BEING HUMAN (DARK HUMOR)
Be Exempt From Misfortune
Secular approach guaranteed
I want to start right away with the key trick: Conjure up a voice inside you that you can strike deals with.
Of course, I know that there are many ways to be 100% protected from misfortune. Unfortunately, most of them are not very agreeable to me, because I was raised up to be secular and a skeptic.
But even I need a way to get the illusion of control in my life. To secretly believe that I can protect myself if I do the right things. The key trick for us skeptics is for the locus of control to be within rather than without (i.e., not a diety that I can communicate with through special rituals, nor other ways of being in sync with the universe and asking for what I wish).
Ergo the neatest trick in the book: internal negotiations, with a sprinkle of magical (I mean secular) thinking. What follows is my step-by-step guide to make this work for you as well.
Step 1: Conjure up a voice inside you
This step is relatively uncomplicated and often comes automatically — you need to kindle an internal voice. This voice has universe-level authority and power and also likes to chat with you and help you improve, like a cosmic life coach of sorts. It’s important, though, not to delve too deep into the source of its authority, lest we start veering towards spiritualism. Keep it grounded, maintain the ambiguity, and remember that this voice is here to coach, not condemn. (In case you are looking for a self-berating voice and its many benefits instead, just read my previous article).
Step 2: Talk to the voice and strike up deals
Next, whenever you have to do something important, whose outcome you cannot leave to chance, engage in a chat with this voice. Now, I don’t mean sharing gossip about your neighbors or discussing the latest episode of your favorite show. The goal is to negotiate like a savvy businessperson sealing a high-stakes deal. For example, promise to recycle more if your project proposal gets funded. Or, promise to donate to the Red Cross every week for the whole year if your blind date works out. Remember, the terms and conditions of these deals are only limited by your imagination, sense of shame, or ability to question your sanity.
Step 3: Trust that this incentivizes the universe to back you up
Visualize the voice as your personal and direct liaison with the universe. Of course, I do not mean this is in a non-secular way, obviously. What we need is your conviction that your deal is so irresistible that the universe simply cannot ignore it. Think about it: it’s not every day that it has the chance to add such a passionate, soon-to-be recycling enthusiast in its ranks! This belief in an appealing transaction can make it seem like even the cosmos is rooting for you.
Step 4: In case misfortune does happen, blame something you did wrong
So, despite all this, a bit of misfortune did fall your way, huh? No worries! Just find something you did wrong, no matter how irrelevant or inconsequential it may be, and assign all blame to it. Did your stocks tank? Probably because you forgot to floss last Tuesday, although you promised to take better care of yourself. Lost your car keys and missed a crucial meeting? That’s definitely because you didn’t make your bed this morning although you have promised to get your life in order. It’s all about finding causality in chaos.
Step 5: Gain total control over misfortune
Here’s the final and most rewarding step. Now that you have a reliable system in place, you are ready to start believing that you’ve gained total control over any future misfortune. That’s right friend, you’ve hacked the system! Actually, you’ve hacked the whole universe! You’re now the puppet master pulling the strings of your own destiny, one deal at a time.
There you have it! Five easy, highly irrational, yet weirdly comforting steps to give you the illusion of control over life’s random events. You’re welcome!
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