Chapter 14: Girl Talk
— “So you know all these guys, right?” Seher pulled one strand of hair from right above her neck and curled it around her finger.
— “I know the ones who work with Anand and the ones who went to college with us. The rest, no clue.”
— “What about those four guys there standing with one girl in a circle? They seem to be saying something funny because the girl is really cracking up.”
— “Draupadi and her four pandavs.” Kartik made sure he did not smirk. “Don’t point towards them! I will have to go make conversation. If Anjali walks in right at that moment, it will be so wrong.”
— “Kuch bhi…” Seher was right. Nobody would have cared if Kartik had spoken to them or not.
— “They are not saying anything funny. It is the original and classic case of punchloop.”
— “What?”
— “It is a recursive loop of punchlines. The girl has had a crush on consciously one but actually two of them for a while and won’t let go. The other two have a crush on the girl. So every time someone says something funny, someone else tries to top it with a wittier comment. If you look closely, the guys always laugh half a second after the girl laughs, confirming that the joke is funny.”
— “You know, Katti…” Seher stopped playing with her hair, tucked her hand under her drink-hand’s elbow. “It is a little disturbing, hearing your opinions on other people.”
— “Also, they are standing right next to Anjali’s group. Look at them, all so smug.”
— “So which one of them is Anjali?”
— “None. You would’ve guessed who she is just by looking at her.”
— “Gaand mein le.” Seher’s middle finger jutted out from under her elbow.
— “You don’t get it… She radiates this subtle kind of energy, calm and sober. Like she’s not even aware of how beautiful she is.”
— “Now you are just quoting from TV Tropes’ notes on love interests from teen movies.”
— “What’s that? Also, you’re an expert on women, right? If she’s already not with her group and she is coming separately, does that mean I stand some kind of a chance?”
Seher was flattered away from her facepalm state of mind when Kartik called her an expert on women. She put an arm around his shoulder — like Dharmendra would have put his arm around Amitabh or Amitabh would have put his arm around Vinod Khanna — as her drink hung right above Kartik’s (small yet fat enough to be called so) manboob. Her other hand fished her phone out of the small bag hanging off her shoulder by a string.
— “This would be a good time to tell you: You know girls don’t base their everyday decisions on hooking up with guys, right?”
— “Heyy, who is talking about hooking up? I am just talking about a good, healthy conversation and maybe a date after that.”
— “Jaan-e-mann…” Seher tossed her phone to the bartender. “There is nothing healthy about the conversation you are looking forward to having with her tonight. Now, make a face at the camera, stalker boy.” The two smiled at the camera. She took her phone back, checked the picture and approved of it. “So tell me, have you thought what your first kiss with her will be like?”
— “Nooo…”
It was not that Kartik had not but every time he’d visualise her face that close to his, he’d blank out. Or his IBS would act up. Losing his virginity³⁴ had been easier than thinking about kissing Anjali.
Anand and Veena’s return from their mandatory socialising with Anand’s colleagues and classmates made Kartik breathe a sigh of relief. Veena mimed barfing. Not all out retching but a bonsai³⁵ barf.
— “You guys are back! This Seher here is hell bent on polluting my dreams of romance.”
— “Tu. Sab teri galti hai, Anda bhurji!” Seher stamped Kartik’s foot as she looked at Anand. “You need to burst his bubble every now and then.”
— “Shut up, both of you.” Veena tossed her glass at the bartender who not only caught it gracefully but then flipped it in the air and caught it again before he started to refill it. “I ended up finishing my entire drink while listening to girls speak of honeymoon destinations like Queen Victoria probably spoke of her colonies.”
— “Anarkali here doesn’t seem to be complaining.”
— “I don’t really care. I’m happy, I’m out with the girl I love and friends who I care about. What’s a little social whoring when the evening is playing on your team?”
Anand just presumed that everybody who worked talked about the same things. The thing about him was that if he had a plan, he didn’t like to talk about it. He didn’t like to think about it too. He believed in Yoda — Do or do not, there is no try. Incessant planning and ruminative thinking of scenarios don’t go anywhere. One shouldn’t leave room for doubt. When it’s time for execution, you step forward and execute. If people with steady jobs and people without steady jobs had a rift between them, Anand would be the JCP — Job-holding Chauvinist Pig. Not because he was a mean person but just because he didn’t know better. Anand’s motto in life: “Work is work and fun is fun, like man is man and woman is woman.”
— “So what were you talking with the guys about?”
— “Just the usual things we talk about.”
— “And that would be?
— “Airports, missed flights, almost missed flights, wrongly booked tickets, terrible co-passengers, unpredictable stock prices, the dollar, the euro, weird clients, power-plays between partners, clueless bosses and where to find good coffee and sandwiches in what business district in which city.”
Veena rolled her eyes at Anand’s answer. Kartik wasn’t listening. His eyes were peeled at the door. His ears were waiting for the doorbell to ring. Right when Anand stopped talking, the back of Kartik’s hand hit Anand’s chest. Anand (and thusly Veena) knew what that meant³⁶ because exactly one second after that, the doorbell rang.
