal cards from your hand and buff the creature. I think Amplify only ever showed up in this set, and I can’t even find it on the storm scale. This is the keyword Wizards forgot.

And we got slivers,people. And a pretty good one to start off with. I can’t tell if it has one arm or no head. Weird.

Here is another new mechanic. Provoke. Basically you can use it to make your opponents take unfavorable trades. This ability is on the storm scale at a 9, so don’t expect to see it again any time soon. Easy to see why because it’s a pretty broken ability.

There’s a “Donald Trump will soon be gone” joke in here somewhere, but for the life of me I can’t articulate it. Sorry folks.

Well we didn’t waste any time making sure the Riptide wizards got their comeuppance for unleashing the Slivers again. I mean, you could have had some buildup. I know it’s the B plot but come on.

Red Lobsters in Dominaria are very dangerous places. The Shellfish allergies would be the least of your worries dealing with that bad boy.

I really like this card. As you all know, I am a huge mark for mill, and a card that punishes opponents for having big hands is a big win for me (Especially since I tend to get to topdeck mode pretty quickly, even with a mill deck).

I have vague memories of this card from my college days. I think the guy who ran the Scalplexis deck used them, and they were very annoying. Also, what is he doing to that guy? His head is in a bubble but his eyes are bugging out. Creepy.

Hey buddy, you wanna buy some profound mystical truths? First one’s free. Are we suddenly in that one season of Buffy that treated magic like crack?

And here we have the king of the mistforms, with the prototype ability that would eventually become changeling. I bring this up because the Kaldheim previews started last week and it looks like Changeling and shapeshifters are making a big comeback. So thank you Mistform Ultimus, you crawled so others could walk.

It’s weird that it took us this long to get flying monkeys in Magic. We got flying hippos before we got flying monkeys.

This looks like it would make an awesome water park if we’re being honest. I think Ixidor went into the wrong business. Think about it: Come to Ixidor Land! Ride the Wall of Deceit water slide! get your picture taken with Akroma, Angel of Wrath! swim with the Mistform Ultimus! Ixidor Land, the happiest place on Dominaria.

On the rpg.net message board (where I am a regular) there is a term for very depressing stories. It’s called the Black Bug Room. It’s a reference to an X-Men comic, but if I had a black bug room, this is what would be in it. Because that is a black bug if ever I saw one.

Behold! My newest invention: the zombie magnet. It attracts every zombie in a fifty mile radius and then OHGODNO. Also, I would question the wisdom of letting a zombie practice wizardry, but apparently this is what would become the creature type for Liches in Magic so lets go with it.

Ewww, maybe they should invest in Mop and Bucket Dead to go along with him, am I right?

The Gempalm are a series of cycling creatures which have different effects based on what tribe they represent and how many creatures in that tribe when you cycle them. I’m using Polluter to represent them on the whole because he’s the best and because I’ve actually used him in a deck in Arena. He also represents zombies, which are one of my favorite Magic tribes. He’s a super powerful finisher if you have a lot of zombies out, and since it’s a cycle effect your opponent can’t counter it easily.

We haven’t seen Specters in a good long while. Magic specters are basically the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings when they traded up to those big flying beasts near the end of the story. Eventually we will meet the Archons, who are the opposite of the Specters, but that won’t be for a long time.

And here we are, one of the hardest commanders to play ever (Since your command zone doesn’t count as your hand so if you just play them from the command zone you lose). I used to have a copy of this card but lost it at some point, which is a shame because I love me some Phage. She’s literally the ultimate killing machine. She kills you, she kills your opponent, she kills anything that touches her. So of course the novel ends with Kamahl killing her (again) and her and Akroma and another lady Zagorka merging together into a false God. Oops.

Aren’t all Slivers already kind of sharp and pointy? I mean, it’s kind of their thing.

Yep, that ol’ Mirari is still making trouble it seems. Again, there is a cycle of these guys, a mutant of each color and tribe, which does something cool for eight mana, but I personally like this one the best. And again I use this one in my IRL Goblin deck.

Oh, those Goblins! They’re so wacky and destructive. I really dig the flavor where this assassin is just randomly killing targets (via sacrifice) until they get the right one. If it works it works, right?

LAST TIME ON DRAGONBALL Z! GOKU AND VEGETA’S GAME OF MAGIC: THE GATHERING TOOK A WILD TURN WHEN GOKU THREW DOWN THE GOBLIN DYNAMO. NOW HE’S CHARGING UP FOR AN ALL OUT ATTACK. WILL VEGETA COUNTER IT IN TIME? FIND OUT TODAY ON DRAGONBALL Z!

That was for everyone who watched Toonami as a kid. You’re welcome.

Hey, it’s another Amplify card. And this time it’s a much bigger one. Also, that’s a weird name. Kilnmouth. So does that mean it glazes pottery when it’s not laying waste to the battlefield. Man, imagine the planeswalker who summons one of these things just to help out their pottery class. That would be badass.

Look! It’s a mechanic introduced in this set that wasn’t immediately discarded. Double Strike is now an evergreen mechanic and it shows up everywhere, as rightly it should because it’s great. Amplify and Provoke were both wet thuds but this one knocked it out of the park. I tip my hat to you, Double Strike.

I like this card, and its flavor. It demonstrates a natural progression: Ixidor is gone, but he left behind a ton of morphs, so it stands to reason some wizards would figure out how to exploit them.

Heh. I know I said I wasn’t a fan of Morph before, but this one might win me over. Everyone has a plan until a goblin pops out of a clay spider.

This whole sliver subplot is like if you crossed Jurassic Park with Alien. Two bad ideas that go apocalyptically together. I mean, the last time we had something like this it was when they invented Thrulls on Sarpadia, and we all know how that ended.

You shall stand and be judged by the Bear Council for the crime of hanging food from trees. Repent your sins (And hand over your picnic baskets).

Wow, Amplify AND Provoke. Want to maybe throw Bands on there as well as long as we’re shoveling flash-in-the-pan mechanics on this poor thing.

Imagine having that pop out of your clay spider. Those things are like Kinder eggs only they can kill you.

You know, with all the people exploiting those little morph spiders, it’s nice to see someone is stepping up to protect them.

Well that’s fine. I’m pretty sure Dominaria averages like one apocalypse a century.

And here we have the latest entry of “creatures shown on a Magic card that aren’t actually creatures”, this time featuring Fat Pig Thing and Blue Bunny. I’m pretty sure that blue thing is the “baby” from Eraserhead all grown up.

And with that pleasant thought I think it’s time we bring this to a close. That’s right, no artifacts, no multicolor cards, no land. Just five colors. In any case, join us next time when we finish off the Onslaught block with the final expansion: Scourge. See you then, stay Magical, and happy holidays!