Twenty-Three Observations

Transitional Notes on Life and Work So Far

Photo by Mike Enerio / Unsplash

Having recently celebrated a birthday…in the shadow of a career shift…in the shadow of a once-in-three generations global pandemic…I’ve found myself asking, as many of us have, fundamental questions. Good ones, like: what do I know?

For as long as we’ve had blogs (if not longer) we’ve had the tradition of articles like “40 Things I’ve Learned at 40” and similar looks back. These often feel canned, even rote, but I’ve always had a soft spot for them. It can be nice to spend time with someone as they thoughtfully take stock.

If you agree, here’s another. As we all embark on a new chapter I offer the following in hope that one or more of these notions might help you as they have, at various points, helped me.

1. No two people see this world the same way. There’s meaningful overlap, occasionally a lot, but every life is distinct in more ways than not. That we struggle to internalize this is the root of much misunderstanding.
2. Everyone carries weight. Tragedy informs even the most “normal” of lives. Even the most stable person you meet is, has been, or will be struggling mightily (occasionally all three).
3. You are never the same person from moment to moment, let alone over a period of years. This is also true of everyone you meet. And so:
4. In order for a friendship or any relationship to last, both sides must recognize the newness of the person on the other side. No one is frozen in time. We should not hold who someone once was against them any more than we should want it held against ourselves. This is useful only insomuch as the relationship is worth preserving.
5. You have to tell people exactly what you mean and say exactly what you want. Anything else means relying on luck. And most of the time you still need the luck anyway.
6. It’s easy and kind to assume good intentions. You’ll be right more often than not. When you’re wrong, so what?
7. There really aren’t that many bad people in the world. Some, but not many. Where this gets complicated is that most people aren’t thinking about how to actively be good. This is why patience and charity can go a long way.
8. Nobody really knows what they’re doing. And even when we do, in most situations there’s more than one “right” way.
9. There’s wisdom everywhere. Sometimes the wisdom right in front of us is as good as anything in religion or philosophy. It helps to be a seeker.
10. Cynicism is a losing play. It’s great as arms and armor, but it doesn’t hold up. And it takes a terrible toll.
11. At some point, we will all be called to understand and act upon faith. Not necessarily religious faith, though it could be that. We will all have moments that call us to leap without a clear line of sight. These moments have an outsize impact on everything else in our lives.
12. Everything moves in cycles. What’s challenging about this is not the cycles themselves, but the fact that not every cycle moves at the same rate. This one is a little hard to explain. We all know that nothing lasts forever, that what goes around comes around, etc. But this isn’t just about the big picture. It also applies at every individual layer of life and experience. And since some cycles move faster than others, it can be terribly difficult to see how, or even if, it all makes sense together. But it does.
13. Things change when you’re willing to let someone else think they’re winning. Most people, when they find themselves at odds, instinctively care more about winning than they do about achieving any particular outcome. This creates space if you can see it.
14. Competition weakens the spirit. It may occasionally be beneficial, but one should undertake it only when necessary, and only with open eyes.
15. Change is constant, but it has a shape. A river is never exactly the same from moment to moment, and yet we know the river when we see it.
16. Answers to the really big questions will not be found by looking outside. The things that last, that make an impact, have to come from within.
17. Few things you can do for yourself have as much power as becoming aware of your internal monologue. Once we can see the story into which we’ve cast ourselves, much becomes clear.
18. As much as living is a process of learning it is also a process of unlearning.
19. The long game is the only game. Practice this and you will find that people start underestimating you. In this way, you have discovered something doubly wonderful.
20. By the time any idea or concept gains momentum, it has typically either lost, or will soon lose, vitality. This is not a comment on its original value, nor its utility. But it is important.
21. There’s no such thing as a smart bomb. Weapons, once proven effective, work against anybody. Thus it behooves us to be judicious with our anger.
22. Stepping back is almost always preferable to stepping away. This has to do with the importance of shifting one’s perspective. But in those instances where it is right to step away, it is wise to do so completely.
23. The sole function of fear is avoidance. We can respond accordingly.