THE REVIEWS Episode 49: Wally Bear and the NO Gang (NES)
Happy 2020, people! Before I start going on about this review, I will just say that I will be concentrating more on my stories this year. Thus the reviews are coming out at a slower rate, but it will not stop. With that out of the way, let’s jump straight to the review!
It is the new year 2020! Me and my friends have gathered in my house to gather and talk about life. We had some fun and then we came together in the living room for a game of truth and dare.
Bo Peep dared Vanellope to do a chicken dance for three minutes. Megumi asked a truth from Hina, and then they changed the game up. Now, the dares are worst than before. When a person is dared, he/she will be given two dares. They have to accept either one. Sounds like a really bad idea?
Guess who got dared the first round?
I was dared by Bo Peep to either dress like a clown for a week and drink five cups of beer, or to play a shitty game and drink a whole bottle of red wine. Of course I will choose the latter! I won’t wear a fucking clown suit! I’m a man, not a woman!
I popped open a bottle of red wine and poured it on the glass cup before drinking it. Slowly but surely, I got drunk. I didn’t know what happened after that, but I only woke up the next morning.
I got up with a painful headache, and saw a cartridge beside me. I picked it up and looked at the title, “Wally Bear and the NO Gang”. Why does the artwork look so fucked up? A bear with sunglasses on a damn skateboard. What shit are we getting into this time?
Wally Bear and the NO! Gang is an unlicensed NES game, aiming to teach kids to say no to drugs. It was made by American Video Entertainment in 1992, exclusively in North America. Wally Bear’s uncle, Gary Grizzly, has planned a party for Wally and the NO! Gang, and Wally has to reach his uncle Gary’s house before dark, avoiding all sorts of obstacles.
Now, you might think, how can this game be bad? It teaches kids good things, and the cover looks cool and awesome and rad. Well, I’m about to change your mind about it. It certainly ain’t a good game at all.
First, you start off at your typical street. The music. Ugh. Why is it so bad? The music sounds like we’re playing a toddler’s game, and it doesn’t even sound nice at all. In fact, I think it will make babies cry out loud.
I love that you play as a talking bear who wears clothes, sunglasses, and shoes, and is also on the damn skateboard. But the other animals like the birds and dogs…are still birds and dogs. What kind of world are we living in?
From here, the game is already difficult. This is like the Transformers Famicom game. The first stage is hard as fuck. It never ever gives you a chance. Everyone wants to kill you. From dogs to birds. For the dogs, you can jump over them. But it’s not the same for the birds. They home in on Wally, so they’re naturally hard to avoid. They can be in the sky for one moment, and the next one they just go down to you and kill you. You can duck down to dodge those nasty ass birds. Yeah. But that won’t help you much later on. Especially with a million enemies trying to kill you. However, there are things that can kill the birds and dogs. Introducing…pies! Collect them on some parts of the map and you can shoot one at a time. Collect two to shoot two in one round! Awesome! Also, there are skateboard powerups you can collect. It makes you move faster, of course.
Don’t you love one-hit deaths? How can a bear get killed by a bird swooping down on him? This never makes sense. So does this stupid logic. Why a one-hit death? Yes, there are four more continues, but the game is ridiculously hard that your four continues will be gone in a flash thanks to the one-hot deaths. This should be very illegal in video games. Nobody is supposed to die from one hit.
When you control this horrible character, you’ll realize that the controls are slippery as fuck. That brings the difficulty a level up. I jump on a platform, but I fell thanks to the controls, and a dog kills me. That’s real nice.
The backgrounds. Oh my. They look so similar. Real cool. I didn’t know two stages can look almost identical. This is lazy designing. The characters look lame too. Wally Bear, Toby Turtle, Ricky Rat…I mean, what kind of names are those? And why do they look so plain? I mean, if you wanted them to stand out from the normal enemies, at least put some effort into making the characters’ designs.
Okay, I go through a train full of jumping rats. Then I end out back in the streets. Great, now I end up at a place that looks like my home. Cool. Why is my useless parents not bringing me to the house? Why is the skateboard my only mode of transportation? Why is everyone trying to kill me? Do they hate Wally Bear so much? Perhaps they are drug addicts, and they don’t want Wally Bear to succeed on his mission to stop drugs… That leads me to the next point. What about this game is about anti-drug? Besides the conversations, it is all a side-scroller game. How does this teach kids to get away from drugs?
I go through lots of broken buildings after taking two subways. Wow, Uncle Gary’s house is sure far. WHAT? NOW THERE’S MOTHERFUCKERS DROPPING POTIONS OF POISON ON ME? AND BATS? What the…This is straight up bullshit. Now, I’m in a carpark. Cool, I killed Larry Lizard here. What now? Which exit should I take? Okay I’ll take a guess, and I managed to get in.
That is the next screen. What…the…fucking…hell…? WHAT? WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? *stares intensely at the screen* *throws controller away and walks out of the room*
What is this? Why are we in the sewer? We go from our own house to the fucking sewer! How did this even happen? What… I’m speechless. I got no words to say. How does Uncle Gary visit Wally Bear and his family during the New Years? I cannot imagine. This part is super hard. The platforms are too short, and enemies come in all directions. The toxic water, the toxic water droplets from the pipes, snakes, and bats. Nice. How is anyone supposed to finish this shit? It took me numerous amounts of tries to get to the end of this stage.
At the end of the stage, there’s a door with some big shit surrounding it. What the hell? What is going on with this game? We go from riding the streets…to infiltrating a fucking underground lair! What is this, Dr Robotnik’s laboratory?!
Once I went through the door, there are…creepy faces imprinted on the ceiling. Holy shit. Are the developers of this game on drugs or what? Good lord. After that, I need to frantically search for an exit when there are many of them. While doing so, I have to dodge bats and toxic water droplets. How is this intended for kids, may I ask? Why is this game so difficult and tedious? Did the developers expect kids to even get through the first stage?
A few minutes later, I finally got to Uncle Gary’s house. Phew, after all that shit, I’m finally here. But why does he live in a broken down building? Where the hell is he living? Is he living in the aftermath of the world war? Who knows?
Well, he has a trophy in his house. Guess that is given to him for living in such a miserable, destroyed, isolated place.
“I see you’ve brought a new friend.” Is he talking about me? Is this the fourth wall? Are you for real now? I don’t want to be here at all. I want to be back home.
This game is not just a piece of shit. It’s an abomination, and it shouldn’t even be created at all. Difficult as hell, lousy graphics, lousy design, ear-piercing music, and controls that sucks cock. This ain’t teaching kids on how to avoid drugs at all. Instead, it teaches them to adapt to crappy games. I have wasted my damn time on this, and I regretted it so much. This game fucking sucks, and it deserves to be burnt in eternal hell. Kids, please don’t do anymore drugs, please. I do not want these types of games to be made ever again. God damn it.
You might think this is the end of the review, but no. We still got one part left. I have researched up on this game, and it seems like there is a hotline. 1800-HI-WALLY. Wow. If you call this number, Wally Bear will give you some anti-drug message. Let’s try it out.
I took up the phone and called the hotline…
*ends call* Nope, not working anymore.
Happy 2020, readers! Sorry for posting late as I’m working on a story now and my school life has gotten busier! But I promise to put out more episodes this year, so do look out for them! Thanks for reading, and once again, happy new year!