THE REVIEWS Episode 58: Squid Game…?
This is the Netflix series, am I right?
Hello there! It’s me again, Noah! I mean, who else can be here besides me, right? I’m the only person who runs this account, so if you see anyone else here writing, then…
Anyways, my life. I’ve been busy these past few days. I started work, and I’m working 8–5 everyday. Yeah, you’ve always heard of 9–5, right? Well, my job’s…a bit more torturous…ha ha ha…
Back to the main point of this review, there’s this new crazy show everyone’s talking about. Everywhere I go, it’s mentioned. Even when I go out with my friends, they tell it to me and gush over the actors in there like they’re some god being worshipped. It’s even NUMBER ONE TRENDING in like so many countries.
This show is SQUID GAME. Well, very *ahem* unique name. Anyways, it is a South Korean survival drama television series that is all about the contestants playing games with life-threatening conditions and rules, with the winner winning a big cash prize. Sounds like a pretty neat premise.
With this kind of show, there’s bound to be characters that have poor or tragic backstories, or even BOTH, backstories that will compel them to come compete for the money and shed a tear in your eye. Well, I’m not here to talk about the show, because I haven’t watched it yet. A lot of people said it’s good, but they’re there most probably because of the actors whom they find DASHING, GOOD LOOKING, AND HANDSOME.
However, what if I told you…there was a game for it? Surprising, ain’t it? A Squid Game game? Noah, you out of your mind? Are you talking bullshit? Is this a fat lie? No way this exists. Oh, how I WISHED THIS DIDN’T EXIST. I really wanted this to be false, but…here we are.
What the fuck is this? Why does it even exist? Sometimes I question humanity…and my life. How the hell did someone go ‘Squid Game is famous, we need to make a game out of it?’
I mean I get it, if a show or movie became successful or popular, there’s bound to have some games about it, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? There’s potential for Squid Game to be a game, no pun intended, but why? Just why? What’s the point in this? We could only ask the developer for questions.
It’s a person name Nhuan Vu. Wow, Mr Vu, if I can call you that, you’re so brilliant. You made a Squid Game mobile game for everyone, and the age rating is 4+. You trying to make a kid-friendly version of Squid Game? If that’s so, then you are such a kind Samaritan. You know kids can’t enjoy the show as there’s too much blood, gore, and even death, that’s why you want the kids to feel involved. No, I get it. Don’t need to explain it any further. What a nice dude you are.
‘Copyright © 2021 Nhuan Vu’ Oh, so you own this, don’t you, Mr Vu? Also, notice the official Squid Game logo in the app icon, so that must mean this is an official game approved by the director Hwang Dong-hyuk? Or perhaps, Mr Vu, are you working as one of the Netflix gaming developers? Because I do remember Netflix wanting to do something with gaming. Maybe you’re one of those people who was hired by Netflix.
You know what? I’m going to play the game. I’m pretty interested in it. The official logo made me curious, but the ‘Mysterious survivalcompettiion’ tagline was the one that reeled me in. It’s also the top spot in Puzzle. Damn, this should be fascinating. I know I never watched the show, but I keep seeing the doll everywhere on the internet while a bunch of people play Red Light, Green Light, so I expect that to be in the game.
There we go, I’ve downloaded it. Time to play it. I’m excited.
Ahh, Squid Game, A Memory Game. A memory game. A. MEMORY. GAME. What is that supposed to mean? What am I supposed to memorize with my small brain? As you can see in the picture, there’s three difficulties. Easy, Medium, and Hard. Look at those emojis. Easy has this angelic smiley face, Medium has this shocked one, and the Hard has the cold emotion. Yeah, those are my reactions in order when I saw this goddamn game. Let’s pick the Easy difficulty. I’m sure I know how to play Red Light, Green Light. I’ve played that since I was a child! I know the rules of the game. Let’s get it!
Oh wow, this…this doesn’t seem like Red Light, Green Light, at least to me. What is this? What am I supposed to do in this? Am I supposed to click on the masked person, the checkered board they’re standing on, or the numbered squares? Well, pressing the person does nothing. The checkered board too, so that leaves me the numbered squares. But WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PRESS THEN? I pressed the ‘1’ on the right, and BOOM I’m dead. What the fuck is going on? I’m so confused.
