THE REVIEWS Episode 61: Eternals

Eternally shocking

SPOILERS AHEAD

Today, I’m going to tell you a tale about one of the worst movies ever made. Eternals.

It is a 2021 superhero film by Marvel Studios…wait…Marvel Studios? The company who made Iron Man? Captain America? The Avengers? Yes, that’s right. I think everyone knows what Marvel is. The superheroes that came out from it such as the aforementioned two people, Spider Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Panther, Doctor Strange, Black Widow, and so on. It was also lead by none other than the prestigious and renowned Stan Lee. A legendary creator who went down in history as the person who made Marvel soar to success. He even made cameos in Marvel films, which was pretty awesome. Cool and nice guy from the interviews, though I never seen him personally. Rest in peace, Stan.

Back to what I was saying earlier, Eternals is a Marvel Studios movie based on the comics of the same name. It was released in cinemas and is one of the Phase Four films. Well, I didn’t know this group Eternals have ever existed in the comics. Maybe because when I think of Marvel, the first thing that comes up to my mind is the Avengers.

You think, because it’s a Marvel movie, you expect it to be decent. I mean, not all Marvel movies can be like Avengers Endgame, Spider-Man No Way Home, or Black Panther even. There ought to be some small mistakes here and there, and it could be seen in movies like Iron Man 2 or The Incredible Hulk. The latter two are pretty ass, but they’re still acceptable. Let me be clear; if you expect Eternals to be okay, then you can dream on. Wait til you see how shitty this piece of shit is.

The first thing that strikes it out from the rest is its director. Yeah, even before watching the god damn film, you can already determine it’s gonna be an abomination when you see Chloe Zhao directing it. In case you don’t know what films she make, lemme tell you. Drama, coming-of-age, emotional films. They might have a little action here and there, but it is mostly about characterization of the characters and the touching emotional stories that has a reason or moral behind it. It is her forte. I don’t know what Marvel is thinking when they hired her. When you place a non-action director in an action film, you know it’ll suck balls.

That’s not to say that directors can’t do good outside their own experienced field. There are some examples where the directors really outdid themselves on a genre they’ve never worked before, and it has happened. But this one just straight out gives you a sign to turn back and not watch it. However, if you went ahead and watched it, or you can take diarrhoea in high dosage, then well, I applaud you.

I would say the action scenes in this are okay, I guess. They’re not horrible. That’s the only good thing I’ll say about this film. The first flaw of this crap is the characters. What kind of characters are we seeing here? What’s even going on? Let’s start from the members of Eternals.

We have Kingo. He’s a big ass pussy who’s a movie star. He backs out like a scaredy cat during the fight with Ikaris because he doesn’t want to fight him DUE TO HIS FAMILY BELIEF, EVEN THOUGH HE HAS SWORN TO FIGHT AGAINST EVIL.

Then, we have Sprite. One useless dwarf who can’t do shit except whine and be a lil twat that feels like Ikaris’s dog. Well, in fact, she is madly in love with him. Other than her constant screaming, angsty resting bitch face dissatisfied with life, and her undying love for the villain, she’s absolutely nothing but a bitch to her actual friend, Sersi.

Phastos. My boy keeps creating shit that gets rejected by Ajak, the former leader of the Eternals because ‘it’s too soon’ and we can’t help the humans, boo-hoo. His creativity keeps getting restricted and limited by her.

Makkari. This is the budget, cheapskate version of the Flash from DC. They’re almost the same. She falls in love with the manchild I’m about to talk next.

Druig. Ah yes, this arrogant cunt. He could control the mind of humans. This guy is the very definition of a piece of shit. He’s an asshole to everyone except his favorite girl. Ooo, what’s this, huh? Good girl like bad guy shit? This ain’t a romance movie, god damnit. He thinks he’s too smart for this world and everyone should bow down and suck his dick. In reality though, he keeps getting whacked, shitted on, and even got his ass smacked by Ikaris. Walk the talk, you fucking asshole. Don’t act all high and mighty when you can’t even do the slightest shit except controlling humans to stop conflict. He always say humans need to develop, but he fucking doesn’t even let them anyways, always using his shitty ass powers to stop conflict. How is that growing for humans, you ugly looking dumbass? That’s restricting them instead. Stupid cunt.

