THE REVIEWS Episode 42: Brawl Stars
Halloween is about to get spookier…
Hey, Noah here. Halloween’s today, and I’m sure many people are going out to houses in their outfits and do Trick ‘r Treat. You know, Halloween’s scary with all those lighted jack-o-latern shits, people dressing up as ghosts to scare the shit out of you, and watching Halloween-themed horror movies. Would you believe me, that something is way scarier than all those?
That’s right, I’m talking about Brawl Stars. It seems like a good game, doesn’t it? The characters look decent, the graphics are cool, and the gameplay seems normal for a multiplayer game. But, we are doomed right from the very start. Wanna know who developed and made this game? Supercell.
Supercell is the motherfucking money-grabbing company. They can make a game look nice, but deceives you when you play it. Pay to get this. Pay to get that. Pay to win. PAY, PAY, PAY! Supercell is the third worst mobile game company next to NaturalMotion and Electronic Arts. Because NaturalMotion really makes games that are naturally shit, and EA is already just a piece of shit by itself. I’ve already talked about Supercell in my fourth episode of YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE, and even shitted on Clash Royale in my Mobile Games 2 review. So you know how bad this money-sucking company is, and how much I detest them.
Without further ado, let’s start with this game. What do you do? Move a character around, shoot real-time players, and work with your teammates to win the match. And we have our first problem here. Matchmaking? A disaster. As usual. It’s like the common factor in all Supercell games. Some teammates are either trolling or being a noob at this game. Most of the time, I get bad teammates. That’s one way to infuriate me. It adds on to my fury when my opponents are some smart people. Really? Shitty teammates are teamed up with me but clever players are on the enemy team? What a piece of shit. Furthermore, when I check the replay, I realized that I got teammates with low-powered and low-ranked brawlers, and we’re going against high-ranked and fully-levelled brawlers. It happens to me all the damn time! It’s like in Clash Royale, where you’re up against an opponent three levels higher than you.
Okay, so the next part is also bullshit. You think the gameplay’s easy? Sounds easy, but it is not. Moving your character is at times troublesome, and it can kill you. Let’s say your character is walking around. You want to move away from the enemy, and you have to do it as fast as possible. But you are rushing to get out, and you slid your finger out of the screen, making the character stop in a spot. That makes you an easier target for the enemy, and he has a ninety percent chance of eliminating your dead ass. I mean, for the love of fuck, why is the D-pad so damn small? It’s alright that you can place the D-pad anywhere, but when you’re in a hurry to get out, you won’t have time to think. Putting your thumb in the middle of the screen won’t help, and putting it at the near end is the only way to move fast, but that might lead to your demise! Stupid game!
There are various modes for this game, but we’re going to talk about the main four. Gem Grab, Showdown, Bounty, and Brawl Ball. In Gem Grab, either team is supposed to collect 10 gems while protecting themselves from their enemies and last for 15 seconds with the 10 gems. If they manage to survive, they win. Bounty is a mode where you and your teammates try to eliminate your enemies. Killing an enemy brawler makes you gain the amount of stars that brawler has, and getting killed makes you lose the amount of stars you have, and giving it to the opponent that eliminated you instead. Maximum stars one can have is seven, and when you die, your stars reset to 2. After 2 minutes, the game ends. Brawl Ball is a mode where you and your teammates have to shoot the ball into the other team’s goal. You can win either by scoring two goals, or scoring more than your opponent by the end of the time limit. These three modes are alright. Little problems like matchmaking and maps, but I’ve talked about the former, and the latter is not a serious issue at all. The next mode is the one I have hatred for.
Showdown. You can either play solo or duo. Solo Showdown is you against nine other players while Duo Showdown is you having a teammate battling with you while you two destroy the other teams. Solo Showdown…is the worst mode in this game. I got a lot of reasons for that, so hear me out.
