What happens next

I have had a trying time since I got back in touch with my intuition.

I always wondered what happens after the story ends — after the truth is revealed, after the final kiss when the lovers discover they are made for each other, after the mystery is solved. When the goal is finally reached.

We’re told that that is the end, that happiness is obtained and that’s all folks.

But it’s not. It’s like climbing Everest — you have achieved your goal when you get to the top but truthfully that’s only half the story — you still have to get back down. And you have to do it when you’re tired, with a growing sense of anti-climax, with an impatience for it all to be over.

And that’s how I’ve felt in the last two weeks since facing my biggest fears and reconnecting with my intuition. It’s all very well figuring out your biggest fear, but what happens then? How do you deal with it?

Well I appear to have dealt with it by turning into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Over the last two weeks I have experienced some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my life. I go from feeling that every cell in my body is made of love, that all is connected, that I am wise and brave and capable of whatever I choose, to the most vile disgusted vitriolic self-loathing that has ever erupted from my soul.

I kind of get the love stuff.

I expected to feel that once I had cleared my blockage. But the other stuff, wow. I have always felt quite a high degree of self-loathing. Its been a regular companion of mine for a long time. One time it really got on top of me and so I had to start dealing with it. I chose CBT (Cognitive-Based Therapy) to help me. And it did. I started to make the link between behaviour and results — focusing on what we do rather than what we think or what we don’t do.

After that it stayed with me but I was generally able to keep it fairly under control. Sure I had my bad days, weeks even, but I was able to carry on pretty much regardless. But this time its been different. In two ways.

Firstly its been so intense.

I remember the exact moment it came on. I woke in the night and felt it enter my body, like a lightening strike. My body became hot and my mind caught fire. “You useless, fat bitch” it said to me. “You incapable old trout. It’s no wonder no one loves you.”

So by the time I got up the next morning, I was on the warpath for anyone that might expose my secret — point out my uselessness and demonstrate how unlovable I was. Didn’t bode well for anyone I met that day. I wasn’t nice to be around, let me tell you. And usually I am quite nice to be around — I have been telling myself for a while that everyone feels better when they talk to me, and I do believe it to be true. So it was a bit weird to be someone whose overriding thought was that people don’t want to be around me. My paranoia, my “attack rather than show your weakness” mentality, my mistaken hearing (“would you like another cup of tea” sounding to me like “get out of my life you useless w**ker”) made any kind of interaction with another human being (or animal for that matter) almost impossible.

I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do. I could almost not be. All I had was an ugly ugly internal dialogue that spit out vitriol and hatred to anything and everything.

But this time it was different.

What made this episode so different from all the other times it has happened is that throughout it I have been completely aware of what is going on. I have almost been able to watch my thoughts as they have come along. I haven’t been able to stop my reaction to them, my wanton destruction of all around me, but I have been observing myself, as if from a distance, watching what is happening to me.

At the moment I’m feeling quite good.

I can focus on writing this. I don’t know how, when or even if it will happen again. I hope it doesn’t, but I suspect that it will. I think it is happening because since acknowledging my greatest fear, the story I told myself around death, I have started to subconsciously process all the other fears that I have built around it. All the things that have happened to me over the last 30 or so years. All the pain, all the times I have given away my power, all the times I haven’t been heard, all the times I have f***ed up and not forgiven myself, all the times I have hurt others, all the times I have been harsh and cruel to myself. They have all left a shadow in me, and these shadows are shifting, moving, leaving. They are doing it painfully, reluctantly, slowly, but they are going. And I will be left full of love.

What I have learned is this.

In order to see the light we need the darkness. What this episode has shown me is how powerful I can be in my destruction — physically, emotionally, spiritually. How destructively strong my words can be, how I can break things, people — myself and others with my thoughts. And if I can do that with hate and fear, how powerful will I be if I can build people up with love? If the strength of my love is as strong as my fear, surely I will be unstoppable. What force for good will I be then and how I can I change the world?

So I sit here, as Dr Jekyll, feeling profoundly grateful to Mr Hyde for two reasons. One, he is clearing out my body, mind and soul of all the ugliness and negativity, fear and hatred so that it is free to fill up with love. And two because he is showing me that I am a powerful, strong, unbreakable woman who can do whatever I choose whenever I choose it. And I choose the light.

This was originally published on 16th June 2015, at social8.co.uk, which is no longer active so I’m republishing it here.

At theslowcoaches we live to 4 principles of slowing down, tuning into what you need, determining your gifts that you choose to give to the world and living life to your own design. We are in service to others, helping them do the same.