Baldur’s Gate 3 has blessed the gaming world for just over a year. It’s an amazing RPG with many laudable qualities, but one of its most talked about and rightfully celebrated elements lies in its rich and engaging romantic sub-plots. This game not only allows you to seduce your way around the conventional hotties in your camp, but also to enjoy a romantic interlude with a druid in his bear form and even a mind flayer!
The given options are varied, fun and not nearly unhinged enough for the corner of the internet I inhabit.
Rule Thirty-Four of the Internet
If you’ve existed on the internet for any length of time, you’ll be aware of Rule 34, but just in case you’re new here¹ or are particularly innocent, Rule 34 is basically this: If it exists, someone online has turned it into smut.
Welcome to the internet; our degeneracy knows no bounds.
There’s a certain amount of freedom that comes (ba-dum-tss) with this rule; it has played its part in allowing anyone and everyone to explore their own specific “interests” without the fear of having their yums yucked by the pearl-clutching purity patrol and — so long as things are safe, sane, consensual and legal — that’s very liberating.
In recent years things have taken on even more transparency with the “Hear Me Out” meme. While the phrase isn’t new to the English language, according to Know Your Meme its existence online seems to begin back in 2008. Back then, it was used to preface any opinion that might be considered ridiculous, contentious or even just a wee-bit dramatic.
These days, “hear me out” is code for “this thing which would not usually be considered hot is — in my opinion — outrageously hot.”
At the time I write this, the “hearmeout” hashtag on TikTok has 218k posts. That’s a lot of people talking about the squicks they’d enthusiastically smash, and the majority of the discourse is taking place in spaces specific to ladies, theydies, femmes and thems.
I’m a part of such groups — some of which are specifically devoted to Baldur’s Gate 3 — and so I decided to let my curiosity get the better of me. I regret nothing.
Kin(k)dred Spirits
In a couple of different groups, I asked the following:
I wanted feedback and I got it. And now, lucky you, you get it too!²
All comments were limited to the fictional characters portrayed, not their VO artists or MoCap actors. All discussion was kept strictly in the realm of personal consensual fantasy and fun.
Beasties, Baddies and BBEGs of Baldur’s Gate 3 that had the fandom saying “Hear me out…”
Kar’niss
Legs for days and a tragic backstory — what’s not to love?³
My favourite comments from fans of Kar’niss:
“The tragic spider boy, I would like to know more about him, his story is probably fascinating.”
“A white haired elf baddie is a white haired elf baddie even if their bottom half is a spider.”
“Ovipositors. That’s all.”
Thisobald Thorm
A business-owning bar-tender who loves a good story.
My favourite comments from fans of Thisobald Thorm:
“A wonderful host, would frequent his establishment, husband material.”
“He’d never make me pay for my drink.”
“Now that’s a dad bod.”
Malus Thorm
An educated medical man who is keen to help his colleagues learn.
My favourite comments from fans of Malus Thorm:
“It’s the medical thing for me.”
“I like a little hardware on my men.”
“I would make this masochist cry.”
Withers
With a name like “Bone Man”, this sassy resurrectionist has got a lot to live up to.
My favourite comments from fans of Withers:
“He’s so soft and sweet!”
“I’d let him raise me right up.”
“I swoon for the bones man.”
Sovereign Spaw
A magic mushroom man who’s all about bliss, family and the circle of life.
My favourite comments from fans of Sovereign Spaw:
“his voice is really deep and commanding, he’s tall, wants revenge, and calls you “peace bringer” when you help him […] it does something for me.”
“Bliss spores are just sex pollen in disguise.”
Mimic
Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.
My favourite comments from fans of Mimics:
“Do I have to explain myself? I feel like this needs no explanation.”
“They swallow.”
Intellect Devourer
Sometimes it’s nice to have someone take control.
My favourite comments from fans of Intellect Devourers:
“Squick Squick.”
“It’s the whole hive-mind happiness thing. I know. I’m weird.”
Honorary mentions
The Emperor
Always on my mind.
A lot of people mentioned the Emperor, but as they are already an option, I’ve not included them on the main list. Still, as one of the main faces of the “Hear Me Out” meme, our tentacular friend deserves a mention.
My favourite comments from fans of The Emperor:
“Give me tentacle daddy.”
“Tentacles? I consentacles.”
“Can’t get him/her out of my head.”
Conventional Hotties
If they were a band, they’d be called Temptation.
An unsurprising amount of people were down bad for NPCs such as He Who Was, Orin and Raphael (specifically in his cambion form). In this humble writer’s opinion, most of these are just conventionally hot and only minimally mad. They look like they’d make a fun early 2000s emo/metal group and I wouldn’t need to hear anyone out about any of them.
My favourite comments from fans of the Conventional Hotties:
“She’d absolutely kill me, and I would let her.”
“Like, girl, take my life and give me a good ride while you’re at it.”
“He Who Was could get it. Get back here, Sexy Weirdo!”
“If devils count then most of them. Mizora, Raphael/Haarlep. They’re all super hot and they’re big on temptation.”
Next time someone judges me for being utterly feral for Halsin, I’m going to refer them to this list. If nothing else, it’s proof that in my corner of the internet, we’re all as bad as each other!
If you enjoyed this article, please give the clap button a high five; it’s good for fifty slaps! You can also highlight, comment, follow and share. It’ll help this nerdy little weirdo out!
¹ Hi! Welcome! We have cats! And SO MUCH SMUT.
² Don't go saying I never give you anything.
³ I nearly assigned this one to the honorary mentions pile as Kar’niss is conventionally attractive from the waist up. However, the arachnophobes and trypophobes assured me that between the eyes and the legs, Kar’niss is indeed worthy of the list!
