Magic: The Gathering

Magical Thinking: Homelands

Welcome back to Magical Thinking, where I, your humble author, look at the funny artwork and card mechanics of Magic: the Gathering, set by set, from the beginning. This week we got a real treat. What is largely considered the worst of the early Magic sets: Homelands.

Released in October of 1995, Homelands was nominally part of the Ice Age block, but has nothing to do with the Ice Age storyline. It takes place on an entirely different plane of existence, Ulgrotha, and focuses on the natives’ struggle to fend off the evil local baddie Baron Sengir (Which, as happens a lot in Magic, didn’t go so well). This set was such a bad fit for the Ice Age block that WOTC retconned it out and replaced it with the Coldsnap set decades later.

So, is this set as bad as people make it out to be? Lets look and find out.

Oh we’re starting off strong, people. Look at that face. Just look at it. That face tells you all you need to know about this set. It’s the face that says “You actually spent MONEY on this? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I have to imagine with a face that looks like that she must have seen some of the White cards from The Dark (“WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THAT POOR GOBLIN? GOBBY!!!! GAAAAA — )

Yeah this is the caliber of Legends we’re getting for this expansion, folks. In previous expansions we got DnD adventurers and powerful dragons. Now we get Grandpa here looking like he’s about to nod off. But hey, lets not knock Hazduhr here. Look at that card effect. He’s willing to take one for the team. Still, even the flavor text of this card seems to indicate the abbot is past his prime. Come on gramps, lets get you back home.

White, the color of chivalry, honor, nobility, healing, Leprosy, witch hunts, land taxing, genocide, and now we can add dubious medical practices to that list. I do like the flavor of this card (Early Magic cards usually had the flavor spot-on) but at the same time it’s such a niche card I don’t think this saw much play.

One thing I do like about this set is it gave backgrounds to some of the names on the cards. Serra became the benevolent planeswalker who once dwelled on this plane (until her boyfriend died, then she ran away to leave the world to be eaten by vampires), and the cards here give a feel for her character: She was a healer, a religious icon, a…. keeper of horrible monsters. Hey, you do you, Serra.

Oh, and inquisitors. Serra had Inquisitors too. Can’t forget that. I mean I was pretty surprised too. I didn’t expect the Serra Inquisition.

There I made the joke. That takes care of my contractual obligation as an internet comedian talking about an inquisition.

This is another one of those sets that included multiple versions of the same card with different art. I included both versions of the art here because I unironically love the art here. Not only is it Kaja Foglio (which is always a plus) but also it really gives the feel of a fantasy caravan with all the weird and wonderful magic creatures being ridden in these pictures. I really like the story told with cards like these.

I like to rag on White a lot for being a bunch of assholes, but I figured I may as well be fair and show their nicer side for a change. See? White can be nice, they can play along, they aren’t all bad. Also I want to assume part of the terms of this truce is the extradition of Tivadar for the murder of poor Gobby (We’ll never forget you Gobby).

We start blue with another great face. Now that is a face that says “…wait what was the question?” Come on, man. Blue is the color of intelligence. Get it together.

So what are the iconic monsters of Blue? Drakes? Sphinx? Krakens? Genies? Elementals? How about birds? Just birds. I mean Blue does have birds in their color identity, but there’s usually a bit more than that. Also, funny thing, but apparently the size depicted here isn’t too much bigger than Albatross are in real life. Them some big birds.

Fourth of July is around the corner, so how about a clam bake with just one giant clam?

Again I am not impressed with the Blue selection here. Most of these things are not wowing me. I do like the flavor here, where it apparently pinches onto an enemy creature and holds them underwater till they drown. A bit slow, but still interesting.

HERE COMES A NARWHAL!!!! Okay, got THAT reference out of the way. Seems a bit overpriced compared to monsters nowadays. Although first strike on a Blue creature is pretty good I guess.

Oh boy. Okay I am drawing the line at kelp. This is why Homelands failed, because they felt like a mass of seaweed was an acceptable subject for a Magic creature. It’s just kelp! Whose afraid of Kelp? What wizard would waste two Blue mana to summon it?

Okay, now we’re getting to the good stuff. Black pretty much cornered the market on all the cool legendaries in this set. Including this guy, Baron Sengir, the progenitor of the infamous Sengir vampires. Like any good boss monster he’s an elite version of the Sengir Vampires, and he can regenerate other vampires (Although at this point there were only two different types of Vampires I think, but I bet after Innistrad this guy was crazy useful). He’s a bit overpriced, but for a legendary in this era he’s not bad.