The maps. Community maps have been made, most of them are made by people outside Supercell. And that meant shitty maps. I mean, look at this map. Just look at it.
What a nice map, don’t you think? So majestic, so beautiful, so elegant. What kind of sadistic prick came up with this map? Why not put bushes all over the whole map? Or put walls everywhere? Better yet, just make it an empty map. You can die at any part of the map at any point of time. This is the worst design I have come across by far. And I know lots of people are with me. Pentagonal Cubes, shame on you. You made this shitty game from bad to horrible.
Bush campers. Oh, man. Don’t you just love when you want to go into a bush and hide from an enemy, only to get killed by another because he/she is hiding in the same damn bush?! Are you shitting me?
Teaming. I really, really, really hate this. And I’m not kidding. Some of the players will spin their characters, indicating that they want to team together to get 1st and 2nd. When they team, there’s a low chance you can escape them. Getting killed by a player is bad enough, but now getting gang-banged by two players who teamed up just to end me…that is really annoying and frustrating. STOP TEAMING, YOU FUCKHEADS! THIS IS SOLO SHOWDOWN FOR A REASON, YOU PIECES OF ANAL SAUCE! DOES THE WORD NEED TO BE IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND?!
I don’t know if it’s just me or what, but when I start the match, 70 percent of the time, all the players aim me first! Geez, do you like killing me first so much? I don’t get it. At all. Especially when your character is at a high rank, and you die first, so you lose 6 trophies. 6 damn trophies! That’s a lot! Sometimes, I lose consecutively, and it makes my blood boil. Yes, this game can make you rage for real. I broke a fucking dustbin just to vent my anger when I lost consecutively, god damn it!
When I’m running away with a low HP from a Brock, I hid behind the wall. He discovered and he chased me all around the map. As I was turning into a corner that he can’t hit though, I thought I was safe. But no, the Brock shot and I died. Guess how? The rocket hit the side of my leg. THE. SIDE. OF. MY. LEG. THE FUCKING SIDE. EVEN A SMALL TOUCH CAN KILL YOU? You think you can do this too, but the chances of you pulling this off is 0.01. Bull-fucking-shit.
Chests. Another common thing in Supercell games. And they ain’t kind with these either. There’s times I don’t receive a new Brawler from the chests for three months. And I opened like hundreds and thousands of them. I know the rates are kinda low, but what the hell? Shouldn’t I at least get a new brawler in a month? Also, most of the times, the chest rewards are as shitty as it gets. For real. When you don’t get power points of the brawler you’re using, you can’t upgrade it at all, which sucks a lot. It becomes a nightmare when you’re up against a fully powered brawler. Thus, you will lose the match and decrease trophies. You might lose continuously and then you feel yourself getting angry and pissed off, and that will affect your mood for the day. Me, a level 5 brawler, vs the opponent, a level 10 brawler. What a fuckload of bullshit.
At times, in the shop, they tempt you with buying new characters and their skins. For example, a Legendary brawler and his new skin cost 500 gems. It might seem nothing to you at first, but just you wait. 500 gems is equal to 35 US dollars. 35 USD for a new brawler and a new skin. WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE? 35 DOLLARS FOR JUST A CHARACTER AND A SKIN? SO WHAT IF IT’S LEGENDARY? Even an Epic character and a skin cost 280 gems! 20 USD bucks for that piece of shit! Are you trying to become the next NaturalMotion, Supercell? Are you planning to sell a brawler for fifty bucks next time, like how NM sold a virtual, useless-after-2-weeks, event-limited car for 50 bucks?
