Chapter 11: Two Brief Histories
A Brief History of Anuj’s Holi
Anuj got busy smoking inside Anand’s car at Anand’s boss’s Holi party. Three (or was it four?) joints in, he rolled down the windows to let out the smoke he had been accumulating inside his own personal hotbox. The drivers of all the other cars parked there thought Anand’s car was on fire and rushed to save Anuj.
Meanwhile at the party, Seher had picked an argument with one of Anand’s colleagues over the concept of ‘notional value’ and how it was destroying the planet. “So you’re telling me if you lost everything right here, right now, and you had to sell what you are wearing to survive, you would be able to get even half of the three thousand rupees you spent for that white kurta which now has colour on it?” Kartik and Niyati stood next to her, being her yes-men³¹.
The story had not ended with the drivers ‘saving’ Anuj. It ended with the drivers getting baked with Anuj. Three joints down, three of the drivers could not stop laughing. One of those drivers worked for one of boss’s high-end guests, who had to go to another Holi party right after. Imagine having a driver who doesn’t stop laughing at anything and everything that was being said on the car radio. Obviously, there weren’t any accidents except the driver missed some turns and had to take longer routes to take the guests to their destinations.
A Brief History of Illegal Smoking
The gang never smoked weed at Fruity Monkeys, their regular restobar, because the aroma of weed would flood the entire floor in no time. Hash was subtler. Once upon a time, Anuj was rolling joints right at the smoking spot. The manager had tried enforcing them to not do it but that didn’t really stop them. This is how it went before the manager had to request Ahmed (who he was used to pushing around all the time) to have a talk with “your friends”.
— “Will you please stop the illegal activities?”
— “Why?” Anuj licked the joint as he bounced his eyebrows at him.
— “Because it is illegal.”
— “This is definitely not the worst illegal thing that’s going on on this terrace.” Kartik laughed.
— “What do you mean?”
— “You see that guy over there, standing at the bar. Now just wait till a girl passes by.” And a girl did pass by right then. “And there he swivels on the barstool, rubs his knee against her thighs and apologises.”
— “Oh, also that mom out there in the section with giant couches.” Veena piped up. “Every time the baby cries, she’s going to feed him a spoonful of her mojito.”
— “That could be a virgin mojito.”
— “Are you sure?”
— “But…” The manager stopped there, shook his head and walked away before he was made to turn around and return.
— “Wait, wait… I have one too!” Niyati raised her hand. “That girl there in the back, yes, the one with the three guys. That scarf is so horribly ugly that it should be illegal too.”
— “Also, it’s twenty seasons too late to be in fashion and about forty seasons too early to be hipster chic.” Seher had to be more critical in her evaluation than Niyati, obviously.
When the manager returned to the bar to ask Ahmed to help with the gang, Ahmed just shook his head. “Kya na, aap bhi.” He took a tray of shots to the table, and whispered something in Anuj’s ear. Anuj dished out a crooked grin and nodded to agree. Upon his return to the bar, the manager asked him how did he manage to do that. Ahmed smirked. “Pyaar se bulaaoge toh pahaad bhi Mohammed se milne aayega.”
³¹ According to Actorography, if you bring people (who agree with you) to an argument, you win the argument. Anand got screamed at the next day by his boss for hiring a shady stoner for a driver.