Anjali entered the party and everyone froze. Kartik imagined a fan blowing wind onto her hair and spotlights from three different directions hitting her face. According to Kartik, the ambient noise of the party died when she entered. The only thing he could hear was his pounding heart. He turned to Seher, “You see what I mean?”
“No.” Seher saw a girl wearing skin tight, dark blue jeans and black strappy gladiator sandals, except with heels. She had nice pearls though. Seher was saved from breaking Kartik’s dream by her buzzing phone. It was Anuj. He waved the joint at her, Anand, Veena and Kartik from the balcony. None of them hesitated as they shamelessly walked out and Kartik followed with a frown.
Almost every frequency of sound dropped as they crossed the giant glass door. The only frequency that one could hear on the balcony was the bassline. There were a few other people standing there with their drinks and smoking.
— “So Avantika and I were just talking and I think I am going to have a heart attack first.”
— “Why a heart attack?”
— “Because I have actually seen a man die of a heart attack and I know what to do.”
— “According to Actorography, the first time you act-act³⁷, you have to act out something that you have already been through. Your body gets into the zone of imitating a scenario in your head.”
— “Avantika and I will be on the dance floor when suddenly out of nowhere, I will feel a pain in my left shoulder and then my heart will stop beating and I will collapse to the floor, possibly breaking a glass. Avantika will shriek and the rest of you can follow suit.”
Anand couldn’t wait to watch the two make fools of themselves. Veena was tired of waiting for it to happen. Die, already! The only positive consequence of this Anuj drama, according to Veena, would be that nobody from this crowd would ask them another inane question ever again. She could already hear the entire Paramanand Patil Institute of Technology talk about them behind their back. “This Anand and his friends are mad, man!”
Seher couldn’t wait to see where this was heading too. She didn’t care about the amusement factor like Anand or the social factor like Veena, she just needed the drama. Kartik was hoping Anjali found it funny as (inside his head) he would be rescuing her from this sophistication. He refused the joint when it was passed to him.
— “I need my A-game. You know I get very self-conscious when I get high.”
— “Shut up and smoke it.” That would be Veena.
— “So how long do you think I should wait before I approach her?”
— “About half an hour.” Anand’s paternal voice was back on.
— “And what do I do till then?”
— “Hang out here and enjoy our company. Or the view if it pleases you.”
Anuj’s words made Kartik choose to turn around and look at the skyline. The first of the fireworks filled the starless night sky with fountains of light which faded back to the starlessness in a matter of seconds.
— “GANDU!” The upper half of Seher’s body was hanging off the balcony as Anuj pulled her back in. “IT IS STILL FOUR HOURS BEFORE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO COMMENCE POLLUTION!” She hated the fireworks more so because it reminded her of how her dog would react to them back home.
— “You know they can’t hear you, right?”
— “Shut up, murdaghar. I need to get myself another drink.” She missed her dog.
— “Wait, let me come with you.” Veena’s quick small steps made sure she caught up with Seher before she entered the house.
³⁴ Kartik losing his virginity had involved a drunk colleague, a company off-site, and a conversation that stumbled all over their college lives, prospects of arranged marriage, and how they both wanted to do it to see what the fuss was all about. They kissed with the passions of an extinguished candle and their bodies trembled as one touched the other. Even with their clothes on. They gave up once, and watched TV in their semi-undressed state till about quarter to four when they watched Aamir Khan and Karishma Kapoor kiss on screen in the rain. At three fifty, both of them lay on the hotel room bed watching the rest of Raja Hindustani, with an awkward smile on their faces. He tried kissing her a couple of minutes after but she offered him a cheek. Then she turned her back towards him and went to sleep. Kartik kept staring at the screen till he passed out. In the morning when he woke up, the TV was still on but she had already left. It wasn’t unexpected because you didn’t want colleagues whispering about you. After that, all they ever exchanged on the office floor or in the office cafeteria were Hellos.
³⁵ Bonsai action is one of the key elements of actorography. At times, as an actor, you need to let your inner feelings out. You can’t always act out every strong emotion that courses through your veins. So instead of that you figure out a minimalistic representation of the same. A bonsai barf is made of an unpleasant face with your mouth open in an O-shape, and three fingers bunched up together and held at about an inch away from your lips. Similarly, when someone kills you and you are around people who are not certified members of the gang, gang violence requires you to perform a bonsai death — head dropped till your jawline touches your left or right collar bone and tongue sticking out sideways from between your lips.
³⁶ Anjali was a latecomer back in college. Almost every day, from the beginning of the first lecture, Kartik would keep an eye on the classroom door. He would tap Anand with a pen, a notebook, his hand (or anything really) and exactly a second later, Anjali would walk through the door making a puppy dog face at the professor.
³⁷ According to Actorography, you’re always acting-acting. Except when you’re acting. That’s when you are just acting.
