The Mantra

There’s a mantra going through my head right now; “get water, get tea, don’t get a knife.”

I’ve been doing well lately. Really well, to be honest. Just the other week I had to write another piece about mental health to read out at an event, and I found myself laughing at the fact that I was getting frustrated because I was just too damn happy to write about negative feelings.

At a time I should be freaking out — leaving uni, leaving the school system, leaving everything I know — I’ve been on top of the freaking world!

But I’ve landed back here. Because I always end up back here. Back in my bed, willing myself to “get water, get tea, don’t get a knife.”

I laid in my bed for an hour in silence, staring up at the walls and not really seeing anything. My brain seemed to finally cotton on to the fact that this is a big, scary, transitional part of my life and maybe I should be freaking out. So about a months worth of worries came crashing in all at once. It’s overwhelming. I can practically hear all of the thoughts screaming, trying to be louder than each other to get my attention. All of them need to be addressed now and not one can be left behind.

After being mentally beaten up for an hour, a single thought cut through all of them, letting my brain fall into silence for a brief moment of peace. It was blissfully quiet other than the one word.

Knife.

That got my attention. Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that I was having a “blip”. There was so much going on in my head that I didn’t even register that it was anxiety rearing up again. I didn’t have time to think about trivial things like my mental wellbeing when there was so much else to obsess over.

It was one of those moments that… wow I can’t believe I’m about to write this because it’s such a shitty cliche writers ploy… but here goes… It was one of those moments that balanced on a knife’s edge.

Gross. I feel dirty.

Anyway. There were two outcomes; if I spent even one more second lying down, I know my brain would have obsessed over the possibility of ending all of the screaming, stresses and obligations forever.

But instead I managed to sit up and replace the one word in my head. Replace all of the words, really with my little mantra. “Get water, get tea, don’t get a knife.”

I generally needed water. My mouth was like the Sahara fucking desert. I was probably doing that thing where I suck on my tongue when I get anxious. I needed tea because I’ve got that typically British Pavlovian response that says that if you have tea, everything will be alright.

“Get tea, get water…”

Obviously I was going to have to go into the kitchen. Whichever way my brain had gone in that moment, I would have gone into the kitchen. So it was more about the follow through than anything else.

I had to whisper it to myself the whole time I was in there; measuring my breaths and keeping my eyes firmly on the kettle.

I made my tea and all but ran back to my room. Then I started writing. It’s not so difficult when I’ve actually got things I need to get off my chest! Though I don’t really know what to do after I stop writing… Which will actually be pretty soon I guess as I don’t really have much else to say…

Flibble wibble dip dop. Scallywag. Button. Alabaster. Shoehorn. Pegasus. Birch sandals. Greetings card. Smoothie maker…

…Okay random words aren’t as helpful apparently. It was worth a shot though.

It’s strange to never really know what’s going to help you out in times like this. You would think after so many years that I would have understood how my brain works and how to calm it down. But honestly I’m just figuring it all out as I go.

Strangely enough, that’s a calming thought. That maybe I don’t have to have it all figured out right now, but I know I’m better at handling myself now than I used to be. I worked out the destructive thoughts in time, I got a game plan, and I actually followed through.

I can still feel the millions of thoughts trying to push themselves into my head, but right now I’m just…pushing through it. They seem a bit quieter now at least.

Hell, maybe I’ve got this shit worked out after all. Maybe. Kind of. Just a little bit.

A little bit is enough for now, though.

Got water. Got tea. Didn’t get the knife.

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Originally published at moreimpossiblegirl.wordpress.com on May 29, 2016.