Recent Adventures in Anxiety
Welcome! It’s time to explore My Adventures In Anxiety from this past week. Let’s get this party started.
I like to call times like this “blips”. It sounds a lot cuter than “days where I seem unhinged and possibly want to kill myself.” See? Cuter by a long shot.
This most recent blip has been one of the worse ones. I would say that it’s only got to this level two or three other times. Look at me, breaking personal records all over the place. Y’all get on my level.
Except don’t. Like try not to do that. That would suck.
Anywho, stress from multiple sources kind of built up inside me. These days I’m a lot better at talking to people about things that are bothering me, which helps stave off the anxiety. It’s like a big ol’ balloon. Stress keeps filling it up and getting me all big and balloony. Talking to my friends is like letting the air out of the balloon gradually, making hilarious fart sounds along the way. But when I don’t let it out, that bitch is gonna pop and POW! anxiety.
Only times like now it’s less like the balloon popped, and more like it popped around a lion, startling it and causing it to go on a murderous rage, tearing the balloon to tiny little pieces until there’s nothing left and it’s just little balloon confetti bits.
…balloons aside, this was a nice little distraction before saying that I was going to kill myself last night.
I don’t want to go into too much detail, but, obviously, that didn’t happen. In a spur of anxiety-laden logic, I realised that if I wanted people to get into my laptop to see the note I had written up for them saying my goodbyes, they would need my password. So, by sending my password to two friends that I knew were far away and couldn’t show up, I had bought myself more time in the world.
In a panic, one of my friends forced another to come and get into my house no matter what it took, which was a good shout on their part though it didn’t seem like it at the time.
I also can’t ignore my wonderful room mate, who had heard my anxiety sobbing and knew I wasn’t doing too well. She knocked on the door to my room to check up on me and found that I wasn’t there. Which is when she checked the kitchen, where I was. This isn’t her first day at the rodeo with mental breakdowns, and she was a real saint. She didn’t push, or force my hand in any way. She sat outside of the door like I asked, calmly talking, never asking anything of me.
Honestly, I can hardly remember what she was saying. All I know is that it was a strange kind of soothing. I wasn’t being told I was doing a bad thing. I was just aware that there was someone there for me.
One of the most haunting things about deciding not to end your life, is that you never do it for yourself. I’ve never backed away from the knife thinking “wow, that was weird! I like life again, life is awesome.” It’s more along the lines of “it would really suck for other people if they had to deal with my dead body.”
I think that’s one of the scariest things to think about in hindsight. Even now, while I’m not feeling as bad as I did yesterday, I don’t necessarily want to be alive. But the urge to die currently doesn’t outweigh the inconvenience it would cause my loved ones for me to die. This sounds bleak, because it is. But at times like this, it’s the only thing that keeps me around, so it’ll have to do.
I have wonderful friends. A wonderful family. I have hobbies and interests that keep me happy. I have things to look forward to in life. These are things I need to remember daily. And when this blip is over, I’ll start to like myself again, and like my life again. It’ll take a while, but I’ll get there.
My balloon was popped. It was shredded. But I’ve got a buttload of tape…I’ll manage to fix it somehow.
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Originally published at moreimpossiblegirl.wordpress.com on October 2, 2015.