Turns out, I need to read the ‘How To Play’. Silly me, how could I forget? However, when I read it, I don’t understand a single fucking word at all. Mr Vu, you need to improve on your English. After seconds of playing it, I think I finally knew what to do. You are required to press on the numbered square in the same row which has the least transparent background. Like in the picture above, I’m supposed to press the left ‘1’ because it looks less transparent than the right one. The Easy difficulty has 2 squares per row, the Medium has 3, and Hard has 4. That’s it. Nothing more to it. No extra games, no interesting thing coming outta nowhere, just this mode.
Wow, what a majestic game, honestly. 10/10. What a beauty. Super fantastic. I would totally play this…IF THIS WAS ON THE GAMEBOY.
Why the hell is this made? This shit is so mundane and boring it makes Flappy Bird LOOK INTERESTING. This Nhuan Vu man made this bootleg game, stole the fuckin exact official Squid Game logo, and had the AUDACITY to put his own copyright on AN ALREADY COPYRIGHTED THING! HE DIDN’T EVEN CREATE A GAME THAT’S SIMILAR OR CLOSE TO THE SHOW ITSELF! Why is this atrocity made? What was he thinking when he was making this? That he could get money off it? What. Is. The. Point. Of. Making. This???????? He’s lucky Netflix or the director are not suing him up the ass. ‘Mysterious survivalcompettiion’? More like ‘trytostayawakewhileplayingthisgame’.
Don’t even get me started on how it got 4.7 stars. I’m just as astonished as you are. I’m done. I’m outta here. This shit’s not for me.
UPDATE: 8 OCTOBER 2021
So, I came back to the game, and some major changes happened. Woah, I know, right? What changes, you ask? Well, I’ll let you take a look at it.
Now, would you look at that! Mr Vu didn’t just change the app icon, he even changed the title! ‘Choose correct squares’ Wow, that’s a pretty awesome name, don’t you think? Sounds kick-ass to me. Even the subtitle has been changed to just ‘Mysterious survival’. Where’s the ‘compettiion’, and what on earth is mysterious survival? I guess I’ll never know. Only a big brain like Mr Nhuan Vu understands.
The gameplay is pretty much the same, except that the masked man now is a stickman, and the background changed to some flower picture? I can’t see what’s that, but hey, at least it’s not Squid Game. I guess Mr Nhuan Vu knew that getting a ‘cease-and-desist’ letter from either Hwang Dong-hyuk or the Netflix team will land him in serious debt, so he changed almost everything, and made it not related to the show anymore.
Before I go, I wanted to show you one more thing. I want you to see this holy grail.
Menu screen looks very different, and there’s also no more ‘How To Play’ button. Damn, you tryna confuse people now, Mr Vu? You think 4 year olds are gonna understand how to play the game just by looking at the menu screen? Alright, you probably overestimated young kids. Maybe you were a genius back in your young days. Maybe you already had this expectation, but not everyone’s like you.
That’s not the main thing, though. Look at the title now. It suddenly increased from ‘Choose correct squares’ to ‘Choose correct squares or DIE’…yeah, it’s right there. Your eyes are not playing tricks on you, this is not a hallucination, and this is the real thing. This man actually put the word ‘die’ in the title, and as if that wasn’t enough, he put it in CAPS. FUCKING CAPS.
You explicitly stated this is a game for 4 and above, right, Mr Nhuan Vu? If that’s the case, then why the hell does it have MORBID WORDS IN IT?! Kids aren’t that smart, you know. What happened if they made a mistake, and it’s game over for them? They’ll think that it’s pretty serious because of ‘DIE’, in CAPS no less.
Imagine a 4 year old playing this, and they fucked it up. Whoops. I don’t wanna die because I lost the goddamn game. I don’t wanna leave this world yet. I still got a long way ahead of me. Are you cursing me to die because I couldn’t tell the FUCKING DIFFERENCE OF THE TRANSPARENCY OF THE SQUARES? Some people have eye problems since they’re young, you know. It’s not like they wanted it at all. You’re just an evil individual, waiting to devour all the children when they don’t win. You’re a monster, and I’m disgusted by it.
In all seriousness though, this bootleg game sucks. It really does, and I’ve tortured myself long enough playing this crap. It’s time to cleanse my eyes and move on to something else. Halloween’s coming up though. Time to get ready for that.