The Ugly Monster
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The Ugly Monster

Gwyllion Hedge-Mage | Todd Lockwood

Magical Thinking: Eventide

Welcome back to Magical Thinking, a look back at the cards and art of Magic: the Gathering, from the beginning. All through the eyes of a casual fan. This week we conclude the Shadowmoor block with the July 2008 set, Eventide.

The story of this set is a continuation of Shadowmoor: Lorwyn has turned from a bright happy world to a terrible dark world. Lots of scary monsters running around, the elves are no longer racist pricks, and the kithkin are super xenophobic. So what new horrors are lurking in the shadows of the darkest Magic set since, well… The Dark? Lets find out.

“LEGGO MY EGGO!”

I love the kithkin. They’re weird bug eyed halflings, and in Shadowmoor they are crazy isolationists. Also, say hello to a new mechanic, retrace. It was a seven on the Storm Scale and only showed up in one other set (Modern Horizons, which seems to have freaking everything in it).

Man, is that ever creepy. Like all those pointy legs. It’s always creepy to see weird bugs like that. Imagine that thing landing on you.

And once again White is the color of authoritarian dickheads who use fear mongering and othering to control the masses. See, this is why I prefer Black; they may be utter bastards, but they’re up front about it.

Thursdays at nine: Ghost Doctor. She’s dying to save a life.

Dammit, now I want to actually see that. SOMEONE MAKE THAT AND PUT IT ON NETFLIX.

Oh crap, someone forgot to hard boil the cosmic egg. Now the Easter egg hunt is ruined, AND all creation is doomed.

Looks like we got a low pressure book front coming in from the west, better pack your umbrella.

See, this is what I’ve been missing from Magic; cards with just plain weird artwork.

The mighty and powerful YEET! fish.

And here we have another keyword: Chroma. This apparently would be brought back and refined in Theros. Yay, mill!

Plants and zombies. Together at last. Never before has this combination been seen by anyone (and anyone who claims otherwise is a DAMN LIAR).

I like to imagine this specter is just really tiny, like that wasp is just normal sized. Like imagine this guy going after Frodo and the ring and Frodo just kind of swats him without noticing.

Not gonna lie, I don’t really feel the ash people in Shadowmoor. But this guy looks really cool.

When the snake in a peanut can gag goes horribly wrong.

And now Shadowmoor has dwarves. One of my favorite (and in my opinion underutilized) tribes in Magic. They have been getting more love in recent days, but they could always use more.

That’s a really cool goblin design. In fact all the Lorwyn and Shadowmoor art has been top notch. I can’t get enough of it.

I picked this card because I could not figure out where the head was on him at first. It kind of blends in with the rest of the body.

You’ve been… THUNDERBLUST!

….what is a blust?

Also, that is just a chimera with more emphasis on the goat head.

Always pays to look on the bright side of things I suppose. Good on you, Donal.

To be fair, it’s not like goblins don’t get up to stupid stuff like this on their own anyway.

It may be a medieval level society, but Spriggans always have the best guns! *Flexes furiously* OH YEAH!

At first I read that as “tilting” treefolk, and just like that I came up with a more interesting monster. It will destroy you at a slight angle.

Oh yeah, that’s what I come for. That creepy Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark stuff. Bring it on!

Huh, I think you fight one of these things in Dark Souls.

It’s Sonic the Hedgehog’s great aunt.

Real talk, hags are one of my all time favorite dnd monsters. So it’s nice to see a few of them show up in this set. I think this is the first and last time we got hags in Magic though.

Okay now that is some creepy art. Urge to make an SCP rising.

You know, if I woke up and saw that on the horizon, I would just turn around and go back to bed. Because what even?

Oh dear, that looks like its gonna hurt come winter. He looks like he’s made of silly putty.

No idea what a noggle is, but I really like these creepy donkey people. I feel like you can do a lot with how creepy equines can be.

Case in point. In mythology the nucklavee was a horrible bringer of pestilence which resembled a skinless horse who lived in the water. Now I don’t think Izzet would be the colors for a Nucklavee, but then again Nucklavee don’t usually look like giant multi-eyed eel fish things so what do I know?

Ooh! Ooh! I know what this one is too. It’s a fachan! They are a race of monster from Ireland who were people with only one eye, one arm, and one leg. I always love it when I can flex my folklore knowledge muscles.

This is what the Uwe Boll Pac Man movie would look like.

This is me after eating ginger candies. Same size belly and everything.

Colfenor was this treefolk from Lorwyn who saw the aurora coming, and so had her friends plant her seeds so she could come up with a contingency to stop Oona or something. Point is I think this is the closest we get to a hero in this block.

I would put this in my deck just for the opportunity to make “The worm has turned, because it’s my worm turn!” jokes.

Much like Moe from the Simpsons, I too follow the creed of having two knives.

I love the bug eyes on kithkin. Every single kithkin looks like he’s seen some shit (and to be fair most have). I also love these slowly evolving creature cards. There’s a similar one in Kaldheim right now.

After his show got cancelled, Howdy Doody went feral. This is why you need to spay and neuter your puppets, folks.

I almost want to break out “Where There’s a Whip There’s a Way” again.

…Well don’t leave us hanging. What IS the fable of wolf and owl? You can’t just drop a lure like that and not real it in.

Kelpies kind of got this weird ugly cute thing going on for themselves. I would totally hug one if I wasn’t certain they would drag me away to drown me (Again, mythology and folklore buff).

Its a Boglin!

Boglins? These slimy hand puppets they had in the eighties and nineties? I had one as a kid. Jim Sterling talks about them all the time, go ask them.

This is a spell I can get behind. Fewer racist elves and xenophobic kithkin, more friendly noodle boys.

In mythology, selkie were seals who could take their skin off and turn into people. Sometimes sailors would steal a selkie’s skin and force one to marry them (Because that’s not creepy or anything), only for them to book it the second they get the skin back (like good for you sister, I’d run too. NEVER LOOK BACK. RETURN TO THE SEA THAT SPAWNED YOU).

ANYWAY, Magic selkie are just creepy seal mermaids, which is the direction Pathfinder also went with them if you care.

And we got more scarecrows. I think the flavor here is that it scares your Red creature so much they gain haste or something. I don’t know.

This is a really neat artifact that I would totally use, since it’s too easy to get overwhelmed in Magic by an opponent.

And of course we have a cycle of these for the enemy colors. Not much to say for this one I’m afraid.

And that does it for Eventide. Sorry if things were sparse this week, I’m kind of worn out from work as of late. But next week it’s the start of a whole new block on a whole new plane! Five new planes actually, because next week we visit the sundered world of Alara, in Shards of Alara. But until then dear friends, stay Magical.

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Jessie Staffler

Jessie Staffler

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Creative Writer looking to make money writing. Prefers to write stuff based on fantasy, Sci fi and horror