Chapter 52: Back to Shah Rukh
— “What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” Shah Rukh holds his head. “I mean who does things like this?”
— “We do.” Avantika who had just finished telling the entire story took a deep drag of the joint.
— “People don’t.”
— “Fuck people.” Seher hates being compared to people. “What the fuck do they know. Now, advise Kartik.”
The raindrops and the mist are only lit by the brake lights of the cars, waiting bumper to bumper. A few kids have stepped out of their cars and are jumping in the rain. Their parents open their windows just about enough for their screams to get out and the rain to not come in. The air inside the car seems to be getting stale and the smell of pot is everywhere. The gang, periodically, rolls down their windows just about enough for the smoke to get out because hotboxing the length of a gang-story can get quite hallucinogenic. And nobody wants the heartthrob of the nation to be hallucinating, right? Also, Anand still needed to drive.
— “Kartik, please don’t fake your death in front of a girl who doesn’t know you from Adam.” Shah Rukh turns to Seher. “Happy?”
— “Meh.”
— “Yeah, what is this? This is something that even we have been telling him for the last few years.” Niyati is really disappointed. “What was the point of getting you, Shah Rukh Khan, S-R-K, in the middle of this?”
— “I want my money back.” Anand hadn’t said a word through the entire telling. (The others had provided inputs to the story at various points. Sometimes in brackets, sometimes in footnotes and other times in the brief histories.)
— “I told you it was useless to get Shah Rukh Khan involved. Too populist.” Midway into Avantika’s story, Anuj realised he might hate popular media but he still would’ve enjoyed SRK’s company. So he had made them stop the car and had joined Avantika, Kartik and SRK in the backseat. (He was obviously fined for not completing his bit — He didn’t get even one drag of the joints that were being passed around.)
— “Okay! Can you guys just drop me somewhere here. I’m sure I’ll be able to get another ride.”
— “C’mon, Shah Rukh. Be a sweetheart and make a speech for Kartik.” Veena had pulled the airgun out of the glove box and was pointing it at Shah Rukh. “A tiny one. We narrated a handful of speeches to you, no?”
— “C’mon, I just heard the story and I know it doesn’t have any pellets.”
— “That was last week, Rahul!” Veena grins.
— “Okay, okay.” He turns to Kartik. “Kartik, pulling a stunt like that after you invited her to brunch to meet a sane you is a bad idea. Yes, I know you are trying to just impress her but this will just put her off even more. What are you looking for from this meeting?”
— “To know if I can win her.”
— “What is she? A trophy? Life is not a reality show, Kartik. You can’t give out a performance and expect the audience sympathy and votes that will get you a trophy. You can’t charm people into thinking you’re someone they love. You can charm people into thinking you’re a star but it doesn’t go beyond that. Life isn’t a romantic comedy where the music is cued, the art director makes leaves fly and the DOP cuts from eye to eye and it’s love! You’ve stalked her for too long for reality to mean anything to you right now. Take a deep breath, think about it.”
— “Wah!” Avantika applauds.
— “Yes, I have thought about it. Why do you think I’m doing this?”
— “Then you really need to think about whether you’re actually sane or not. Thinking something and being it are two different things.”
— “What do you know?”
— “I’m Shah Rukh Khan!” That line was followed by Niyati and Avantika both chorusing: “Yeah, he is!”
— “But, but…”
— “Stop arguing with Shah Rukh, Kartik.” Veena pulls the trigger as the gun makes a popping noise and everyone ducks. Nothing shoots out of it as Veena chuckles. “You know the rules. Whatever Shah Rukh says is word.”
— “Stupid girls!” Shah Rukh smiles and turns to Avantika. “You! I have two questions to ask of you. According to your story, this is the brunch after New Year’s Eve so it’s not really pouring right now, is it?”
— “Nopes.” It really isn’t. The sun is bright. The roads are clean. “It’s a Sunday in January and we’re driving to brunch.”
— “So how exactly did I get here?” Shah Rukh is finally worried. “I don’t really remember anything.”
— “Because we were playing WWSRKD to solve Kartik’s problem.” Niyati lights a cigarette.
— “WWSRKD?”
— “You forgot? This was a part of the story!” Avantika says that like it is the most obvious thing in the world. “What Would Shah Rukh Khan Do!”
— “So this was just a bit?”
— “Yes.” Anuj can’t wait till SRK takes that thought to its logical conclusion. He is dying to crack up.
— “Then how did I end up in the car?”
— “You’re not real, you dumbass!” Veena laughs from the front seat. “Someone smack him in the back of his head for me.” Avantika obliges and Shah Rukh vanishes as soon as her palm hits the back of his head.
