it doesn’t beat. a bystander screams. i see nothing but the blue sky, not even that. i hear the sirens, sirens again, sirens once more. i observe, a puppet, i witness, i move as others pull my limbs. i do not speak. i do not speak.

it doesn’t beat in a hospital. i observe. nobody knows my name. here i am. a change of heart. open the door or my tears will drown us both. i wish i could speak. i fear for my life. she looks at me, asks if i can talk. now i do.

it beats, i say, it beats, but i don’t know why. tell me, nurse, tell me why it beats. tell me why it stopped beating. tell me why i am saved once again only not to be. give me the answers for i can only ask questions. for i can only speak in silence.

she hands me water. calm down. calm down. lie down. she supports me to a bed. lie down. the devices are intruders. they steal my beat. they steal the last thing left. now i hear the beats. now i hear too many beats. the beats again continue.

calm down, she says, but i will not. how does this continue or how does this end? the nurse tells me she isn’t god. i tell her she better not as i long lost my faith. she says she’ll pray for me. i wonder what she’ll say. what she asks him. what it will do.

they found nothing special. nothing in my body. nothing in my story. it beats, it beats as it once started. it beats. as i walk outside i decide to just try. see if life is granted another day. it is and i return to a home that is not a home. i long.