Citizen Zuckerberg: The Rise and Fall of An Internet Tycoon

Pondering (or perhaps just pandering) the legacy of a legend

The year is 2115. Everyone on earth has access to the Internet, Amazon Prime, and their own Etsy store as humanity continues to prosper in a brave new world. At the moment, everyone’s looking forward to the upcoming summer blockbuster, The Fast and the Furious 97: Very Fast But Not That Furious. However, the excitement is drowned out by the unexpected death of a titan…

INTERIOR: BEDROOM

Charles Foster Zuckerberg, the founder and CEO of Mugbook, is on his deathbed. A crowd of news reporters gather around him, eagerly awaiting his last words.

CHARLES (inaudibly): Far — Farmville…

His hand drops. Out of it falls an iPhone XXL.

CUT TO: NEWS ROOM

HANK: Folks, Charles Foster Zuckerberg passed away at 6:54 this morning. His last word was “Farmville.”

RANDY: “Farmville?” Why does that sound familiar — wait, isn’t that the game where you have to match three colored candies in a row?

GLORIA: That’s Candy Crush. Farmville came out more than a hundred years ago back in 2009. Probably the first game that went viral on Mugbook.

RANDY: Oh, yeah. That one.

HANK (strokes his mustache): Why in Skynet’s name would Zuckerberg say that?

RANDY: I downloaded a Huffington Post article into my brain the other day and it said that people think about their biggest regrets when they’re on their deathbed. Maybe that was his?

GLORIA: Based on what my grandparents told me, I wouldn’t be surprised.

HANK: If memory serves, it was pretty bad PR for them. Most people thought Farmville was Mugbook, and vice versa. I even heard a rumor that Zuckerberg spent $1 billion to buy Instagram just to divert people’s attention away from that fiasco.

There is a long silence.

RANDY: Crazy.

GLORIA: Well, Farmville or not, I’m glad that Mugbook has allowed me to see what my friends are doing all the time. Just the other day, I got to see a Mugbook Live stream of my friend Kate microwave a Chipotle burrito.

HANK: Yeah, like, I don’t ever have to leave my house to have fun. I can just sit on my couch, put on my Mugbook Glasses, and hang out in Mugbook’s Virtual Universe with florists from Poland.

Gloria and Hank high-five each other.

RANDY: Yeah, I mean, that’s great and all, but do you guys ever get the feeling that there’s more to life than that?

GLORIA: No.

HANK: What? Of course not.

RANDY: Look, I’m not saying that walking around a virtual Coachella and listening to a hologram of Taylor Swift isn’t fun — it is. But what about the real thing, you know?

GLORIA: Sounds kind of boring and a lot of work.

HANK: If I wanted an “authentic” Coachella experience, I’d just stay at home, blast Skrillex, and turn my heater up to 105 degrees.

RANDY: Fair point, but still.

GLORIA: Randy, I get what you’re saying, but we now live in different times. Most people are overweight, so it’s not like there’s any incentive to go outside.

HANK: Did you forget that we teleported into the office this morning?

RANDY: No. (sighs) I just think there’s more to life than technology.

Gloria and Hank gasp.

RANDY (cont’d): Let’s face it, as fun as it is to interact with the cast of Frasier in our Hoculus Rift, I want the real thing.

GLORIA: I don’t even know who you are anymore, Randy.

HANK: Where is this all coming from? Did you, like, go on a meditation retreat?

RANDY: No, I’ve been reading Eat, Pray, Love.

HANK (sarcastically): Oh, go figure.

Gloria rolls her eyes.

RANDY: What? It was one of this year’s top five books recommended by Bill Gates’ hologram!

HANK: Technology’s here to stay, whether you like it or not. You’re not thinking straight and I hereby order you to take two weeks off.

RANDY: Oh, come on!

HANK: Nope, no arguing. You need the rest. Plus, who the hell still reads books these days?

GLORIA: If anything, you can take this time off to catch up on Season 112 of Game of Thrones.

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