Chapter 42: A Brief History of Sparta
It was Veena’s birthday and she had decided that she wanted to cook everyone a complete meal. Not like a complete western meal with multiple courses but the one extremely huge and continuing course of a Tam-Brahm meal. Anuj had asked her, “So there won’t be any non veg?”
“We can call for some malvani mutton. I don’t think it’ll go terribly with the entire meal.” Her bigger problem though was that she couldn’t have done it with the utensils that existed in Anand’s minimalistic kitchen. They were enough to cook a meal but not the meal she wanted to. She collected as many as she could from her own kitchen, some from Niyati’s and Seher’s kitchens, gave a small list to Kartik to check if his mum had any she wanted and finally bought the remaining few from the market.
Anand had just returned from work, put on some music and was heading into the shower when she reached Anand’s house. She called him from below to help her unload the rickshaw. He was a little taken aback when he saw all that had just arrived. Even more so when he saw her go ballistic in the kitchen.
— “Everything alright?” She had asked him on seeing his iceberg face.
— “Looks like it.” He lied.
Seher and Niyati turned into Veena’s trusted lieutenants and the boys were kicked out into the hall. They were given chopping, peeling and dicing duties. The more stoned they got, the bigger they diced the vegetables. Till at one point when Veena spotted the plate of diced gourd and screamed at them. Anuj had been in charge of making cocktails to keep the morale of the pantry (that the house had become) high.
A stoned Anand had begun to spiral. Was this something that would happen every day? He was worried that the next day she might take over the entire house. He downed a rum cocktail after he poured more rum into his glass to make it stiffer. To keep his mind off the spiral, he started chair-fu with the boys, with invisible swords. This would also be the day, close-handed combat (with or without non-firearms) would be banned forever. (Except for daggers. Everybody would be allowed a dagger to punish someone by stabbing them in the gut or in the neck.) Now, everybody was well aware that when you’re chair-fuing while fulfilling kitchen duties, at least one plate is sure to fly and at least one slice of tomato is sure to meet the ceiling fan.
— “Who is responsible for this?” On hearing that plate, Veena stepped out and fired a round in the air.
— “I am.” Anand pointed an invisible sword at Veena like he was challenging her to a duel.
— “Really, now?” She fired at him and he swung the sword making a ka-ching sound to block the bullet.
— “I had thought this was only a dinner but this has turned into a feast. Are we inviting the rest of the village as well?”
— “Okay, what is going on?” She dropped her gun hand. “Choose your next words carefully, Anand. These may be your last.”
— “Food and booze?” He pointed his sword to Veena’s throat.
— “Madman, Danan, you’re a madman!”
— “Food and booze? You’ll find plenty of both back in your kitchen.”
— “No man, my boyfriend or otherwise…” She paused to throw a glance at Anuj and Kartik. “No man threatens someone who is cooking an elaborate meal.”
— “You bring the utensils and supplies of a hundred kitchens to my house. You scream at us for having fun. You threaten me with domestication and slavery! Oh, I’ve chosen my words carefully, woman. Perhaps you should’ve done the same!”
— “Now you’re just being an ass.”
— “An ass?” Anand stepped forward and shouted. “This is MY HOUSE!” He lifted his leg and mimed kicking Veena without touching her. Unsure of what was happening, she stepped back as Niyati slipped a chair behind her and she dropped right into it.
Seher and Niyati dragged the chair with a stumped (and obviously spiraling) Veena back into the kitchen and shut the door. Soon and predictably enough Veena was being pushed back into the hallway by Seher and Niyati. She was sitting on the microwave cabinet which had trolley wheels under it. Anand ducked behind Anuj and Kartik before he jumped and chucked an invisible spear at her. She touched her cheek to mark the invisible wound as the invisible spear grazed past her. Anand then grabbed his invisible sword and leaped forward. His head almost missing the fan.
Veena along with Niyati and Seher raised three spears that went right through him. He dropped forward with his hands holding onto the edge of the cabinet as his body arched like he was hanging on top of the spears. Before Anuj could get himself to react to that, Kartik stabbed him in the gut and just shrugged as Anuj fell to the ground staring at Kartik standing over him. He was shocked because Kartik did not follow the rules of the scene from 300 and stayed on Anand’s side. The girls invoked the zombie rule.
“Sorry, bro. Feels terrible to see someone not believe, right?” That would be the only time in the history of gang violence that Kartik voluntarily stepped out of a bit. Kartik smirked, squatting down as his wrists hung off his knees. “While you are feeling betrayed, let me remind you of something. This whole 300 bit is already inside our usual running gag of gang violence.” Kartik got up and lit a cigarette.
By then, Anand’s thirty seconds had passed and he had just respawned as a highly self-aware zombie. The first word to come out of his mouth as he thumped his chest, like he was a gorilla, were: “BBBRRAAAAIIINSS!” Veena smacked zombie-Anand on the back of his head and she dragged him to his bedroom.
— “What happened?”
— “Brains?”
— “I know we have but this is just a dinner. I just wanted to have a great birthday.”
— “Brains!”
— “Why didn’t you just talk to me about it?”
— “Brains.”
— “Okay, stop it.”
— “BRAINS!”
— “Fine!”
She darted out of the bedroom to steal the joint off Seher’s lips. Anuj, who was still writhing on the floor in pain, laughed with a fake cough, like the puncture was making him puke blood. “Didn’t think the zombie rule through, did you?”
Seher kicked him right where Kartik had stabbed him and he howled in pain. Back in the bedroom, Anand took a couple of drags of the joint and felt himself being revived.
— “I don’t know. All of this just seemed too much, too fast. You lugged in a few kitchens and decided to own the place for the evening. I just freaked out.”
— “So talk to me!”
— “Are we moving in? We said it would be at least six months from now.”
— “We have spoken about it but we both want to, right?”
— “Yes, but not like this. Like properly. With packers and movers and redoing parts of it. Not like China, one glacier at a time.”
— “I know. This is just a dinner, not a Chinese invasion conspiracy. Over the next few weeks, we can sit and talk about all the changes we need to get done.”
That concluded with the two of them deciding to move in and the no melee combat rule being passed. “Except for daggers of betrayal.” Anuj insisted, not because he was already plotting his revenge but because he realised the importance of the device in gang violence. Kartik’s dagger of betrayal had taught him an important lesson about loyalty and commitment.
