Chapter 36: A Brief History of Kartik’s Homophobia
Jasbir called himself Gay Jasbir because when he came out in his teenage years, nobody from all of West Delhi was ready to believe that a hardcore surd with a name like Jasbir could be gay. When people asked him, “Why?” He would just shrug his shoulders and say, “But I am.”
He first met the gang at the party Seher had thrown (at the house Niyati and her had shared for a brief while) to welcome him to her Bombay life and to get his approval of Anuj.
Anuj, who had been digitised⁶⁷ into his phone earlier that day had downloaded soundboard apps, which had buttons for sound loops from some of the greatest pop hits of the year, Hindi movie dialogues and 8-bit games. That was because he was trying out a handlebar moustache and Veena and Niyati both hated it. (“Only characters without any lines have handlebars in our movies.” Niyati had said.) So while he avoided starting any conversation, every time he wanted to make an inane comment, he just used the soundboard app instead. For example, he played the line “I’m sexy and I know it” when being introduced to Jasbir.
Jasbir had just woken up from his nap when Punctuality Kartik had been the first one to arrive. He opened the door and stood there in his boxers, one of Seher’s t-shirts and his hair tied in a perfect circular bunch, wrapped in a head cloth, on the top of his head.
– “Kartik, right?”
– “Yes? Jasbir?”
– “Yes, yes…” He hugged Kartik. “Come in, come in.”
– “Nice to meet you. Are Seher and Niyati here?” Kartik stayed frozen through the hug.
Later that evening, when the rest of the gang had already been there a few hours and gotten tired of looking for tracks to dance to, Seher nudged Jasbir to play Kaun Banega Homophobic. The game was simple, so simple that even without knowing, the gang had already played the game. Jasbir put on his Amitabh Bachchan voice as he rattled off the exact number of seconds his hug had lasted with each member of the gang — only Veena and Kartik had recorded under three seconds. Even before Seher or him could explain what the game meant, Niyati had jumped in with her two paises.
— “Ha! That’s the most predictable game in the world.”
— “If your hug recorded under three seconds, you’re gay.” Jasbir grinned.
— “Puh-puh-puh-poker face, puh-puh-poker face.” Anuj’s phone said out loud.
— “Katti was predictable but Veena?”
— “I could’ve told you that before you counted.”
— “I’m not homophobic.”
— “I’m a girl. I can’t be homophobic!”
— “Khaamosh!” Anuj’s phone.
— “Then why were you uncomfortable hugging Jasbir?”
— “I don’t know. I just was, I guess.”
— “I call horseshit. You are too neurotic to not know.”
— “And we’re too neurotic to let go.” Anand crashed next to Seher on the couch as both of them faced Veena across the laminate surface of the interrogation table (read: living room table).
— “It is nothing. Maybe I am just homophobic.”
— “Nahiiin… Nahiiin…” Hema Malini’s persecuted raspy voice burst out of Anuj’s phone.
— “You are lying. Your assistant designer is gay and unlike Jasbir flamboyantly so.” Niyati poured blended scotch in a glass and slammed it in front of Veena. “Drink up.”
— “Maybe I am just uncomfortable ya. No reason, just like that you know.” Veena sipped on the whisky and then looked up.
— “You expect the bench to believe that?” Anand laughed.
— “Can we let this one go, Danan?” She chewed on her lips.
— “I think we need to send this convict back into custody till we’re done dealing with the next convict.” Anand got up with Veena as she held her hands behind her back like they were cuffed.
— “Pakachikawaunvwaunv.” Anuj, Niyati, Seher and Jasbir said as they pumped their palms upwards. That made Veena blush before her front teeth literally vanished into her bottom lip.
— “With Kartik being the next convict, does that make Anand a bisexual pornstar?” Niyati had mostly been wordless because of how much she was tickled by the results of Jasbir’s KBH.
— “So are you only professionally bisexual or do you swing both ways in your personal life too?” Seher put an invisible mic to Anand’s face. He just blocked the invisible cameras with his hand — much like how celebs block paparazzi cameras with their palms in the space between their cars and the entrance of whatever building they are about to enter — and he exited the scene.
Realising that he had become the new butt of the joke because he stood by his woman, he just dragged Veena to Seher’s room. The gang’s attention was now completely on convict number two — Kartik. He pleaded not guilty of homophobia. Anuj and Jasbir then squished him between them on the couch for his sentence.
— “At least half an hour between two men should cure him, right?” Seher put on Scissor Sisters’ I Don’t Feel Like Dancing before she plonked on the chair on the side of the couch, parking her feet on Jasbir’s lap.
— “I just have a problem with people touching me!” Kartik wriggled between Anuj and Jasbir as Anuj kept looping lines from LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem to fit them right into the Scissor Sisters track to make a pretty average mashup.
— “She is attracted to Jasbir.” Anand and Veena returned from Seher’s room.
— “Not attracted-attracted.” She slapped his arm. “But you know, how he’s all North Indian sardar. And all gay and all hot-blooded promiscuous.” Seher had told her many, many stories of Jasbir versus men.
— “The forbidden fruit trifecta. Every fibre of her being is programmed against wanting everything Jasbir stands for.” Kartik mumbled.
— “You’re making too much noise for someone who is supposed to be nervous.” Jasbir put his hand on Kartik’s thigh.
— “I’m telling you…” Kartik shuddered like a dog drying itself. “I’m not homophobic. I just have a thing about people touching me.”
— “Okay enough now.” Jasbir turned to Veena. “So where were we? I as in me, not what I am, but everything that I stand for, makes you uncomfortable.”
— “V is conceptually attracted to Jasbir.” Seher giggled.
— “This party is a jackpot.” Jasbir high-fived Seher. “I need to be visiting Bombay more often.”
— “I’ve been telling you!”
And just like that Anuj pulled Veena to swap places with him. Three people now squished on that couch meant for two — Veena, Jasbir and Kartik, in that order. Meanwhile, Seher, Niyati, Anuj and Anand were this close to falling from laughing too hard from looking at Veena’s and Kartik’s faces.
— “Acchha, look into the camera.” Seher barely managed to hold her phone straight. “I need to take a picture of this.”
— “Hold!” Niyati jumped into the frame and onto Jasbir’s lap. “I need to get into the picture of this.”
The picture: Jasbir’s head was turned towards Veena, with his best side facing the camera and his eyes looking right into it. He smiled with his mouth open. Niyati laughed with her head tossed halfway back. Kartik and Veena were shriveled in their seats, with Niyati’s hands on their knees and Jasbir’s hands around their shoulders.