Anyways, next up, we have Gilgamesh. He’s okay. Pretty cool. Only thing I don’t like about him is he’s taking care of the most useless person in the team. According to sources, he’s the ‘strongest’ Eternal, but I’m sure Thena is stronger since she’s an elite warrior. I’ve nothing much to talk about him, like Phastos.

Ajak. The former leader, and quite useless too. She allowed herself to get blinded and pushed down a cliff by Ikaris, leading to her death. Leader? More like follower. She’s the leader. She’s supposed to be strong, for fuck’s sake. Why is she so weak against a member of hers? Doesn’t she have superpowers? Can’t she do anything? She just stands there and let Ikaris push her off like an idiot. What…You know, let’s move on.

Now here comes the juicy part. The three major characters of the movie. Let’s start with Ikaris, the Superman copycat. The flying, the heat vision, and even the suit all make him look like a downgraded Superman. This man is sure pretty big in this movie, ain’t he? He’s very strong, that’s one thing for sure. He even gets a dwarf falling for him. He’s even the disguised villain of the whole movie. Wow, I sure didn’t expect that. He’s a very big fan of Arishem and the Celestials, and he follows them and their beliefs.

But you know what? He can whoop everybody in the Eternals, except Sersi. Oh, you wanna know why? Well, it totally isn’t because THEY WERE FUCKING LOVERS AND HE STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER. How more cliché can this movie be? Back to the point, he himself should just be the sole member of the Eternals. He’s really powerful in strength and knowledge…kinda. If not for his emotions, I’d say he has a slim but possible chance to be with the Avengers or against them.

Then there’s Thena. Ah yes, remember the elite warrior Eternal I was talking about earlier? Yeah, this elite warrior…IS COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS! Elite my ass. The writers and director just slapped that term on her name like how I slap kitchen magnets onto the refrigerator. She’s very strong, like Ikaris, but the difference is that SHE JUST GETS FUCKING MIND CONTROLLED BY SOME DISEASE AND ATTACKS HER TEAMMATES! WHAT KINDA BULLSHIT IS THIS!? SHE’S THE STRONGEST AND HAS THE WORD ELITE IN HER DESCRIPTION, BUT SHE STILL GETS FUCKED AND CAN’T EVEN CONTROL HERSELF?!?!?!?! This is a joke. Honestly, good joke. She’s even played by, lord and behold, Angelina Jolie. To think she used to get stunning, dashing, kickass roles in her previous movies. Now, she plays a very incompetent worthless “warrior” who gets her fucking mind controlled every time and can only depend on someone like a baby to take care of her. It’s a fall from grace for Angelina. I pity her.

Finally, we have the main protagonist. Sersi. I think she needs no introduction. She is the ‘chosen one’ and the do-gooder. Also, she’s know for these infamous lines. Let’s take a look:

Dane: Why didn’t you guys help fight Thanos?

Dane: Or any war?

Dane: Or all the other terrible things throughout history?

Sersi: We were instructed not to interfere in any human conflicts unless Deviants were involved.

Dane: Why?

Sersi: If we’d protected humanity from everything for 7,000 years, you’d never have had the chance to develop in the way you were meant to.

Perfect. Classic. Magnificent. Words from a truly intelligent individual. Yeah, you know, Sersi, maybe if your group ain’t A FUCKING PIECE OF DOG SHIT, then perhaps the gods will have more trust in you and your little childcare toddlers.

