BEING HUMAN (DARK HUMOR)
How I Tripled My Productivity
Disclaimer: Method requires being a jerk to yourself
“You messed up again, you piece of shit!”
“Why can’t you be like normal people? Why do you have to constantly mess everything up?”
“Why did you have to say this in the meeting yesterday? Now everyone will think you are stupid. Why don’t you just shut up next time?”
This, dear reader, is a small sample of my internal self-talk. Today you have the great privilege to learn from me, a domain expert, totally free of charge (until I reach 100 followers, that is). What follows are essential tips on how you too can utilize negative self-talk to greatly benefit and increase your productivity (3X or more).
Tip #1: Pride yourself for your high standards
This is crucial. Negative self-talk is going to wear you down. It is thus very important to remind yourself of its highest benefit: it indicates that you will not put up with anything but the most perfectest of results. And if, to ensure this, you need to beat yourself 24/7 and compromise your mental and physical health, it is a small price to pay.
Tip #2: Be absolute
You never make individual mistakes, like a wrong figure in the presentation yesterday, or not spell checking the tech report. No. You are a total loser, in general. These are just isolated instances of the underlying truth: you are no good, and should be ashamed. This realisation will allow you to work to improve everything all at once at the same time, instead of working on actionable and incremental improvements. No, this is for lesser people. We have high standards (see tip #1).
Tip #3: Do not let your guard down, ever
Remind yourself constantly that you are shit. Time for bed and you have done some mistake during the day? You are shit. Time for breakfast and you put the milk in before the cereal? You are shit. Time for a walk and someone passes you by and they are thinner than you? You are shit.
Anyway, you get the point.
Tip #4: Secretly judge other people equally harshly but not to their face
In order to ensure that you maintain a feeling of self-superiority that balances your own harsh internal judgments, secretly judge others with the same intensity and toxicity. See that colleague who’s praised for their project? If you look closely, you’ll find flaws. You can even discuss these flaws with your inner circle and all collectively circle-jerk your egos. And remember, when you get down to do something, it will not have any flaws (and if it does you just need to call yourself shit for a couple of months and it will be fine).
Tip #5: Feed the Negativity Loop
Keep reminding yourself of all your past mistakes. A negativity loop is your best friend. Have you had by some miracle a particularly good day for once? Instantly remind yourself that other aspects of your life are shit, and you shouldn’t be happy. Can’t think of anything recent? Well, that blunder you made five years ago in the annual meeting will do just fine. Remember: a constant mental replay of all your failures will keep you performing admirably.
Bonus tip: Berate yourself for berating yourself
Did you catch yourself berating yourself? Good. Now berate yourself for berating yourself. This extra layer of self-criticism pushes the boundaries of your internal dialogue, creating an infinite regression of self-chastisement. It’s like a mirror facing another mirror, creating an endless corridor of self-reproach. Beware though, this is highly advanced form of negative self-talk, recommended only for the seasoned practitioners!
That’s it! Five easy, highly actionable tips you can follow today. And if you have already been following these tips and seen no improvements, well, perhaps you could try the opposite and see if that works for you. But I wouldn’t bet on it.
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