Choose Your Own Anxiety!
A weird part of anxiety is the inherent narcissism involved. But also that narcissism is mixed with feelings of utter loneliness and worthlessness to concoct what I can only describe as Shit Soup, with a pinch of What-The-Fuck-Is-Happening?
When anxious thoughts kick in, you live in a strange mindset that every single one of your friends and family are thinking about you at all times, and that they notice everything you say and do. That’s generally not what happening. Unless you’re Beyonce. If you’re Beyonce everyone is probably thinking about you all the time. Praying for Beyonce not to have anxiety. #PrayForBey
Do you remember those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books? Where if you want to go down the deep, dark forrest path you turn to one page, and if you want to go to the craggy mountains you turn to another? This is going to be like that except with (maybe) less goblins. Enjoy…?
SCENARIO 1
You’ve been excited about going to a friend’s party for a while. But when the day of the party arrives, SURPRISE! Anxiety. Happy go-fuck-yourself to you!
Cut forward to people asking if you want to meet up to pre-drink before the party. Here are a few — but not all — of the thoughts that will cross your mind:
“Why are they asking? Do they know that I don’t want to go?”
“Are they asking to make sure I come out?”
“Am I so flakey that I need a chaperone?”
“Are they in trouble? Do they need to talk before they go out? Oh god am I a horrible friend?”
“If I say I’m not going, they’ll hate me.”
“What if they’re so worried about me they don’t go to the party?”
“The party will be ruined because people will be worrying about me.”
And so on, and so forth. And the worst part is that what happens is always the same. If you take a deep breath and finally press send on the message that says simply “I don’t think I’m going tonight. Having a bad anxiety day.” the reply 99 times out of 100 will be “Im sorry to hear that! Let me know if there’s anything I can do x”.
So that’s that. You don’t have to go to the party, and people want you to know that they will be there for you. All is good.
SURPRISE! NO IT’S NOT! NO REST FOR THE ANXIOUS!
Time to go to Scenario 2. There is no choice here, loser.
SCENARIO 2
So you don’t have to go to the party. You get a few moments of peace, knowing that you are free of obligation. Buuuut then your dumb anxiety brain chips in.
Your thought process contains — but is not limited to — the following:
“If I don’t go people will notice.”
“People will wonder why I’m not there.”
“They’ll think I hate them.”
“They’ll ask people why I’m not there and then they’ll find out I’m anxious.”
“They won’t invite me back to things.”
“They might not understand and drunk-dial me asking me to come out.”
“Or come around and knock on my door and get me to come out.”
“They’ll see I’m a wreck.”
“They’ll never be friends with me and I’ll die alone.”
“I kind of deserve to die alone anyway.”
Again the narcissism is there. Fact is, probably none of these things will happen. You are not the only thing on everyone’s mind. But in your head, it’s impossible not to assume that you are.
Sooo, with your entire friendship and future apparently hanging on this one party, what are you going to do?
Jump to Scenario 3 to go to the party anyway because you don’t want to disappoint all your friends.
Or go to Scenario 4 to stay home and try to free your mind, even though the silence is quickly driving you insan-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DRIPPING NOISE!?
SCENARIO 3
You’re going to go to the party. That’s a really fucking dumb idea, you know that, right? You know you can’t cope. It’s not going to turn out well. You’re doing it anyway? Fine, asshole. Enjoy having an existential crisis every ten minutes.
You’re at the party and immediately it’s overwhelming. Even if it’s a small party, there’s too many people. So SO many people. Do you even know this many people? Who’s that? What are their opinions of you? Oh god, they probably hate you already. (Note the narcissism.)
Alcohol, though! There’s alcohol! That can help this crippling anxiousness.
Jump to Scenario 5 to drink. It’s high risk-high reward. It will either make you feel better for the night or make everything 100x worse.
Go to Scenario 6 to stay sober, even though everything is the worst and you can barely breathe.
SCENARIO 4
You’re staying home! Good. You need some time to think, sort yourself out, and watch some dumb videos on Youtube to forget your crazy mind.
Good news! It works for about 3 minutes.
Then your brain is whirring again.
“People are at the party now.”
“They won’t notice I’m not there just yet.”
“Maybe they’ll never notice.”
“What if they never notice?”
Go to Scenario 7 if you think they will notice (Narcissism route.)