The Eternals are tasked to eliminate the Deviants, yet in half the film, everyone except Ikaris were getting their asses handed to them by the very same creatures they were supposed to kill. More than half the group got fucked by these Deviants, with two of them getting KILLED AND MURDERED BY THESE MONSTERS! It’s no wonder why they weren’t instructed to interfere in any human conflicts. If they did, THE EARTH WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE! DESTROYED! BLOWN INTO PIECES! Protecting, my ass. You can’t even protect yourself from shit, Sersi. Ikaris could’ve single-handedly took you and the Eternals out in one blow. How dare you talk about protecting humanity. You are like a clown putting the makeup on.

In other words, the good guys, which is this useless group named Eternals, are weak and detestable. Why on Earth would you make your good guys detestable?! It’s great when the villains are the ones being hated on because that’s the norm, but you know that you are a shit director and scriptwriter if you can make the good guys irritable. You’re supposed to be cheering them on, not jeering them! What were they thinking? That’s like creating a game, but the heroes you can use are fucking pussies and weaklings and they can’t do shit at all! Who would wanna use them then? Likewise, who would want to see this piece of shit group anyways?!

I’ve talked for so long, but that’s ONLY THE CHARACTERS. That’s right, the characters and characterization are enough to piss me off. I haven’t even gotten to the story part. The story is extremely ass. Not just because it’s boring, but some parts just doesn’t make any sense at all. Half the time, I had to rewind parts of the movie just to try and understand what the hell is going on. Other times, I fought with the inner demons in me to keep my eyes awake. It’s so predictable other than the confusing parts, like Ikaris actually being the villain or Sersi being chosen by Ajak to be the new leader. I gotta admit though, that Kingo backing out from the fight got me surprised. I didn’t expect it. Like wow, I never knew a hero could be such a pussy. The runtime is also another obstacle. Why is it two and a half hours? How long more are you gonna torture me, Eternals?

Also, remember when Ikaris confessed to Sersi, and they had SEX NAKED? Why did the writers think this was necessary? I get it, they love each other, they kiss intensely on screen, I saw it with my eyes. WHY IS THERE A NEED FOR A SEX SCENE? DO I REALLY NEED TO KNOW THAT THE LOVE IS INTENSE OR WHAT? This ain’t Fifty Shades Of Grey. This is a Marvel movie, for crying out loud!

In the mid-credits scene, a relatively unknown character approaches the Eternals. His name is Eros, also known as Starfox. Guess who he’s played by? Why, it’s one of the most famous celebrities in the world, Harry Styles! Wow, that is TOTALLY not a marketing move to get fans of his to watch this shitty movie of yours in the cinemas so they can give Chloé Zhao money so she can create more terrible films.

And of course, for the grand finale, the ending is fucking horrendous. Like I said earlier, Ikaris could’ve killed Sersi and let the Emergence happen, but because of LOVE, he helps her instead and then flies into the Sun after feeling guilty of wanting to kill her. Wow, just wow. Impressive. Bravo *claps hands*. Where did the inspiration come from, I wonder? This is the kind of shit you can only get to experience in asinine movies, and in this case, it fits very well. Almost too well.

This movie is like blending dog shit, horse shit, and cat poop together in a blender, and then drinking it. IT’S FUCKING ATROCIOUS! The plot is dull and the characters are big time fuck-ups. This film is an all-round disaster, and it’s billed under Marvel Studios. MARVEL. Their movies have always been decent, but this…this is so incorrigible it stained them and their library of films. This awful, heinous, detestable movie is a very great example of the consequences when you take an emotional, feeling-like, drama director and place them in an action-filled, character-driven, superhero film.

You get Eternals, the most mind-blowing piece of shit I’ve seen in years.

One more thing, before I end this, I saw a meme that has been floating around about this movie, and I think it really represents what this whole movie is about.

Introducing: Marvel Studios USELESS, directed by Chloé Zhao and other shitty screenwriters that have sex fetishes. The group, consisting mostly braindead people, arrogant dickheads, good-for-nothings, scaredy-cats, and powerless retards. Watch as they continuously fail to defeat the enemies and getting their ass wrecked, only to win by SHEER EMOTION.

Only in cinemas in November 2021 to suck your money off because it is under Marvel.