An actor’s take on emotions

As an actor, the concept of emotions is one that is forever permeating my brain. My mother said to me, just the other day- ‘What do you know about emotions? You’re an actor - you fake them.’ Unfortunately, this demonstrated how little my mother knew about acting - when one goes to the theatre or to see a film, they are not paying that money to see someone ‘faking’ emotions. They are in fact, paying to see something real.

I had a director once, who told me that when an audience goes to see a film or show, for two hours of their existence, they are being given permission to feel. I remember admiring the eloquence of this thought however, as the years have gone by since working with this director; I have become more and more troubled by this idea. Why do we, as human beings, require permission to feel? After all, we can’t stop ourselves from feeling. However, hiding one’s feelings has almost become social normality (at least among people who aren’t actors). As much as I loathe to quote Frozen here, the phrase ‘conceal don’t feel’ could almost be used as a slogan for society (among men, anyway). I guess the one good thing that came out of Frozen is the idea that ‘conceal don’t feel’ never ends well.

So why can society be like this? How does the issue differ from society to society? And what can we do to overcome this? In order to answer these questions, we must examine different aspects of society.

Men and Women

I am perhaps, as a man, being a touch biased here. Having said that, I was raised by a single mother, alongside my little sister, and throughout my life, I have always found making friends with women much easier than with men. What’s more, I believe my training as an actor gave me an interesting view into the psychology of both genders.

The male actors in my class at drama school - and there were always less male than female acting students - tended to struggle more when allowing their emotions to escape than the women did. If they were required to be loving, filled with despair or fearful - they would struggle. The one emotion with which no male actor seemed to struggle was that of anger. I was one of the students who would struggle with this and often in my acting work I still do. In drama school though, this was normal. Why?

I believe the answer comes from our upbringing as men. As a young boy growing up and attending school - there were two things that you would absolutely fear being labeled - ‘a cry baby’ (or simply ‘a baby) and ‘a girl’. First clue there. The result of this meant that you would do anything to avoid crying and if you couldn't - you would either be shamed or you would find a quiet, secluded space where you could cry it out and hopefully no one would find out. No one would be there to help you and ultimately you yourself would begin to see yourself as weak.

Fast forward to adulthood and that psychology doesn’t leave you; it only develops. This is why anger is an emotion that comes easiest to men - because, for some unknown reason, anger is the least shameful. And without dealing with your emotions, you open up the extreme potential for anger. This is seen to an extent with women but never as extreme.

A few years ago, I went through a really bad break-up with someone I truly, sincerely cared for. Naturally, I was devastated and broken however, the thing I remember most clearly was a feeling of shame. Not because I had done anything wrong in the relationship, but because I couldn’t control the waves of emotion that were overflowing my being. I kept thinking things like: ‘You’re being stupid, stop crying, move on- you’re being a burden on other people’. One of my many female friends found me crying by myself in a corridor that I thought was abandoned. I immediately, out of instinct, tried to cover up the fact that I was crying. She sat with me, talked to me and uttered some words that have stayed with me ever since: “Your feelings are your feelings. If you’re feeling them, you’re feeling them for a reason”. Only after I accepted how I was feeling rather than trying to hide it did I begin to recover. And as a society, I think we would be far more accepting of people if we all allowed ourselves to feel our feelings, rather than punishing ourselves and others for feeling them.

Various Religious Upbringings

Admittedly, this is something that I’m no expert in having grown up in a relatively religious-free environment. However, I did live in America for three years and have come across many people who grew up in religious households that taught them many things, some of which I can understand and agree with and others which I find completely baffling.

There is one thing in particular that someone told me that I found completely insane however before I do, I would like to highlight the fact that in America, particularly in the South, religion is everywhere. When I visited Texas, I was overwhelmed by the religious presence. It is so in your face that as children if you begin to doubt the existence of God, you are shunned. Now, I’m not here to bash religion (although I could go on for hours), I am here to discuss the emotional effects that they can have on children that can later follow them into adulthood.

I have a friend who I shall call Sue for the benefit of this article. She grew up in Florida under a strict religious education. Up until the age of 15, she believed that everyone was a Christian except for the Antichrist. She wasn’t aware of other religions. In her school, they would do sermons and during one such sermon, she was informed that women have a hormone in their tears. This hormone made them unattractive to men. Therefore, if they wanted to gain themselves a husband or even just be liked by a man, they must never ever cry in front of them. Naturally, even though Sue realized the lie in this idea, shaking the brainwashing that had occurred to her so young has followed her into her adulthood. She was also told that if she didn’t feel God in her heart, then she was the antichrist. She couldn’t feel God in her heart and therefore often went into a state of panic, horror, and even depression. Eventually, she discovered that other religions existed and she began to question everything. She then became an atheist but had to hide this from other people who would have shamed her for it. For the longest time, she was terribly depressed, and only when she finally went to college did she enter a more accepting environment. As she told me all of this, she got very emotional and angry due to the fact that she had often tried to block out her childhood.

Again, I’m not here to bash religion (though it’s really easy) however I hope this has highlighted important emotional issues that can occur in that sort of upbringing and the need for such issues to be addressed.

Social Media

Fundamentally, we as human beings are social creatures who need the companionship of others in order to stay emotionally and mentally healthy. When we are connected socially with others, we are less stressed, less anxious and we are less prone to depression. And from that need for human interaction has come the rise of social media - Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Ticktock, WhatsApp - all of these have been born from a need to socialize. Imagine living under the quarantine hell that is COVID-19 without Social Media to help you get through it? However, there has been a rise in loneliness, depression, and anxiety during the pandemic despite the fact that we are still able to stay connected with our friends and loved ones through Social Media. This is because the hormones that ease these emotions are only triggered through in-person contact that cannot be replaced unfortunately by Social Media.

In regards to people not expressing their emotions- the problem with Social Media is that there is so much expression that differentiating between those who are genuinely going through emotional turmoil and those who are simply crying out for attention is becoming increasingly difficult. I have a cousin who does this constantly - every single post on her Facebook screams negativity - ‘Why does no one love me? I feel so lonely. Nobody cares’. This constant stream of in your face depression means that nobody really wants to deal with her. And what she is doing is actually damaging people who actually do need help- because those who are genuinely going through something can become too scared of sharing this on social media for fear of being classed as ‘attention-seeking’. This is also why so many people are quitting or taking breaks from social media because the platforms can unfortunately be causes for extreme emotional turmoil.

Solutions?

Unfortunately, there are no easy quick solutions for any of these issues. Every person is different and may need different ways of dealing with them. I think that the solutions have to start with the individuals. Ask yourself- am I burying my feelings? Do I need to take a break from Social Media? Are my beliefs and attitudes actually helping someone in need or am I damaging them both short and long term? One thing is for sure- we all could use a little more compassion in this ever-changing, ever emotional world.

This article is the author’s contribution to The Suite Medium page.

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