Chapter 1: Shah Rukh Nama
This is Bombay rain. On one hand, you can’t see shit. On the other, there is a traffic jam on every street, road and highway.
Anand is driving. It’s his Innova. He isn’t really complaining about being stuck in a jam. He loves the seven people he is driving across town in the rain.
Veena, Anand’s live-in girlfriend, kneels on the front seat with her arms wrapped around the backrest and her eyes on Shah Rukh (Khan, obviously)¹.
Shah Rukh is right at the back of the SUV, stuffed between Kartik (Anand’s best friend, currently playing a switched-off robot) and Avantika (Niyati’s protégé). Veena’s best friends Seher and Niyati occupy the middle row.
Wrapped in a blue plastic sheet, Anuj is tied to the carrier on the roof of the SUV.
Has it already been mentioned that this is Bombay rain at its almost worst? Like people are almost suffocating to death inside their own cars. Thankfully, the AC is working.
– “Why do I have to fill the guest appearance in this book?” Shah Rukh asked the gang. “Also could you not light that joint? It’s not good for my public image to be around one.”
– “We can’t get Hrithik or Aamir or Salman. Hrithik won’t fit between Avantika and Kartik. Plus, I’m not sure, he might be a gaslighter.” Niyati knows everything. “Aamir might fit but he would also make people think this is a serious novel. And I don’t want Salman anywhere near an SUV.”
– “Plus, c’mon! After Hrishikesh Mukherjee, you are the king of guest appearances! There was that song Phir Milenge Chalte Chalte. Then there was Deewangi Deewangi and its parent movie Om Shanti Om, both of which had more A-listers than award ceremonies.” Seher is Associate Culture Editor at A magazine — a weekend magazine with a business newspaper.
– “And sone pe suhaaga, it had to be you because we are on our way to meet an Anjali!” Avantika raises a hand for Shah Rukh to high-five. Seher and Veena chorus, “I don’t like jokes. I don’t like you.”
– “That again.” Shah Rukh facepalms.
– “No, seriously. We are on our way to meet an Anjali.” Avantika lowers her hand realising that she won’t be getting that high-five from Shah Rukh.
On their way to town in this hazardous weather, they had spotted a chauffeur (under an umbrella) stopping every car because his (sleek, rather long and black) car was broken and his saahab needed a ride to town. The saahab needed to pick his kid up from Krav Maga classes or something exotic like that. The gang decided to give the saahab a lift.
– “Really now?” Shah Rukh looks at Niyati with his hands in his hair. “Nobody is going to believe that I was going to pick up my kids from Krav Maga classes.”
– “Has anybody told you that you’re very cynical?” Seher turns around on her seat just like Veena.
– “Move, I can’t see Shah Rukh’s face.” Veena reaches out and moves Seher a little to the right.
– “Cynical? Me? I could have been at an awards ceremony in another country, surrounded by dancers in tassles, and a bunch of cancer kids dancing with me.”
– “Tsk.” Niyati lights the joint. “You really are very cynical. Why did you have to bring in cancer kids?”
Shah Rukh stares at the joint disapprovingly.
– “Stop staring. Every epic story needs to begin with a sakinama, no?” Seher takes the joint from Niyati. “We don’t have alcohol on us unfortunately.”
– “What story?”
– “First, look at this.” Avantika hands Shah Rukh a piece of paper.
The title ‘Suicide Note’ is written in big capital letters on top.
–“What’s this?”
– “This is Kartik’s suicide note. We are on our way to a restobar in town where Katti is going to kill himself.” Seher fills Shah Rukh in on the gang’s plans for the day.
– “What?”
– “Not kill himself-kill himself but kill himself like we do in gang violence.” Veena takes the joint from Seher.
— “Like an encounter?”
– “No, rre! Like how Anuj did on New Year’s Eve. It’s all a part of the story we’re about to tell you.”
– “Anuj did what?” Shah Rukh can’t believe himself. (The gang couldn’t believe Shah Rukh either.)
– “Don’t worry Shah Rukh, Anuj is alive.” Anand shouts from the driver’s seat. “Someone send the joint up here, please.”
– “He’s alive? Where is he?”
– “Upar. On the carrier. We’re doing a bit. He’s a laash that we are going to dump in the sea when no one’s looking.”
– “What is he doing on the carrier in this rain?”
– “Don’t worry, he’s wrapped in a blue plastic sheet.”
– “He’s alive? Wrapped in a blue sheet, on the top of your car when it is pouring outside.”
– “For someone who is Shah Rukh Khan, you’re being a real dick, dude. Let me end this argument once and for all.” Seher calls Anuj from her phone. “Anuj, make Shah Rukh believe you’re doing a bit. Thump thrice.” Anuj bangs his fist against the roof thrice.
– “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you all mad?”
– “Yes,” said everyone nonchalantly and in unison.
– “Now do your job and let me tell you this awesome story and you have to tell us if we should let Kartik take an invisible gun to his mouth and blow his brains out? Or not.”
– “What gun?”
– “Just…” Avantika is fed up with Shah Rukh’s questions. “Go with it, dude.”
– “Okay! If I have to, then someone please pass me the joint.” Shah Rukh moves back from the edge of his seat and takes a hit.
– “Good boy. I am going to start with Niyati because that’s where I came in.” Avantika looks at Niyati with a bharatnatyam student’s reverence for her guru.
¹ This is the kind of story, which has brackets. And footnotes too.
