Chapter 20: Dubbing for Dummies
Right outside the glass windows and at the beginning of the balcony area, Kartik had been doing quite alright with Anjali. He made sure that he didn’t really say much because he was paranoid of blurting out some inane fact about her life from her Facebook timeline. Anjali told him about the cycling she had been doing in “SF” and how the people of “SF” had declared themselves to be the Republic of San Francisco. That had pushed the conversation into a political space. They spoke of Obama’s campaign and his first term. Actually, she spoke of it while he nodded and asked the right questions. He was just fascinated by the enthusiasm that her face showed. Just like her pictures on Facebook.
That took the conversation to the only things Kartik cared about when it came to American politics — the war on drugs and the war on poorer countries. Indoors, the ex had gotten a little restless. He had spotted the same enthusiasm on Anjali’s face that Kartik was kicked about. The ex grabbed one of his buddies and stepped out for a smoke. Halfway into the cigarette, he called his current girlfriend all the way in London and told her how much he missed her. His buddy continued smoking while keeping his eye on Kartik for him.
Anand grinned and exchanged glances with Veena as they passed Kartik and Anjali. Anuj and Avantika were still in the same place. They had spot-danced a bit to the bassline, which was the only part of the song that managed to seep through the glass windows. The two of them tried to guess the DJ or the producer. Both of them agreed that the David Guetta beat was being replaced by the Calvin Harris scratches.
While Seher, Veena and Anand were rejecting boys, Anuj and Avantika were putting words into the mouths of groups of strangers talking at a safe distance from them — or “dubbing for dummies” as Niyati liked to call it. Most of them were standard Freudian innuendos about bank accounts, job titles, cars and one even about their cell phone features. Anand, Veena and Seher had just returned from their anti-swayamvar. Kartik was on the last (not that he knew it then) lap of his conversation with Anjali. That was when Anuj and Avantika decided to make Kartik and Anjali the dummies to dub for. Avantika chose to voice Kartik and Anuj chose to voice Anjali. Yes, they altered their tone, pitch and rhythm to switch genders.
Kartik and Anjali moved inside to the bar. Anuj and Avantika stepped closer to not miss any facial cues. Anand, Seher and Veena, who were cracking up, followed Anuj and Avantika to go stand behind them.
Veena tried hard to not spill her drink. Seher grinned from ear to ear. Anand laughed as he took Veena’s drink away from her. Everybody knew that Kartik knew that he had just lied about one of the few moments in the last six years that had made him jump up and down on his seat at work. He had even tipped the office chai boy a hundred bucks that day. While trying as hard as he could to not break into a satisfied grin, Kartik slipped in a: “So are you single right now?”
Avantika grabbed hold of Anuj’s hand as she stopped laughing. “He is asking her!” Anuj pressed his face against the glass with the curiosity of an urchin who was trying to avoid the glare on the glass window of an electronics showroom so that he could watch Priyanka Chopra in an item number.
“Yep.” Anjali took her drink from the bartender and passed Kartik his drink before they walked out to the balcony again. Inside his head, Kartik jumped up and did a heel click while trying to be as calm as possible on the outside.
— “Would you like to go out for a coffee some time?”
— “Oh, Jesus! That was what this was all about? I thought you and I were actually catching up.”
— “What?” And just like that, Kartik’s world turned slow motion. He could hear himself speaking the bloated up, slowed down words: “But we were…”
— “Everybody had always said that you were a creep who had a thing for me but I thought you were this cute and harmless chap.”
— “Who is everybody?”
— “My entire group. They said you followed me everywhere and even stared at me from afar in the canteen.” Her face looked like she was being made to take a dip in one of India’s many holy rivers. “Even all those times that you pinged me to chat with me back when we were in college.”
— “Umm… I… NO! I have never stared at you that way… I mean I have but not with creepy intentions…” In his inside-the-head scenario, Kartik started circling in the air like a mosquito without a wing. Waiting to die between Anjali’s beautiful and soft palms as they clapped loud and hard.
— “I told you he was a chut.” One high pitch from Anjali and the ex materialised right next to her. He put a hand on her shoulders and she yanked herself away from him as well.
— “All of you are fucking creeps. I just thought I’d get out tonight, have a drink, catch up with a bunch of you. But you’re all just horny, disgusting desi boys. And don’t you have a girlfriend you are planning to marry? You told me that!”
— “Anj, no, Anj… Just stop… You know I was just looking out for you.”
— “I don’t have a girlfriend.” That was the only thing Kartik could come up with at that moment. Not that anybody in that conversation heard him.
The situation on the balcony deteriorated faster than Kartik could collect his thoughts and recover. He stared at the floor for the time it took Anjali to walk out of the balcony and then the flat. The ex did not chase after Anjali. Not even the girls from the ex’s group chased after her. (They were not sure how letting her back into the group would affect the dynamics of their group, which now included the ex’s new girlfriend who they really liked.)
Instead, all the ex’s friends gave up their window-side seats and stood by his side, facing Kartik. Some with folded arms and some with disapproving looks. Vishal, the owner of this flat and the generous host of the party, shouted, “FIGHT! Finally, it’s a party!” After which, he joined the ex’s side of things.
Our gang, by now, had moved in. They stood right behind Kartik. Kartik was stuck in a loop wondering how the conversation crashed like that. Anuj put his palm on Kartik’s shoulder to pull him away as the ex grabbed Kartik by his arm. “You have to answer to me, you creep… I bet you tried to slip something into her drink.”
Anand looked at Veena once (who nodded⁴⁶) before he stepped in between Kartik and the ex. Anand had promised Veena that he would never get into a fight. Veena didn’t mind it this time because she was sure that this playground squabble was not going to end up in violence. Mainly because this was too facetious a reason for anyone to be throwing punches.
Anand had always been the gang’s tank⁴⁷, even before Anuj or Niyati had joined the gang. Mostly before Anuj and Niyati had joined the team. Not that they had ever been in situations that could turn violent but wherever physical intimidation would help, Anand was the first person to stand up.
⁴⁶ While gang violence had been an acceptable form of violence, Veena disliked actual physical altercations. “Why actually get hurt when one can just pretend to?” Seher had laughed when she had first heard that. (Her life’s philosophy before the gang had been: Why actually be happy when one can just pretend to?) Anuj chuckled. Anand just stared at her in disbelief. He had later asked Kartik, “Are you sure my relationship with Veena will go somewhere?” Kartik, whose last fight happened to be when he was twelve, had just laughed.
⁴⁷ Actorography is not a fundamentalist cult. It is a way of life. It is adaptive and it even derives from other cultures which are its contemporary. For example the terms ‘tank’ and ‘respawn’ come from gaming and not films. While ‘respawn’ is obvious in its meaning, ‘tank’ is a bit more esoteric. In gaming, a tank character can take high-powered hits that other characters might not survive, and even deliver high-powered hits in one-on-one melee combat. Owning a tank comes with its own set of risks, the biggest being, what if you pull your tank out and the opponent just has a bigger tank? As Veena had once said, There is always a bigger tank. You just haven’t run into it yet.