Go to Scenario 8 if you think they won’t (Useless trash route.)
SCENARIO 5
Drink! Drink! Drink! Flip a coin. Right now.
If Heads, go to Scenario 9 because freedom is a farce.
If Tails, go to Scenario 10 because fate is a bitch.
SCENARIO 6
Sober. Stay sober… Sober. Sober. Sober.
Your brain is still working at a million miles per hour. Every time there’s silence you fill it with useless jabbering. You can feel yourself annoying everyone around you, regardless of whether you actually are or not. Every story you tell is annoying, boring, or gets a laugh that you are 100% sure is pity.
Your want to leave so badly. So so badly. But you know what people will say. People will ask you why you’re going, and after you leave they’ll talk about how much of a goddamn mess you are.
Go to Scenario 10 to stay in this hellscape where everyone hates you.
Go to Scenario 11 to leave this hellscape and ensure everyone will hate you.
SCENARIO 7
Well done, narcissism has taken over and you are convinced every single person knows you’re not there and is talking about why.
These are the things they are 100% definitely, absolutely, positively, undoubtedly saying about you:
“They’re not here? Again? Jesus, why do we even bother inviting them?”
“Why do they hate me? Fine. I hate them too.”
“Is it their brain again? Sure. Right. It’s just an excuse. Lazy asshole.”
“Lets call them and get them to come out!”
“They’re crazy! Like actually mentally insane! Probably dangerous as well.”
“Remember that thing they did when they were ten? I don’t know how we know about that but we do and it’s still embarrassing and we’re all going to laugh about it together and make fun of them. Dumb ten year old! Hahaha!”
Go to Scenario 11
SCENARIO 8
Of course they’re not thinking of you! Congrats! You beat the narcissism!
Why would they think about you. You’re trash and no one would ever think about you.
In fact, you’re so useless and unremarkable people probably wouldn’t notice if you never went to anything ever again. No one would notice if you were dead. The smell from your room, or the lack of rent payment would be their only clues that something was amiss.
Huh… Maybe you’re just annoying people by continuing to exist, in the same way that people would want a really high, annoying chirping noise to go away…
…huh…
Go to Scenario 11
SCENARIO 9
With pure luck and chance, the alcohol works its dumb magic. You forget yourself. Your mind clears. No longer are you worried about what everyone is saying. It’s finally…fine…
It’s a good night. You enjoy yourself and do some stupid shit. You forget that you thought that everyone hated you.
Its only the next morning when you wake up with a hangover and remember the night before that your brain starts working again… Oh god…
Go to Scenario 11
SCENARIO 10
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Everyone you see is probably talking about you. Someone glances at you across the room then keeps talking to their friend. What have they heard? Why do they hate you automatically? What have you done to them? Why do you think they’re talking about you? Narcissistic asshole. No one cares. But what if they ARE talking about you?
Your heart is racing and you run to the bathroom to have a power-cry. You are struggling to breathe when someone knocks on the door, asking if you’re going to be done soon. You swallow the lump in your throat and say yes, making a big show of running the water like you’re washing your hands. Your eyes are red.
You nearly run out of the bathroom with your head down, bumping into people on your way to the door, ignoring people calling your name after you. You leave.
Go to Scenario 11
SCENARIO 11
You’re home. You’re home and in bed. You’re home and in bed and you can’t stop your brain. It’s telling you all of the things you’ve done and all the things you’ve not done are useless. You’re useless. You don’t know if people will miss you when you’re gone or not, but sometimes it just doesn’t matter.
END
………well wasn’t that a riot?
I guess this had two points to it. One that narcissism is a weirdly large part of anxiety. It’s what keeps you doing things, or stops you doing things, and when you consider your narcissism it makes the anxiety even worse.
The second point seems to be that, at times, anxiety is inescapable. Sometimes there’s no fixing it. Sometimes you just have to give in to the anxiety and let it own you for a while.
But it’s not like that every day. One day you will wake up and roll your eyes at your anxiety. You’ll tell it that you are loved, and that you are treasured, and that you are worthwhile.
Because it’s true. Every one. Every single person is worthwhile. Even if you can’t see it now. You will. You will see how much you are loved, and how much you deserve to be loved.
Stay strong.
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Originally published at moreimpossiblegirl.wordpress.com on February 10, 2016.