There’s this one huge, lethal, fatal flaw this game has. There’s already many flaws with this game, but what I’m talking here is the biggest flaw of this gruesome crap. It’s a super obvious trait from Supercell’s competitive games. One big mistake that really ruins this whole game. Connection issues. They are really horrendous. Almost all the time, when you’re playing a match, you’ll get lag from connection issues. I don’t know why, but it loves happening every time. Whether you’re playing in Solo, Brawl Ball, or any mode, the lag just comes in and disrupts your game. It causes you to lose the match really bad, when you have the potential of winning it. I feel that most of the times, it’s on purpose. You know why? I’m using 4G, one of the best and fastest broadband cellular networks, and I still cannot move my character because of lag, which could allow my brawler to get killed! Even when I’m sitting close to the Wifi router, I still can lag. I have 5 bars of Wifi, and I’m near to the Wifi router, god damn it! I HAVE SO MUCH SIGNAL, SO WHY THE FUCK IS THE GAME STILL SHOWING NO SIGNAL?! THIS IS A FUCKING RETARDED MISTAKE THAT SUPERCELL LOVES TO MAKE! EVEN IN CLASH ROYALE AND CLASH OF CLANS, THIS SHIT HAPPENS OFTEN! THEY CAN RELEASE SO MANY FUCKING UPDATES FOR THIS PIECE OF SHIT BUT NOT FIX THE DAMN BUGS THEY HAVE! SUPERCELL LOVES SEEING ME LOSE, AND WANTS ME TO CASH ON THEIR GAME! UGHH! I KEEP DYING THANKS TO THE LAG! C’mon, run away from that Piper…phew, I’m safe now…WHAT?! I GOT SHOT DOWN BY ANOTHER PIPER? WHY DOES MY BULLETS RECHARGE SO DAMN SLOW? C’mon, I’m about to kill this son of a bitch…WHAT? HOW DID I DIE TO A COLT’S BASIC ATTACK WITH FULL HEALTH? WHAT IS THIS HACK? Hide in the bush… WHAT THE FLYING FISH FUCK?! HOW DID A PIPER KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I AM JUST BY RANDOMLY SHOOTING? ARE THEY USING CHEATS? At the start of the match, I saw a Mortis, and I know I can kill a Mortis with my Leon…just have to get near…Mortis uses his basic attacks to damage me, and I’m still alive…just a bit closer…THE FUCK? HE GOT HIS SUPER READY JUST BY HITTING ME THRICE? AND I FUCKING DIED FROM IT? I’M LOSING THANKS TO MY REATRDED TEAMMATES! IF THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY, WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING IT? WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO TEAM UP WITH USELESS TEAMMATES WHILE THE OTHER TEAM IS SO OVERPOWERED? I KEEP LOSING, LOSING, AND FUCKING LOSING! FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKKKKKK!
Brawl Stars is one of the worst games in the history of gaming. It might seem nice with the graphics and characters, but the rest of it just suck donkey cock. If you ever want to play this game, which I don’t recommend, play with someone professional. Don’t go solo, or you’ll understand what living in Hell is like. How did Supercell fuck up a game this bad?! This is a game made in 2018, and yet it’s still like a joke. This game had potential, but instead, it’s made by Supercell, one of the world’s leading companies in sucking people’s money. It’s like, either you pay, or you fucking lose! Any other game company except Supercell and NaturalMotion would’ve done a better job. I’d rather piss in a bottle with beetles in it and drink them down my throat rather than continuing to torture myself any more with this fucking asinine pile of dung goat shit. Fuck this game, I’m going psycho!
I went to the printer and printed out the Brawl Stars logo and Supercell logo on a paper each. I then made a campfire and lighted a fire with matchsticks. I took the two papers and placed them on top of the campfire.
BURN YOU, MOTHERLESS PIECES OF SHIT! As the fire gets bigger, it devours the two papers and engulfed them in flames. Now, time for some Trick ‘r Treat! I went to someone’s house and placed a Brawl Star picture in a bag and shitting in it before placing it outside the house. I did the same for the rest of my neighborhood. Yeah, make sure they know Brawl Stars fucking suck!
To anyone reading this, I wish you a happy Halloween, and just a piece of advice: STAY AWAY FROM THIS GAME AND SUPERCELL!