…Well I guess friendship ain’t magic no more. Press F to fire off the Party cannon in respect. Of course if you eat this, eventually you’re gonna end up a face on the back of another guy’s head.

Yeah, you thought Baron Sengir was alone? No no, he’s brought his entire family. Including his Grandma. Fun fact: that -1/-1 is actually a really itchy sweater she made for you by hand. Also, Granny, you need a glass of water? Some Gatorade? You’re looking a little dehydrated there. Ah I’m sure you’re fine.

OH MY GOD THAT’S HORRIFYING! See? That’s what happens when you eat Feast of the Unicorn! They’re even done by the same artist. He knew what was up. Feast of the Unicorn: Not even once.

Ihsan is probably the most popular character to come out of this set, so I feel like I need to mention him. Stat-wise he’s pretty good: A 5/5 for 6 was fair in those days, and he even comes with protection from White. He’s basically Lord Soth.

I don’t think the Autocrat/Serf relationship really works like that, since in most cases when the Autocrat dies the Serfs end up doing way better. But this is vampire land so I guess it’s like “Oh hey Steve is dead, lets eat his serfs”. This guy is mainly here for the flavor that he gets serfs when he comes into play.

Homelands marks the end of an era for Magic: the Gathering. It was the last set to feature Ante cards. After this, Ante was phased out of the game entirely and all the associated cards were banned. It’s kind of a shame in this case. Look at that art. Those are some cool looking fiends. They deserved better than to be stuck on this crappy card. Ah well.

TORCHAAAAAA!!!!

I know this looks bad guys, but he’s actually the Castle Sengir dentist. You see when you’re a vampire dental hygiene is very important. Can’t drink blood if your teeth get cavities can you? He also moonlights as the castle torturer, and he’s got a side job as a masked wrestler. This may be the most interesting character in Homelands.

I kind of wish we got more info on the An-Zerrin, because they seem really neat. All we know about them is that Baron Sengir killed them, and that they were really into Green columns with faces on the side. Are those tombstone? What are they? I wanna know.

Minotaurs were the major Red tribe in this expansion. Not much to say except I really like the aesthetic of the Shaman here, making them look like a different cow breed than other Minotaurs.

These are two of the Red legendaries this set: A pair of thieves who specialize in wrecking artifacts. Honestly this is more about Joven than Chandler because wow, Joven looks like a roadie for Black Sabbath. Those artifacts he’s breaking are people’s video cameras probably. I don’t know why but this guy just delights me for some reason.

And here we have the green legendaries. Stevie Nicks and her daughter here are apparently powerful magical nature avatars who are the biggest threat to Baron Sengir and his crew. Once again I am not terribly impressed with the legendaries (“Not terribly impressed” seems to be the primary critique of this set). Everyone the Black creatures just seem … mundane to me.

OH SHIT. LOOK OUT PEOPLE. JOVEN BROUGHT HIS FERRETS. Yeah, Joven was apparently a huge fan of the Beastmaster so he trained an army of ferrets. Of course now I got visions of Baron Sengir with ferrets in his pants and I can no longer take him seriously.

DRUM SOLO!!!!

I was gonna say I’m less than impressed with the selection of monsters here, but Badgers are horrible destruction beasts in real life, so this scans at least.

Homelands also marks the last time we see one of these: An artifact designed to destroy all the cards from the set they are in. They are fairly useless because A) they are way too niche, and B) It’s Homelands, so everyone already buried these cards to begin with.

Nothing to say here except I love gnomes in MTG, and these are the cutest ones yet. I also love how they are built to repair other artifacts. Joven, you’re thwarted again!

Hey, remember the Ornithropter? What if we, and follow me on this, what if we attach sawblades to it? I don’t care if you think it won’t still fly, we’re doing it. Da Vinci didn’t know what he had.

Nothing to say here. Just that there was an entire cycle of these “convert colorless to a colored mana” cards. Not sure if they see any play, but I doubt it.

And that was Homelands. I think the word that comes to mind here was “mediocre”. Not only were the cards under-powered, but they also felt more mundane. Most of the legendaries were just normal looking guys and the monsters were just big animals half the time. It felt like one of those low fantasy TV movies or miniseries which didn’t have the money for a big fantasy setting so they kept it low key, and Magic deserves better than that.

And it will get it, thank goodness. But more on that next time, when we look at the final set of the Ice Age block: Alliances. Get ready for some monkey business. See you then.